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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 13th Mar 2019, 10:16
  #12641 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 55
Posts: 302
My wife phoned me at work today, she said "Have you been experiencing any unexplained stabbing pains in your chest, like someone is sticking pins in a voodoo doll?"

I thought for a minute then replied "No I don't think I have"

She was silent for a couple of seconds then said "How about now......?"
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Old 13th Mar 2019, 14:27
  #12642 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 80
Posts: 122
POLE DANCER...

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Old 13th Mar 2019, 15:52
  #12643 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: No longer welcome status
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At a recent interview I asked a candidate if he could perform under pressure?

He replied: "I don't know that one, I can have a bash at Bohemian Rhapsody if you like?"
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Old 14th Mar 2019, 10:57
  #12644 (permalink)  

Gentleman Aviator
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Teetering Towers - somewhere in the Shires
Age: 71
Posts: 3,456
Was that the Adelphi? Did a conference there, I was with a CEO of the client at the reception
The Adelphi is not what it was.

Went to a Liverpool function a few years ago, my boss, a serving one-star (Brigadier General equivalent) was booked into the Adelphi, me - as a mere underling - was in the budget Travel Lodge down the road. We compared notes the following morning.

Boss: "The room was full of bedbugs and the bar was full of Russian prostitutes!"

Teeters: "Could have been worse Boss, could have been the other way round!"
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Old 15th Mar 2019, 12:36
  #12645 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
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Old 16th Mar 2019, 10:17
  #12646 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Do I come here often?
Posts: 901
Originally Posted by gileraguy View Post
Introduced to a young woman named Lana, she asked "Do you know what my name means backwards?"
At a regimental ball in my youth I was introduced to a rather lovely, tipsy blonde, a Miss Louisa A'Cox, she (a bit slurred) "The A is for adores!"

SND
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Old 16th Mar 2019, 23:17
  #12647 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 353
It's 8 minutes long, but rather amusing.

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Old 16th Mar 2019, 23:49
  #12648 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 61
Posts: 5,594
Originally Posted by Sallyann1234 View Post
It's 8 minutes long, but rather amusing.

The Gunfighter
Gunfight at the Not So OK Saloon. Larfed, we did.
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Old 17th Mar 2019, 01:09
  #12649 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: surrey, in the Hills
Posts: 1
NEW 50P COIN?


Aunty Betty seems to think so
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Old 17th Mar 2019, 05:03
  #12650 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
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[QUOTE][It's 8 minutes long, but rather amusing./QUOTE]

Wait, are you Sally????
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Old 17th Mar 2019, 09:34
  #12651 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 353
[QUOTE=Smythe;10421147]
[It's 8 minutes long, but rather amusing./QUOTE]

Wait, are you Sally????
Yep. Still itchin'
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Old 17th Mar 2019, 15:59
  #12652 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
Posts: 447
Overheard in an elevator at Goldman Sachs;
Junior administrator to Investment banker : "What would you do if you had a million dollars in your bank account tomorrow?"
Investment banker : "I would wonder where the fck is the rest of my money..."
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Old 17th Mar 2019, 16:04
  #12653 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
Posts: 447
On a recent trip to Australia I was asked at immigration if I had a criminal record. I replied "I wasn't aware that you still needed one..."
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Old 17th Mar 2019, 16:19
  #12654 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
Posts: 447
At age 3, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
At age 15, success is ... having friends.
At age 18, success is ... having a driver's licence
At age 20, success is ... having sex.
At age 40, success is ... having money.
At age 50, success is ... having money.
At age 65, success is ... having sex.
At age 75, success is ... having a driver's licence
At age 80, success is ... having friends.
At age 85, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
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Old 17th Mar 2019, 23:13
  #12655 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Balikpapan, INDONESIA
Age: 68
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by Private jet View Post
....
At age 80, success is ... having friends.
At age 85, success is ... not peeing in your pants.
80 year-old: I got up three times to pee last night.
Friend : You got up .....?

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Old 19th Mar 2019, 20:05
  #12656 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
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Old 20th Mar 2019, 09:29
  #12657 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 59
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Old 20th Mar 2019, 13:53
  #12658 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,291
Those of you who have been on management courses will appreciate this

The Spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Very impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,'

and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his

shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also

had a spoon in his shirtpocket. Then I looked around and saw that all

the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to

serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting

to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they

concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It

represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

‘If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips

back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his

spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of

making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string

hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

‘Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so

observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can

save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our

you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the

need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by

76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
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Old 20th Mar 2019, 15:27
  #12659 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 362
What's the difference between a hamburger and a blowjob?
You don't know?
How about lunch tomorrow?

- Ed
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Old 20th Mar 2019, 16:38
  #12660 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811

Something for the Spring equinox
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