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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 28th Sep 2018, 09:24
  #12161 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Bahrain
Posts: 313
There was a man from Saudi
Who bought his wife an Audi
She said Wow that's pretty cool
Now I can drive your other wives to school
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Old 2nd Oct 2018, 05:30
  #12162 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 920
Geoffrey Hayes from Rainbow has died.

"I don't even remember him being in the band, " said Ritchie Blackmore.
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Old 2nd Oct 2018, 22:18
  #12163 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: In the workshop, Prune-whispering.
Age: 68
Posts: 740

I think I've finally stumbled upon it, lucky or what!
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Old 3rd Oct 2018, 11:49
  #12164 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 1999
Location: UK
Posts: 0
Looks like the Fragrant Pond paint shop saboteur has struck again:

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Old 4th Oct 2018, 06:23
  #12165 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 920
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Old 4th Oct 2018, 07:43
  #12166 (permalink)  

Gentleman Aviator
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Teetering Towers - somewhere in the Shires
Age: 71
Posts: 3,511

Easier than it used to be:

Fellow goes into a shop and says:

"I'd like to buy a wasp"

Shopkeeper: "We don't sell wasps"

"But you've got one in the window....."

Hat, coat etc...
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Old 4th Oct 2018, 16:20
  #12167 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
Age: 82
Posts: 50
Only slightly funny, but true:-
As my climbing partner (even older than me) and I were lacing up our boots to go for a wee wander over a few hills, a passing motorist stopped and offered to help. Now I know we both look pretty geriatric, but we can still manage to put on our own boots. So, somewhat puzzled, we declined his offer. "But you've got a puncture, surely I can help," he said. Even more mystified, we assured him we had no puncture. He looked equally mystified, but soon gave up and drove off.
Hours later, up the hill, the penny dropped.
When you leave a TVR in a layby for several hours, it is prudent to put the roof up. And to get the roof panel out of the boot, you must first remove the spare wheel and lay it on the ground.

Truly, to assume anything makes an ASS of U and ME.
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Old 5th Oct 2018, 19:17
  #12168 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: In the workshop, Prune-whispering.
Age: 68
Posts: 740
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
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Old 6th Oct 2018, 06:52
  #12169 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 920
If you go down to the woods today, you're in for a big surprise..
If you go down to the woods today, you'd better go in disguise..

Them mountain lions better watch out!
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Old 6th Oct 2018, 16:12
  #12170 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 56
Posts: 31
Air Force To Adopt Prancercise Physical Fitness Program

Nearly a year after changes to Air Force PT rules went into effect, service officials announced on Monday the adoption of a new service-wide fitness conditioning program commonly known as Prancercise, Duffel Blog has learned.
Defined as “a springy, rhythmic way of moving, similar to a horse’s gait and ideally induced by elation,” Prancercise will become the backbone of the Air Force physical fitness program on Sept 1.

According to a new Air Force Instruction, the goal of the new fitness program is to motivate airmen to participate in the freedom of a year-round free spirited fitness regimen. The new program will emphasize self-expression and enhance the inner-child of service members as they prance and galavant down the 1.5 mile fitness course.

“Based on feedback from our airmen, we believe tying our physical training to tired ‘workout’ routines and exercising in confined, unnatural environments like gyms is dehumanizing,” said Air Force spokesperson Capt. Steve Stephens. “We’re not like those poop throwing rock-apes they have in the Marines — hanging around a weight room full of meatheads lifting heavy objects and putting them down again is a redundancy beneath every airmen.”

Prancercise practitioners use imagery to picture themselves as a beautiful horse — a symbol of strength and endurance — freeing their minds of any negative self image which could directly affect mission accomplishment.

“Allowing airmen to fulfill their own sense of self-expression will lead to proper aerobic conditioning, strength and flexibility,” said Stephens. “Other benefits include increased productivity, optimized health, and decreased absenteeism because coming to work will be just so gosh darn fun!”
The new Air Force fitness test will not only measure physical strength and cardo-respiratory fitness as it did in the past. Airmen’s PT scores will now also be determined based on gait, rhythm and regularity, canter, and suppleness.

In a related story, the U.S. Navy has set aside $4.2 million to study the viability of adopting a program centered around the Shake Weight. Navy officials cite the vibration plate technology-based program as being a more functional and realistic biomechanical movement sailors actually perform on a daily basis.

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Old 7th Oct 2018, 09:20
  #12171 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 920
"What you up to?"

"I'm just watching The X Factor, dad."

What a way to find out your son will never make it to University.
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Old 7th Oct 2018, 09:30
  #12172 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 77
Posts: 175
The guy is so funny and I love his piece on the Flat Earth Theory. Sorry for the aeronautical content.

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Old 9th Oct 2018, 07:33
  #12173 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 920
A young constable sees his mates getting knocked down and beaten during a riot, bricks, bottles and stones flying everywhere. Thousands of violent protesters outnumber the police ten to one...

After a couple of minutes the young copper cracks and runs, ending up cowering in a shop doorway. A figure stands over him and places a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Come on son," says the figure "You're mates are still out their holding the line and doing their duty. They're relying on you - don't let them down...don't let yourself down...don't let the force down."

The young copper takes a deep breath..."You're right sarge, I'll be alright now." He stands up and starts to walk back to the line.

The figure says "Well, done lad...oh, and by the way, it's Chief Superintendent, not Sergeant"

"Bloody hell!" say the young copper "I didn't realise I'd run that far back..."
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Old 9th Oct 2018, 07:49
  #12174 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: west aust'
Age: 58
Posts: 35
How do you know when you've had a good christmas?

when your snow angel has a skidmark .
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Old 10th Oct 2018, 12:41
  #12175 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,020
Vet: "That your dog ?"
Farmer: "Yep."
Vet: "Mind if I speak to him ?"
Framer: "Dog don't talk'.
Vet: "Hey dog, how's it going ?"
Dog: "Doin' ok."
Farmer: (Look of shock)
Vet: "Is this man your owner ?" (Pointing at the farmer)
Dog: "Yep."
Vet: "How's he treating you ?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Farmer: (Look of total disbelief)
Vet: "Mind if I talk to your horse ?"
Farmer: "Horse don't talk."
Vet: "Hey horse, how's it going ?"
Horse: "Cool."
Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)
Vet: "Is this your owner ?" (Pointing to the man)
Horse: "Yep."
Vet: "How's he treating you ?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Farmer: (Look of total amazement)
Vet: "Mind if I talk to your sheep ?'
Farmer: "That sheep's a liar !"
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Old 10th Oct 2018, 14:23
  #12176 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 920
They told me Iíd never be any good at poetry because Iím dyslexic, but I've proved them wrong. So far Iíve made two jugs, an ashtray and a vase!
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Old 10th Oct 2018, 18:30
  #12177 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 170
A woman is looking for a parrot as she finds them interesting. She finds two nice looking parrots in a pet store, one costs £495 the other costs £5. She asks a staff member why it’s so cheap and he tells her that it used too live in a brothel and swears a lot.

Amused the woman buys the parrot and takes it home.

Once settled it says “**** me, this is a nice brothel.” The woman laughs.

Later her daughters come home and the parrot whistles and says “**** me, new girls for the brothel.”

A few hours later her husband comes home from work and the parrot says “**** me keith, not seen you in ages!”
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Old 11th Oct 2018, 21:22
  #12178 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 56
Posts: 31
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Old 13th Oct 2018, 06:29
  #12179 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 69
Posts: 920
As the roar of the Soyuz rocket faded into the distance, propulsion technician Sergei started to pack his toolbox. The big adjustable wrench was missing and he thought to himself, "Mikael must have borrowed it again".
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Old 13th Oct 2018, 11:57
  #12180 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 170
I took the wife to the Doctors today because she desperately needs to lose some weight.

The Doctor said to her "Don't eat anything fatty"

She said "What, you mean like sausages and bacon and stuff?"

He said "No. Don't eat anything, fatty"
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