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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 21st Dec 2018, 16:14
  #12361 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Chocolatetown
Age: 58
Posts: 83
First image of the DRONE deterrent system being deployed at Gatwick.
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Old 22nd Dec 2018, 05:06
  #12362 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
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Old 22nd Dec 2018, 07:13
  #12363 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 59
Posts: 328
Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
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Old 22nd Dec 2018, 13:47
  #12364 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
Posts: 1,810
My new job is exploiting the 'they-don't-know-their-a**e-from-their-elbow' weaknesses of the authorities in catching the drones by moving them around constantly. I'll be known as the Drone Arranger! Boom Boom!

CG
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Old 22nd Dec 2018, 14:08
  #12365 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 22nd Dec 2018, 19:50
  #12366 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: avro country
Age: 68
Posts: 174
What time is it?
It's cowboy time.
What's cowboy time?





Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten ten ten....................................
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Old 23rd Dec 2018, 20:55
  #12367 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 24th Dec 2018, 15:57
  #12368 (permalink)  

Gentleman Aviator
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Teetering Towers - somewhere in the Shires
Age: 70
Posts: 3,374
ricardian

your guy on the right (post 12361) - for whom much respect - reminds me of an old chum who was similarly "somewhat deficient in the leg department".

He used to wear a t-shirt with the slogan "Help Stamp Out Land Mines!"
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Old 24th Dec 2018, 21:34
  #12369 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 79
Posts: 1,146
Merry Christmas To All!

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Old 26th Dec 2018, 12:52
  #12370 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 990
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Old 26th Dec 2018, 14:10
  #12371 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
A fake priest who ran baptisms and took confessions for 18 years after forging ordination papers is revealed.

He was only discovered when an Altar Boy said he was the only 'Priest' who had never touched him.
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Old 26th Dec 2018, 14:24
  #12372 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,598
Old Tom was nearing the end of his life. The doctors had tried there best but it was only a matter of time and the priest had said his farewells. He lay there alone in his bed and he could hear his wife busying herself in the kitchen. There then came the unmistakable aroma of chocolate éclairs.

They were his favourite. His calls went unanswered so he decided to try it for himself. He struggled out of his bed and crawled along the floor down the corridor to the kitchen. On the edge of the table he could see the éclairs on a plate. He struggled to reach them and as he did so there was a sudden crack across his knuckles with a heavy spoon.

"Get your hands off those, they're for your funeral.".
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Old 26th Dec 2018, 15:41
  #12373 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Out in the sticks in DE56
Age: 81
Posts: 542
... and so Old Tom was returned to his bed.
Accepting that he really was on the way out, he asked for a visit from his solicitor, his bank manager and a priest.
When they arrived, he instructed the solicitor to sit on one side of his bed, the banker on the other side, and the priest at the foot. "All right, Tom" says the Revd Father, "I can understand why you asked me to come, but why did you ask for these two gentlemen to be with you as well?"
"Well, Father, you taught us that Our Lord died between two thieves, so I thought it would be a good way for me to go, too."
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Old 27th Dec 2018, 03:39
  #12374 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Northern Victoria
Age: 76
Posts: 10
Wayne, was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, the old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne.

'What's in the bag?' asked the old man.

Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

'Good trade..'
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Old 27th Dec 2018, 10:07
  #12375 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 990
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Old 27th Dec 2018, 13:25
  #12376 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
Well, it is the season to be jolly, etc
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Old 27th Dec 2018, 13:44
  #12377 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
I took a fifty mile taxi trip to my court hearing the other day.

On arrival the driver asked me what I was there for.

"Bankruptcy" I said, "you may as well follow me in!"
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Old 27th Dec 2018, 18:23
  #12378 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
Posts: 94
Unfortunately we didn’t pluck our Christmas goose properly and now every time I go to the toilet I’m feeling down in the dumps.
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Old 28th Dec 2018, 06:33
  #12379 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
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Old 28th Dec 2018, 10:42
  #12380 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 35
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