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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 27th Oct 2018, 19:12
  #12241 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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Old 27th Oct 2018, 20:25
  #12242 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,310
A variation of Cavuman's joke:

"Hand your sticks in the air, this is a fcuk-up!"
"...don't you mean a stick-up?"
"No, it's a fcuk-up, I forgot my gun!"
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Old 27th Oct 2018, 20:43
  #12243 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 36
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Old 29th Oct 2018, 11:45
  #12244 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,186
So the rotory guys and gals don't feel left out of the whole conveyor-belt thing:
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Old 29th Oct 2018, 12:28
  #12245 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Canadian Shield
Posts: 536
Nope - it will just batter the air into submission.
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Old 29th Oct 2018, 16:26
  #12246 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
Bill Clinton

Political humor from a Canadian TV show, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton....

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton !"

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

He plays the saxophone.
He smoked weed.
He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now ? Look at him .... his wife works, and he doesn't !
And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath:
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in the Oval Office between the Bushes.
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Old 30th Oct 2018, 13:27
  #12247 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
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Old 30th Oct 2018, 20:27
  #12248 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 895
I asked a Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting, but then fell asleep.
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Old 31st Oct 2018, 12:38
  #12249 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom .

The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She started walking slowly towards the minister.

The congregation was aghast, you could almost hear a pin drop.

The groom's jaw dropped as he stared at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.

The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward ? What do you have to say ?"

There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."

And that's what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.
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Old 31st Oct 2018, 16:05
  #12250 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 895
The producers of The Simpsons are to write out the character Apu over claims of racist stereotyping.

A spokesman said, 'The Simpsons is a family show, and to show we're not racist we have decided to kick out the only Indian character.'
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Old 31st Oct 2018, 22:26
  #12251 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
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Old 31st Oct 2018, 22:53
  #12252 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
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Old 1st Nov 2018, 10:08
  #12253 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac.

She was doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much I had to put on my seat belt and
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked mobile phone away from my ear.

Which fell into my coffee which was between my legs,

Splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins.

Ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers...........
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Old 1st Nov 2018, 12:18
  #12254 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 75
Posts: 172
Still want a smart home?

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Old 1st Nov 2018, 16:55
  #12255 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 895
Sergeant: "You haven't turned up for the last two camouflage lessons".

Private: "That's where you're wrong Sarge!"
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Old 1st Nov 2018, 17:17
  #12256 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
Posts: 47
Or, "Didn't see you at camouflage practice Private Jones."
"Thank you sir."
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Old 1st Nov 2018, 18:01
  #12257 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
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Old 1st Nov 2018, 22:59
  #12258 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Posts: 395
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'Search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
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Old 2nd Nov 2018, 20:26
  #12259 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 895
Masterchef, eat your heart out !


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Old 2nd Nov 2018, 20:30
  #12260 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
Age: 47
Posts: 899
Doggy style in Scotland
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