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Friday Jokes

Old 10th Feb 2019, 10:03
  #12541 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
Age: 71
Posts: 625
Those of us who have seen Kirkwall will understand why the population buy lots of sex toys as a distraction from the environment
I don't understand the need there. I thought the sex toys were widely available, for free (unless you are caught!) and they just roam the countryside, nibbling grass!
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 11:44
  #12542 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 75
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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand. ,Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."
In a number of carefully controlled trials scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day thenat the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of sh1t annually. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or rum, whisky or other spirit) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poo,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid than it is to drink water and be full of sh1t.
Both Houses of Parliament drink a lot of water which explains some of the results.

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Old 10th Feb 2019, 12:20
  #12543 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wild West Yorkshire
Age: 57
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As someone once said to George Cruikshank, the Victorian cartoonist, illustrator and temperance movement campaigner: "My dear George, water is very good everywhere, except on the brain".
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 12:38
  #12544 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
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Originally Posted by Random SLF View Post
As someone once said to George Cruikshank, the Victorian cartoonist, illustrator and temperance movement campaigner: "My dear George, water is very good everywhere, except on the brain".
For which a tap on the head can be the solution.
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 12:54
  #12545 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Norfolk
Posts: 176
And drainpipe trousers...
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 15:10
  #12546 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: East Angular - apparently!
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by 57mm View Post
And drainpipe trousers...
...followed by boat shoes
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 15:33
  #12547 (permalink)  
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Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 55
Posts: 5,178
with Dover soles
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 17:16
  #12548 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 75
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 19:18
  #12549 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
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Two Aussie blokes were out shooting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approached it and were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

So, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and

without hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all

about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first bloke said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing

about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Nah mate, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 19:23
  #12550 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by G-CPTN View Post
For which a tap on the head can be the solution.
Or a ten gallon hat.
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 20:31
  #12551 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Surrey
Age: 61
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by hiflymk3 View Post
Or a ten gallon hat.
And one should smoke a pipe.
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Old 11th Feb 2019, 08:08
  #12552 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
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this should offend about 3.5b people only if they can't take a joke



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Old 11th Feb 2019, 09:01
  #12553 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: QLD - where drivers are yet to realise that the left lane goes to their destination too.
Posts: 1,997
The top one must be a pilot and nav. The nav still has his oxygen mask on, and the weight of the pilot's watch is proving to be difficult to overcome
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Old 13th Feb 2019, 00:37
  #12554 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 13th Feb 2019, 05:39
  #12555 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: surfing, watching for sharks
Posts: 3,402
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?

an udder failure.


I'll see myself out.
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Old 13th Feb 2019, 16:44
  #12556 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 992
Don't Fart In Harrods

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to s**t yourself when I tell you the price!"
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Old 13th Feb 2019, 20:51
  #12557 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
Posts: 21
These two love a good laugh. They've just heard that Airbus have stopped A380 production.


Last edited by hiflymk3; 14th Feb 2019 at 09:48.
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Old 13th Feb 2019, 22:59
  #12558 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 75
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It's the 14th of February
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Old 14th Feb 2019, 03:07
  #12559 (permalink)  
 
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Old 14th Feb 2019, 05:24
  #12560 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Depends
Posts: 0
A man working in the Guinness brewery in Dublin fell into a 5,000 gallon vat of beer and drowned.
His widow asked if he suffered much.
His fellow worker replied "I don't think so. He climbed out twice to pee."
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