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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 3rd Dec 2018, 04:27
  #12321 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 158
While riding his Harley, Bubba swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging his head.

Dazed and confused Bubba crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As Bubba looked up, he noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," Bubba replied as he pulled himself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," Bubba answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, Bubba agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

They arrived at her place, which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, Bubba thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
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Old 5th Dec 2018, 09:37
  #12322 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
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The germans really need to tighten-up on their cake security - at this time of year a heck of a lot of it is stollen.
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Old 5th Dec 2018, 15:03
  #12323 (permalink)  

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Old 5th Dec 2018, 15:04
  #12324 (permalink)  

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Old 5th Dec 2018, 18:00
  #12325 (permalink)  

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Old 5th Dec 2018, 20:32
  #12326 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
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Old 5th Dec 2018, 23:12
  #12327 (permalink)  
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I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
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Old 6th Dec 2018, 05:33
  #12328 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 79
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Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
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Old 6th Dec 2018, 12:51
  #12329 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
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Out with couple of friends with 3 of their wives joing them recently. Subject came onto cars.

One wife said if I was a car it would be a Ferrari, "Sleek, sophisticated, expensive, purrs like a dream", her other half said nothing but look on his face said something different and he just commented "High maintenance", look on her face was priceless.

Second wife about to but her hubby jumped in, "Bumpers front and back are starting to sag, high mileage but well run in, lots of maintenance needed before taking it out for a run but well upholstered". Open mouths everywhere but he bought himself space with "Its a classic and wouldn't trade it in for anything".

Third wife looked at hubby and just said, "Its dark and raining outside, 35 miles home, I am designated driver tonight and you left your key at home plus you have no money for a taxi............... Darling", look on face was wonderful as unusually for him he remained quiet.
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Old 6th Dec 2018, 14:48
  #12330 (permalink)  

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Old 6th Dec 2018, 14:52
  #12331 (permalink)  

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Old 6th Dec 2018, 16:13
  #12332 (permalink)  
 
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You'll like Jen she has a great personality. You mean she's [email protected]£king ugly. Hic!
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Old 7th Dec 2018, 16:55
  #12333 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
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After 12,000+ posts this is likely a repeat, but...

Harry's down at his local watering hole, The Duck 'n Dive, pished as a newt. Having over-imbibed, he can't hold his drink any longer and vomits down the front of his shirt.

'Oh bloody hell! How I am going to explain this to the wife? She's going to kill me!' he says to his buddy Tom, who's stood next to him at the bar.

'Don't worry, Harry. I have a plan. Here's £20. Stick it in your pocket,' replies Tom.

'Thanks, but how's that going to help?' Harry asks.

'When you get home, tell your wife that some reprobate threw up on you and gave you £20 to pay the cleaning bill,' answers Tom.

'Great idea! Thanks Tom,' Harry replies.

Arriving home a while later, Harry opens the front door and is confronted by his wife, who after a withering glance at Harry looks set to explode.

'I can't bloody believe it...' she begins.

'No love, you don't understand,' interrupts Harry. 'Just reach into my pocket first and then I'll explain.'

She does as Harry asks and pulls £40 out of his pocket.

'Go on then, explain yourself,' she demands.

'Well, I was having a quiet half pint with Tom when this drunkard staggers up to the bar where we are stood and then proceeds to throw up on me. Nothing I could do about it, but to give him his due, he paid me £20 to pay for the cleaning,' Tom tells her.

'Then how come you've got £40?'

'Oh, yes. Well the other £20 was from the rascal who shat in my pants.'
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Old 7th Dec 2018, 17:11
  #12334 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
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Confucius say: He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
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Old 10th Dec 2018, 08:42
  #12335 (permalink)  

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Old 10th Dec 2018, 08:43
  #12336 (permalink)  

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Old 10th Dec 2018, 10:02
  #12337 (permalink)  

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Join Date: May 2004
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Age: 61
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A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at knife-point told the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “Take anything you want. Kill me if you must. But please untie the rope and free her.”

The thief replied, “You must really love your wife !”

The man said, “Yes, and she'll be here any minute.”
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Old 10th Dec 2018, 12:12
  #12338 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 10th Dec 2018, 17:24
  #12339 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
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Reminds of the true story about a pensioners week away to Blackpool by coach.

Couple put together is same room, double bed.

At end of week orgaiser said "Did you and your husband enjoy your week here", Lady said "He is not my husband, don't know who he was, but didn't want to make a fuss".
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Old 11th Dec 2018, 08:40
  #12340 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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