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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 28th Aug 2018, 17:24
  #12081 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 916
My mate said, "I like your sports car."

I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."

He said, "How about I buy it off you."

I said, "Yeah go on then. £4000?"

He said, "You've got yourself a deal."

I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."
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Old 28th Aug 2018, 23:06
  #12082 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,005
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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Old 29th Aug 2018, 07:57
  #12083 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 916
Paddy and Mick are having a few drinks in a bar and Mick says "Look at those two scruffy drunks over there, imagine letting yourself get into that state?"

Paddy replies "You're looking in the bar mirror!".
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Old 30th Aug 2018, 07:24
  #12084 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 916
I went down to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today.
I walked up to the main desk to sign in and the lady pulled out a form to fill out.
She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, 'A folding bottle.'
She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'
'A fottle.'
'What else do you have there?'
'A folding carton.'
'OK, what do you call it?'
'A farton.'
She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds a bit crude.'
I was so upset by her comment I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket...
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Old 30th Aug 2018, 21:55
  #12085 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 31st Aug 2018, 01:56
  #12086 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Waikickamoocow NZ
Posts: 6
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives..Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?''Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!'
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Old 31st Aug 2018, 15:03
  #12087 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,005
A man appeared in a village and announced that he would buy monkeys for £5 each.

The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £5 each and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He then announced that he would buy monkeys at £10 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £50 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it.

The man announced that he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at £35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for £50."

The villagers rounded up all their savings & bought all the monkeys for £700 million pounds.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys.

Now you understand how the Government Banking Bailout Plan Works.
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Old 31st Aug 2018, 16:23
  #12088 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,005
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
because I still have mine.'
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Old 31st Aug 2018, 17:16
  #12089 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 31st Aug 2018, 23:50
  #12090 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 172
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Old 31st Aug 2018, 23:52
  #12091 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: No longer welcome status
Posts: 125
Originally Posted by Nervous SLF View Post
ROFL
Use Post Office issue shoes with logo even better
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Old 1st Sep 2018, 01:21
  #12092 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Hanging off the end of a thread
Posts: 18,212
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!R21; Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!” The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.” So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”; The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 blondes begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!” The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?” The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?” Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 blondes jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”
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Old 1st Sep 2018, 12:57
  #12093 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,005
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'but she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'
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Old 2nd Sep 2018, 01:24
  #12094 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 7,189
Not a footie fan but it made me laugh...

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Old 2nd Sep 2018, 10:25
  #12095 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 172
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Old 2nd Sep 2018, 11:05
  #12096 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,005
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Old 2nd Sep 2018, 13:27
  #12097 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 2nd Sep 2018, 16:22
  #12098 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 2nd Sep 2018, 22:15
  #12099 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: One Three Seven, Disco Heaven.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,600
UK government to ban the use of shock collars for cats and dogs. Thankfully it doesn't apply to Goldfish.
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Old 3rd Sep 2018, 12:14
  #12100 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,005
A Dish Best Served Cold

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU
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