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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 7th Jan 2019, 19:02
  #12401 (permalink)  
 
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Old 7th Jan 2019, 20:44
  #12402 (permalink)  
 
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One for the kids:

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

One un-PC joke for the grown-ups:

What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
A woman.
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Old 8th Jan 2019, 11:39
  #12403 (permalink)  
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What's brown and sticky?

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Old 8th Jan 2019, 20:49
  #12404 (permalink)  
 
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My nephew took going to jail really, really badly. He refused food and drinks, he spat and swore at anyone coming near him and start throwing things around.
After that we never played Monopoly again.
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Old 9th Jan 2019, 19:19
  #12405 (permalink)  
 
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The only cow in a small town in the USA stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Canada quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow down from Canada
It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply ever again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset, and decided to go to the Vet,
who was considered very wise, tell him what was happening, and ask his advice.
As they explained "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Canada ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Canada.
"You are truly a wise Vet" they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Canada?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife comes from Canada"
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Old 9th Jan 2019, 22:30
  #12406 (permalink)  
 
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Old 10th Jan 2019, 22:12
  #12407 (permalink)  
 
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Old 11th Jan 2019, 00:35
  #12408 (permalink)  
 
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Historical facts #10,849
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Old 11th Jan 2019, 06:36
  #12409 (permalink)  
 
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One definition of a gentleman is "a man who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't".
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Old 11th Jan 2019, 08:22
  #12410 (permalink)  
 
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A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
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Old 11th Jan 2019, 12:14
  #12411 (permalink)  
 
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Old 11th Jan 2019, 14:45
  #12412 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by DaveReidUK View Post
One definition of a gentleman is "a man who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't".
The definition of perfect pitch is being able to throw a set of bagpipes into the toilet without hitting the sides, same goes for the Banjo.
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Old 11th Jan 2019, 14:47
  #12413 (permalink)  
 
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Followed by the banjo player.
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Old 11th Jan 2019, 14:48
  #12414 (permalink)  
 
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"Would you like ice in your Snowball?"

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Old 11th Jan 2019, 16:44
  #12415 (permalink)  
 
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Old 12th Jan 2019, 06:45
  #12416 (permalink)  
 
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It took me over a month to finish a jigsaw puzzle once; I was pleased with myself. On the box it said 2 to 5 years.
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Old 12th Jan 2019, 10:42
  #12417 (permalink)  
 
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An old Russian/Soviet joke:
KGB tender to supply lie detectors was won by a Moscow soldering iron plant due to unprecedented price/effectiveness performance demonstrated by its product line.
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Old 12th Jan 2019, 11:58
  #12418 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
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Quick rework.

Putin was woken up in the early morning recently by his footman.
"I'm awfully sorry to have to wake you sir, but it's an emergency. I have some good news and some bad news."
"Give me the bad news first", said Putin, keeping his eyes closed and struggling to ignore the thumping from last night's vodka.
"It's the Chinese, sir. They've landed on the far side of the moon!"
"God, that's truly bad. Ooofff.... And now I suppose you're going to give me with the good news?"
"Well, sir, it's all of them, sir."
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Old 12th Jan 2019, 13:19
  #12419 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by A_Van View Post
An old Russian/Soviet joke:
KGB tender to supply lie detectors was won by a Moscow soldering iron plant due to unprecedented price/effectiveness performance demonstrated by its product line.
Thanks, A_Van.
That reminds me of this one. Courtesy of Reddit.

A new tomb with a mummy was discovered in Egypt, but the world's experts could not decode any of the wall writings to figure out the name of the king or what dynasty he belonged to.
Eventually they asked the USSR to see if maybe they had an expert who could help. The USSR sent 4 KGB officers, who walked into the tomb and emerged an hour later.
They said it was the mummy of Neferkare II of the Eighth dynasty. Astonished, all the experts wanted to know what proof they had. The lead KGB officer replied: "We have his signed confession" .
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Old 13th Jan 2019, 16:53
  #12420 (permalink)  
 
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