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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 16th Feb 2019, 20:42
  #12561 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 18th Feb 2019, 08:57
  #12562 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
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One for NEO ....

Mom sent little Johnny to the corner store with an order. "Get us a pound of dried peas, and be sure to ask Mr. Jones how his wife is. I heard she's been sick."

At the store Johnny said "Hi, Mr. Jones. Pound of peas, and how's your wife?"

"Split or whole?"

"Her DID!?"
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Old 18th Feb 2019, 16:15
  #12563 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
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And For chuks....

An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired Regimental Sergeant Major of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbucks to meet a friend for coffee.

While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded: "I'm sitting on the toilet. Please advise."
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Old 18th Feb 2019, 18:34
  #12564 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 77
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Unintended consequences (for some folk)
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Old 18th Feb 2019, 20:39
  #12565 (permalink)  

Gentleman Aviator
 
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that's exactly what used to happen to kids when parents went into the pub.
Not outside! Sat in the car with a still orange and an arrowroot biscuit! (for the younger members, delete arrowroot biscuit, insert bag of crisps.)
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Old 19th Feb 2019, 11:19
  #12566 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
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For the older members, delete still orange and insert Vimto!
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Old 19th Feb 2019, 11:44
  #12567 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 19th Feb 2019, 17:23
  #12568 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 19th Feb 2019, 18:44
  #12569 (permalink)  
 
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Not outside! Sat in the car with a still orange and an arrowroot biscuit! (for the younger members, delete arrowroot biscuit, insert bag of crisps.)
How much younger? In 1950's Yorkshire, it was a bottle of Dandelion & Burdock, and a pack of Smith's Crisps with on really salty blue one.....
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Old 19th Feb 2019, 23:30
  #12570 (permalink)  
 
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Old 20th Feb 2019, 03:35
  #12571 (permalink)  
 
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Old 20th Feb 2019, 15:43
  #12572 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2012
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In a traffic accident with involvement of the district attorney's and a high FSB (KGB) officer's cars the part that was found guilty was the road police car that first arrived at the place.
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Old 21st Feb 2019, 06:57
  #12573 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
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Originally Posted by A_Van View Post
In a traffic accident with involvement of the district attorney's and a high FSB (KGB) officer's cars the part that was found guilty was the road police car that first arrived at the place.
This reminds me of a Chinese popular saying that their government can change anything, except what day of the week it is. (There is a law for example that says all workers can go home if the official temperature rises about 35 degrees, but apparently it never has.)
Heard from Chinese friends in Dalian.
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Old 21st Feb 2019, 08:03
  #12574 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
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Different laws for Chinese government officials too.

The middle of winter 1998. Temperature in Tianjin about -10 degrees (C). Full snow covering with sheets of ice for roads. I am in a taxi traveling on the expressway to Tanguu with the driver maintaining about 30 km/hr because of 50 metre fog.

A mass of blue lights ahead. Driver slows to a walk and eventually we pass the commotion.

A police Mitsubishi 4X4 impaled in the back of another police Mitsi with is impaled in the back of a large black Mercedes which is impaled into the back of another police Mitsi which is concertinaed against the back of a lorry.

If nothing else it may have cleared out a bottleneck in the Party promotion ladder.
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Old 21st Feb 2019, 09:54
  #12575 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 355
No doubt the truck driver was prosecuted for reversing dangerously in fog.
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Old 21st Feb 2019, 21:17
  #12576 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: South Gloucestershire
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Elderly Couple

Apologies Nigerian Expat Outlaw & Chuks.

I shared the joke below on Facebook only to be told that "it goes against our community standards on hate speech".

I suppose I should have added some gutter language and text speak to meet their standards.

............................................................ ........................................

An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired Regimental Sergeant Major of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbucks to meet a friend for coffee.

While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded: "I'm sitting on the toilet. Please advise."



Last edited by frampton; 21st Feb 2019 at 21:25. Reason: Incomplete revision
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Old 22nd Feb 2019, 00:23
  #12577 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
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Frampton, you'll have to remove that, it stereotypes those poor, downtrodden RSMs
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Old 22nd Feb 2019, 17:26
  #12578 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
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Old 23rd Feb 2019, 16:24
  #12579 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
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Old 23rd Feb 2019, 19:00
  #12580 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
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First American to successfully scam 2 Nigerians...


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