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Friday Jokes

Old 6th Feb 2019, 10:29
  #12521 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Bristol
Posts: 17

Billboard seen from train going from Bangkok airport to city centre. Apparently minerals from sea are used
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Old 6th Feb 2019, 11:14
  #12522 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,977
Icelandic algae is one.

https://www.giffarine.com/en/shoppin...p?p=893&type=1
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Old 6th Feb 2019, 12:30
  #12523 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,284
Originally Posted by Devon Flyer View Post
In light of today's discovery Cardiff City F.C. have announced that Emiliano Sala will remain with the club but will only be used as a sub!
I heard they sacked him for taking a dive...

PDR
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Old 6th Feb 2019, 14:54
  #12524 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 6th Feb 2019, 16:20
  #12525 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,361
It looks like an outline for an internal combustion engine to me
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Old 6th Feb 2019, 16:53
  #12526 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
Age: 73
Posts: 798
It's the dreaded "Engine Fault" dashboard warning. Headed for "Limp Home" mode!
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Old 6th Feb 2019, 19:29
  #12527 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: No longer welcome status
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by KelvinD View Post
It's the dreaded "Engine Fault" dashboard warning. Headed for "Limp Home" mode!
Aaah get it. British Rail leaves on the line speed rather than Warp Factor 10.
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Old 6th Feb 2019, 22:53
  #12528 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
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Old 7th Feb 2019, 11:52
  #12529 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811

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Old 7th Feb 2019, 12:34
  #12530 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,284
Cant's argue with a cat...


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Old 7th Feb 2019, 23:40
  #12531 (permalink)  

Ich bin ein Prooner.
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Home of the Full Monty.
Posts: 507
An old floozy was trawling round the neighbourhood trying to pick up some trade. As she tottered along, she called in at each of the many pubs en route as she came across them, looking around for a prospective candidate, and throwing another glass of the famous Irish black stuff down her neck, before moving off heading for the next pub.
As she went up to the bar in one of the pubs, she saw a guy aged about thirty sitting on his own, miserable as sin, crying into his pint. Without delay, she went over to him, and asked why he was so upset. He told her that he was still a virgin, and that all of his mates ragged him non-stop about it, and he was distraught.
She quickly seized the chance to make a bit of money out of the situation, and one last drink, and said to him 'There there, deary, come back to my place, I know just the thing for you, it's called a sixty nine!'
So she took the guy down to the grotty hovel she inhabited, and once inside, told the lad to strip off, whilst she was doing the same. She then got on the bed, and pulled him on top of her and showed him what to do, and she started doing her bit.
It wasn't long before several pints of the aforesaid Irish black stuff and a pie and pea supper started making its way down the old alimentary canal, and she had an increasing need to pass wind. She was mortified, and struggled and struggled to hold it, before finally she couldn't keep it any longer,and away it went. She felt absolutely terrible for doing this to the lad, but to her great surprise, he carried on as if nothing had happened at all.
She thought to herself 'He's a real gentleman, he's pretended nothing has happened' before carrying on with her side of the action.
Of course, it wasn't long before the gas started to make itself felt, only this time she wasn't so worried about it, and so let it loose as gently as she could, and to her relief, the guy still carried on unflinchingly.
As happens, the Irish black stuff and pie and peas mixture was really getting its act together, and an enormous pressure built up, and she just let it rip with no hesitation at all.
This time, the lads head slowly lifted up, revealing a poo-spattered face, and he said 'It's no good, love, I can't stand another sixty six of them!'
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Old 8th Feb 2019, 12:13
  #12532 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
"There must be something in here about how to use all the buttons on the watch."
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Old 8th Feb 2019, 17:02
  #12533 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
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Old 8th Feb 2019, 19:00
  #12534 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811

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Old 9th Feb 2019, 12:17
  #12535 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
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Old 9th Feb 2019, 18:06
  #12536 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: uk
Posts: 846
Those of us who have seen Kirkwall will understand why the population buy lots of sex toys as a distraction from the environment, as will those who know Southend people and their enjoyment of a good orgasm..
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 10:03
  #12537 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
Age: 73
Posts: 798
Those of us who have seen Kirkwall will understand why the population buy lots of sex toys as a distraction from the environment
I don't understand the need there. I thought the sex toys were widely available, for free (unless you are caught!) and they just roam the countryside, nibbling grass!
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 11:44
  #12538 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand. ,Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."
In a number of carefully controlled trials scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day thenat the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of sh1t annually. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or rum, whisky or other spirit) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poo,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid than it is to drink water and be full of sh1t.
Both Houses of Parliament drink a lot of water which explains some of the results.

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Old 10th Feb 2019, 12:20
  #12539 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wild West Yorkshire
Age: 58
Posts: 3
As someone once said to George Cruikshank, the Victorian cartoonist, illustrator and temperance movement campaigner: "My dear George, water is very good everywhere, except on the brain".
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Old 10th Feb 2019, 12:38
  #12540 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
Age: 76
Posts: 1,863
Originally Posted by Random SLF View Post
As someone once said to George Cruikshank, the Victorian cartoonist, illustrator and temperance movement campaigner: "My dear George, water is very good everywhere, except on the brain".
For which a tap on the head can be the solution.
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