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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 5th Dec 2018, 15:04
  #12321 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
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Old 5th Dec 2018, 18:00
  #12322 (permalink)  

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Old 5th Dec 2018, 20:32
  #12323 (permalink)  
 
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Old 5th Dec 2018, 23:12
  #12324 (permalink)  
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I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
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Old 6th Dec 2018, 05:33
  #12325 (permalink)  
 
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Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
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Old 6th Dec 2018, 12:51
  #12326 (permalink)  
 
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Out with couple of friends with 3 of their wives joing them recently. Subject came onto cars.

One wife said if I was a car it would be a Ferrari, "Sleek, sophisticated, expensive, purrs like a dream", her other half said nothing but look on his face said something different and he just commented "High maintenance", look on her face was priceless.

Second wife about to but her hubby jumped in, "Bumpers front and back are starting to sag, high mileage but well run in, lots of maintenance needed before taking it out for a run but well upholstered". Open mouths everywhere but he bought himself space with "Its a classic and wouldn't trade it in for anything".

Third wife looked at hubby and just said, "Its dark and raining outside, 35 miles home, I am designated driver tonight and you left your key at home plus you have no money for a taxi............... Darling", look on face was wonderful as unusually for him he remained quiet.
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Old 6th Dec 2018, 14:48
  #12327 (permalink)  

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Old 6th Dec 2018, 14:52
  #12328 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
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Old 6th Dec 2018, 16:13
  #12329 (permalink)  
 
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You'll like Jen she has a great personality. You mean she's [email protected]£king ugly. Hic!
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Old 7th Dec 2018, 16:55
  #12330 (permalink)  
 
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After 12,000+ posts this is likely a repeat, but...

Harry's down at his local watering hole, The Duck 'n Dive, pished as a newt. Having over-imbibed, he can't hold his drink any longer and vomits down the front of his shirt.

'Oh bloody hell! How I am going to explain this to the wife? She's going to kill me!' he says to his buddy Tom, who's stood next to him at the bar.

'Don't worry, Harry. I have a plan. Here's £20. Stick it in your pocket,' replies Tom.

'Thanks, but how's that going to help?' Harry asks.

'When you get home, tell your wife that some reprobate threw up on you and gave you £20 to pay the cleaning bill,' answers Tom.

'Great idea! Thanks Tom,' Harry replies.

Arriving home a while later, Harry opens the front door and is confronted by his wife, who after a withering glance at Harry looks set to explode.

'I can't bloody believe it...' she begins.

'No love, you don't understand,' interrupts Harry. 'Just reach into my pocket first and then I'll explain.'

She does as Harry asks and pulls £40 out of his pocket.

'Go on then, explain yourself,' she demands.

'Well, I was having a quiet half pint with Tom when this drunkard staggers up to the bar where we are stood and then proceeds to throw up on me. Nothing I could do about it, but to give him his due, he paid me £20 to pay for the cleaning,' Tom tells her.

'Then how come you've got £40?'

'Oh, yes. Well the other £20 was from the rascal who shat in my pants.'
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Old 7th Dec 2018, 17:11
  #12331 (permalink)  
 
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Confucius say: He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
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Old 10th Dec 2018, 08:42
  #12332 (permalink)  

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Old 10th Dec 2018, 08:43
  #12333 (permalink)  

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Old 10th Dec 2018, 10:02
  #12334 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
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A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife-point told the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “Take anything you want. Kill me if you must. But please untie the rope and free her.”

The thief replied, “You must really love your wife !”

The man said, “Yes, and she'll be here any minute.”
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Old 10th Dec 2018, 12:12
  #12335 (permalink)  
 
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Old 10th Dec 2018, 17:24
  #12336 (permalink)  
 
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Reminds of the true story about a pensioners week away to Blackpool by coach.

Couple put together is same room, double bed.

At end of week orgaiser said "Did you and your husband enjoy your week here", Lady said "He is not my husband, don't know who he was, but didn't want to make a fuss".
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Old 11th Dec 2018, 08:40
  #12337 (permalink)  
 
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Old 13th Dec 2018, 01:13
  #12338 (permalink)  
 
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Old 13th Dec 2018, 11:00
  #12339 (permalink)  
 
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My girlfriend told me she was pregnant, and my whole life changed-



My address, phone number, the name I used.......
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Old 13th Dec 2018, 11:14
  #12340 (permalink)  
 
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A wife comes in after a long girlie evening withher friends, starts talking of Sandra and Dave their close friends. Said Sandra talking of the wonderful orgasms she having with Dave last week and how come they didn't do that. Hubby just said "maybe my D***k isn't as long as Dave's". Wife started to laugh until hubbys said, "Dave was with me on a golfing holiday last week, he played golf and drank beer and wasn't on the phone to Sandra"
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