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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 10th Feb 2019, 12:54
  #12541 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Norfolk
Posts: 258
And drainpipe trousers...
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 15:10
  #12542 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: East Angular - apparently!
Posts: 634
Originally Posted by 57mm View Post
And drainpipe trousers...
...followed by boat shoes
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 15:33
  #12543 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 6,699
with Dover soles
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 17:16
  #12544 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 19:18
  #12545 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,277
Two Aussie blokes were out shooting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approached it and were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

So, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and

without hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all

about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first bloke said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing

about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Nah mate, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 19:23
  #12546 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by G-CPTN View Post
For which a tap on the head can be the solution.
Or a ten gallon hat.
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 20:31
  #12547 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Surrey
Age: 63
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by hiflymk3 View Post
Or a ten gallon hat.
And one should smoke a pipe.
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Old 11th Feb 2019, 08:08
  #12548 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
Age: 48
Posts: 904
this should offend about 3.5b people only if they can't take a joke



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Old 11th Feb 2019, 09:01
  #12549 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: QLD - where drivers are yet to realise that the left lane goes to their destination too.
Posts: 2,328
The top one must be a pilot and nav. The nav still has his oxygen mask on, and the weight of the pilot's watch is proving to be difficult to overcome
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Old 13th Feb 2019, 00:37
  #12550 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811

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Old 13th Feb 2019, 05:39
  #12551 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: surfing, watching for sharks
Posts: 3,608
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?

an udder failure.


I'll see myself out.
West Coast is online now  
Old 13th Feb 2019, 16:44
  #12552 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,003
Don't Fart In Harrods

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to s**t yourself when I tell you the price!"
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Old 13th Feb 2019, 20:51
  #12553 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 58
These two love a good laugh. They've just heard that Airbus have stopped A380 production.


Last edited by hiflymk3; 14th Feb 2019 at 09:48.
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Old 13th Feb 2019, 22:59
  #12554 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811

It's the 14th of February
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Old 14th Feb 2019, 03:07
  #12555 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Bahrain
Posts: 313
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Old 14th Feb 2019, 05:24
  #12556 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Depends
Posts: 12
A man working in the Guinness brewery in Dublin fell into a 5,000 gallon vat of beer and drowned.
His widow asked if he suffered much.
His fellow worker replied "I don't think so. He climbed out twice to pee."
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Old 14th Feb 2019, 15:50
  #12557 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,003
Cinton & Lewinsky, The Real Story

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders............
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,
At the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to
Get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned
Out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President
Voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this
Was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his
Finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief
Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very
Good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that
The soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he was
Starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to
Excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing
Through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching
His rear end, which made him feel even worse. By now, the
President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so
Disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the
bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally
Found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in,
He realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica
Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the
President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred
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Old 15th Feb 2019, 11:12
  #12558 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,003
I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...
I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia-shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it.
Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her fanny was shaped like a Mouth Organ” I said...

“That’ll be Our Monica”
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Old 15th Feb 2019, 16:47
  #12559 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811

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Old 16th Feb 2019, 12:02
  #12560 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,003
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' house and male dog while they were away on vacation.

She had a large house, however, and believed that she could keep them apart; but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw" .

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.
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