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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 14th Feb 2019, 15:50
  #12561 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 990
Cinton & Lewinsky, The Real Story

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders............
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,
At the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to
Get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned
Out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President
Voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this
Was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his
Finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief
Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very
Good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that
The soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he was
Starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to
Excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing
Through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching
His rear end, which made him feel even worse. By now, the
President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so
Disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the
bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally
Found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in,
He realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica
Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the
President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred
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Old 15th Feb 2019, 11:12
  #12562 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 990
I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...
I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia-shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it.
Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her fanny was shaped like a Mouth Organ” I said...

“That’ll be Our Monica”
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Old 15th Feb 2019, 16:47
  #12563 (permalink)  
 
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Old 16th Feb 2019, 12:02
  #12564 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 990
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' house and male dog while they were away on vacation.

She had a large house, however, and believed that she could keep them apart; but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw" .

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.
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Old 16th Feb 2019, 20:42
  #12565 (permalink)  
 
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Old 18th Feb 2019, 08:57
  #12566 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
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One for NEO ....

Mom sent little Johnny to the corner store with an order. "Get us a pound of dried peas, and be sure to ask Mr. Jones how his wife is. I heard she's been sick."

At the store Johnny said "Hi, Mr. Jones. Pound of peas, and how's your wife?"

"Split or whole?"

"Her DID!?"
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Old 18th Feb 2019, 16:15
  #12567 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
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Posts: 990
And For chuks....

An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired Regimental Sergeant Major of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbucks to meet a friend for coffee.

While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded: "I'm sitting on the toilet. Please advise."
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Old 18th Feb 2019, 18:34
  #12568 (permalink)  
 
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Age: 76
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Unintended consequences (for some folk)
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Old 18th Feb 2019, 20:39
  #12569 (permalink)  

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that's exactly what used to happen to kids when parents went into the pub.
Not outside! Sat in the car with a still orange and an arrowroot biscuit! (for the younger members, delete arrowroot biscuit, insert bag of crisps.)
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Old 19th Feb 2019, 11:19
  #12570 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
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For the older members, delete still orange and insert Vimto!
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Old 19th Feb 2019, 11:44
  #12571 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 19th Feb 2019, 17:23
  #12572 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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Old 19th Feb 2019, 18:44
  #12573 (permalink)  
 
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Not outside! Sat in the car with a still orange and an arrowroot biscuit! (for the younger members, delete arrowroot biscuit, insert bag of crisps.)
How much younger? In 1950's Yorkshire, it was a bottle of Dandelion & Burdock, and a pack of Smith's Crisps with on really salty blue one.....
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Old 19th Feb 2019, 23:30
  #12574 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 20th Feb 2019, 03:35
  #12575 (permalink)  
 
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Old 20th Feb 2019, 15:43
  #12576 (permalink)  
 
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In a traffic accident with involvement of the district attorney's and a high FSB (KGB) officer's cars the part that was found guilty was the road police car that first arrived at the place.
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Old 21st Feb 2019, 06:57
  #12577 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
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Posts: 614
Originally Posted by A_Van View Post
In a traffic accident with involvement of the district attorney's and a high FSB (KGB) officer's cars the part that was found guilty was the road police car that first arrived at the place.
This reminds me of a Chinese popular saying that their government can change anything, except what day of the week it is. (There is a law for example that says all workers can go home if the official temperature rises about 35 degrees, but apparently it never has.)
Heard from Chinese friends in Dalian.
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Old 21st Feb 2019, 08:03
  #12578 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,586
Different laws for Chinese government officials too.

The middle of winter 1998. Temperature in Tianjin about -10 degrees (C). Full snow covering with sheets of ice for roads. I am in a taxi traveling on the expressway to Tanguu with the driver maintaining about 30 km/hr because of 50 metre fog.

A mass of blue lights ahead. Driver slows to a walk and eventually we pass the commotion.

A police Mitsubishi 4X4 impaled in the back of another police Mitsi with is impaled in the back of a large black Mercedes which is impaled into the back of another police Mitsi which is concertinaed against the back of a lorry.

If nothing else it may have cleared out a bottleneck in the Party promotion ladder.
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Old 21st Feb 2019, 09:54
  #12579 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 317
No doubt the truck driver was prosecuted for reversing dangerously in fog.
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Old 21st Feb 2019, 21:17
  #12580 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: South Gloucestershire
Posts: 39
Elderly Couple

Apologies Nigerian Expat Outlaw & Chuks.

I shared the joke below on Facebook only to be told that "it goes against our community standards on hate speech".

I suppose I should have added some gutter language and text speak to meet their standards.

............................................................ ........................................

An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired Regimental Sergeant Major of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbucks to meet a friend for coffee.

While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded: "I'm sitting on the toilet. Please advise."



Last edited by frampton; 21st Feb 2019 at 21:25. Reason: Incomplete revision
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