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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 14th Sep 2018, 16:41
  #12121 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
Oh my word!
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Old 14th Sep 2018, 17:12
  #12122 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,218
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post

More likely he is telling them that they are missing a "conditioning" vial in one of the seat pockets
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Old 14th Sep 2018, 18:57
  #12123 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
Probably not PC anymore
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Old 14th Sep 2018, 23:17
  #12124 (permalink)  
Está servira para distraerle.
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: In a perambulator.
Posts: 1
The advertisement is extremely well suited to the cross gender morass that seems to so confuse the public these days. While the text wording of the advert is obviously directed at women, the color coding of the household items is all in blue and thus directed at men. The advertisement is a paragon of politically correct adjargon, years ahead of its time. Even those standard bearers in the rather sensitive LGBTQIA departments should rejoice at such insightful consideration on the part of the manufacturer.
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Old 15th Sep 2018, 10:32
  #12125 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 999
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Old 15th Sep 2018, 14:59
  #12126 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 260
Paddy had just won the half million pound prize in Who wants to be a Millionare, when the compere asked him if he wished to carry on for the full Million, and he still had one lifeline left. Paddy agreed to carry on, and the compere asked: What bird from the following list does not live in its own nest, Blackbird, Robin, Cuckoo or Starling? Paddy wasn`t too sure, and could he call his brother in Ireland to which this was agreed.
"Seamus what bird doesn`t live in its own nest?"
"Well Paddy I`m sure it`s the Cuckoo"
OK said Paddy I`ll tell him that, to which the compere told him he had just won a million pounds.
The next day Paddy phoned Seamus again and asked him how he knew it was the Cuckoo.
"Well, said Seamus, I thought everyone knew that cuckoos lived in cuckoo clocks.
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Old 15th Sep 2018, 16:59
  #12127 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2018
Location: BRISTOL
Posts: 1
I had a bit of a moment earlier, I got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I buy Tesco Extra Value toilet roll.
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Old 15th Sep 2018, 19:25
  #12128 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
When I was a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.
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Old 15th Sep 2018, 19:28
  #12129 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 668
Recently I bought the electric version of the AC Cobra.
Yesterday evening I stupidly filled it with DC.
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Old 15th Sep 2018, 21:25
  #12130 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,175
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government.
John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of government.
But then I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money & power to government is like giving whiskey & car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.
Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one part of the citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when government does it.
Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save government.
Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have.
Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Aesop
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Old 16th Sep 2018, 18:58
  #12131 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered, "Why yes Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The General was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant and he was even better.

The General then asked him the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" He replied sheepishly, "Well Sir, you have no ears."
The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an infantryman and staff trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy and went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir, you wear contact lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, "What an incredibly observant NCO and he didn't mention my ears." He asked the Sergeant Major, "How do you know I wear contacts?"

"Well Sir", the soldier replied, "It's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f---ing ears."
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Old 16th Sep 2018, 22:35
  #12132 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 166
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying,

"I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me" and hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes
into the bedroom, she could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone; -
"she's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy
French shit, I love you".

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with
tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote;

"I can see your feet. Stop being retarded, we're outta bread, throw the kettle on, back in 5 minutes”
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Old 17th Sep 2018, 08:43
  #12133 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 999
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Old 17th Sep 2018, 10:12
  #12134 (permalink)  

Ich bin ein Prooner.
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Home of the Full Monty.
Posts: 505
A man who had not got any arms or legs had to give up on his attempt to swim the English Channel today after he got cramp in his ears.
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Old 17th Sep 2018, 12:30
  #12135 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 999
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Old 18th Sep 2018, 13:09
  #12136 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 999
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Old 18th Sep 2018, 16:32
  #12137 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
If you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery..

What colour of Ferrari would you order?
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Old 18th Sep 2018, 17:09
  #12138 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 999
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of pounds for a meal.

The man took out his wallet, extracted a ten pound note and asked:

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you MAD!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?”

The man replied: "That's OK … it's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
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Old 19th Sep 2018, 10:26
  #12139 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 999
A young doctor moved to a small community to replace one who
was retiring. The older doctor suggested that he should accompany him on his rounds.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The doctor says, “You’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount and see if that works?”
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman, How did you know?”
“I dropped my stethoscope on the floor & when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a dozen banana peels in the trash that was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said, “Very clever I’ll try that at the next house.”
At the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did saying, “I’m feeling run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger
doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit & see if that helps.”
As they left, the older doctor said, “I know that woman well and she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at that?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the Priest under the bed.”
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Old 19th Sep 2018, 12:08
  #12140 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
They say the pain during child birth is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man with man flu feels like.
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