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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 23rd Nov 2018, 11:00
  #12301 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
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Old 23rd Nov 2018, 18:21
  #12302 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,179
It's Friday - Dad's turn to cook.
He decides to cook deer (venison) but he's a bit wary about telling the kids.
The family sits down and one of the kids asks what it is. Dad says "It's what Mum sometimes calls me."
Kid spits out the meal - "Yuk - it's F*cking D!ck"
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Old 24th Nov 2018, 04:04
  #12303 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
Age: 48
Posts: 904
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Old 24th Nov 2018, 08:35
  #12304 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
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Old 24th Nov 2018, 10:16
  #12305 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
ricardian is offline  
Old 26th Nov 2018, 05:48
  #12306 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,000
Pun Lover's Delight

SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:
We will heel you, We will save your sole, We will even dye for you.

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
" Blind man driving."

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels!

At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck :
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck :
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blow out"

On an Electrician's truck :
"Let us remove your shorts.."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door :
"Push. Push. Push."

At a Car Dealership :
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room :
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait..."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises."
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 26th Nov 2018, 05:49
  #12307 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,000
Newly Weds

After the honeymoon, Tom was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.

His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said: "Honey, I've just been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend so much of your time out here in your garage and could consider selling some of your machinery and stuff…like your gun collection, fishing gear, boat, and lose all those stupid model airplanes. And sell that vintage hot rod sports car, and dump that home brewing kit”…Tom got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her.. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, “Nothing…but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied, “I wasn’t…."
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Old 26th Nov 2018, 06:28
  #12308 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
I went to golf lessons with a professional instructor.

I hit a few balls and missed the green on every shot.

He said “I can see your problem you need to cut six inches off all your clubs”.

“Will that improve my game?” I asked.

“No" he replied "but they’ll fit in the bin easier” .
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Old 26th Nov 2018, 08:26
  #12309 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,646
Local plumber's van:

You've tried the cowboys
Now try the Indians
Pontius Navigator is online now  
Old 26th Nov 2018, 10:16
  #12310 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by Pontius Navigator View Post
Local plumber's van:

You've tried the cowboys
Now try the Indians
I actually saw that one on an electricians van in NW London - the electrician was an Indian!
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Old 26th Nov 2018, 23:49
  #12311 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
ricardian is offline  
Old 27th Nov 2018, 16:26
  #12312 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
ricardian is offline  
Old 28th Nov 2018, 04:46
  #12313 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
ricardian is offline  
Old 29th Nov 2018, 06:53
  #12314 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 669

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Old 29th Nov 2018, 08:50
  #12315 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
I got called into human resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked if I knew the difference between left and right wing. I told them to get lost as my politics were my business.

They still sacked me though, turns out aircraft are bloody expensive to fix.
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Old 30th Nov 2018, 00:36
  #12316 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
ricardian is offline  
Old 30th Nov 2018, 04:57
  #12317 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
ricardian is offline  
Old 30th Nov 2018, 09:36
  #12318 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Cambridge, England, EU
Posts: 3,437
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Old 2nd Dec 2018, 10:03
  #12319 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
ricardian is offline  
Old 3rd Dec 2018, 01:22
  #12320 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 80
Posts: 1,150
Wi-Fi & Auto Correct

Texts between Richard and Fred......
"Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard

Neighbor’s response:
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard"
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