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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 18th Jun 2018, 17:58
  #11881 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they detest fast food.

Why does a Frenchman limit his breakfast to one egg?
Because in France, one egg is an oeuf.
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Old 18th Jun 2018, 21:42
  #11882 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
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Man annoyed with wife said he would put on her gravestone "Always been Cold".
She replied that she would put on his "Stiff at Last"
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Old 19th Jun 2018, 05:52
  #11883 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
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Originally Posted by chuks View Post
"When I drive past in my new Ferrari I want people to say "Ooh! Look at that S car go!"
Nissan S-Cargo (1988) - Car Design News
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Old 19th Jun 2018, 06:17
  #11884 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 604
Yes, I remember Nissan producing that car, well after the original joke.
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Old 19th Jun 2018, 08:20
  #11885 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,571
One will knock you back £4/5000.

https://www.carandclassic.co.uk/list/84/figaro/
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Old 19th Jun 2018, 09:25
  #11886 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
Posts: 47
Went to a fancy dress party with my my girlfriend on my back. Someone asked me what I came as. I said, "A snail and this is Michelle."
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Old 19th Jun 2018, 12:51
  #11887 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
Three friends met at the cabin for the annual deer hunt. No one wanted to room with Ron because he snored so loud. After putting it to a vote it was decided that they would each take a turn staying with him.

The first man came down for breakfast the next morning, his hair was a mess and his eyes were all bloodshot. Everyone at the table looked at him and said, “Man, what happened you?” He said, “Ron snored so loud, I couldn’t sleep I sat up all night and watched him.”

The next night another one of the men took a turn, when he came down for breakfast the men all said, “Man what happened to you? You look awful!” The same thing again, his hair was standing up and his eyes were bloodshot. He said, “Man, Ron snores so loud, the roof rattles! I just watched him all night.”

On the third night it was Fred’s turn. Fred was an old cowboy –a real man’s man. The next morning he came down for breakfast all bright eyed and bushy tailed and said, “Good morning!”

The men at the breakfast table couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?”
Fred replied, “Well we were getting ready for bed and I tucked Ron in, patted him on the behind and kissed him good night. Ron stayed up all night and watched me.”
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Old 20th Jun 2018, 09:27
  #11888 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
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Old 20th Jun 2018, 09:43
  #11889 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 895
Security escorted me out of the Job Centre this morning after I called them all lazy, uncaring and useless bastards.

To be honest, I hated that job anyway.
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Old 22nd Jun 2018, 16:44
  #11890 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
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Old 22nd Jun 2018, 19:49
  #11891 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
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The new guy goes to lunch with the boss. They hop out of the bosses' big Mercedes and the guy tells him how much he admires his car.

The boss says, "Work hard, show up on time, and cut corners and costs everywhere you can, and soon enough, I'll be able to buy an even bigger and better Merc, my boy!"
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Old 22nd Jun 2018, 20:07
  #11892 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
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While sitting in my dentist's waiting room this morning I picked up a copy of What Car magazine and was shocked to read that Ford was phasing out the Cortina and replacing it with the Sierra.
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Old 22nd Jun 2018, 20:13
  #11893 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 391
I don't understand the use of the word "get" in this context, which has appeared with subtlety recently.

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Old 22nd Jun 2018, 20:26
  #11894 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 895
My friend says he has this thing where he keeps hearing ringing all the time.
"Tinnitus?" I asked.
"No" he said, "a daughter with a cellphone!".
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Old 22nd Jun 2018, 20:32
  #11895 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: UK
Age: 48
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Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
While sitting in my dentist's waiting room this morning I picked up a copy of What Car magazine and was shocked to read that Ford was phasing out the Cortina and replacing it with the Sierra.
I was so sad at that Sitig - I liked my Cortinas ��


Last edited by Paulf; 22nd Jun 2018 at 20:38. Reason: gitis spelling - damn autocorrect
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Old 22nd Jun 2018, 20:40
  #11896 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Cambridge, England, EU
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Originally Posted by vapilot2004 View Post
The new guy goes to lunch with the boss. They hop out of the bosses' big Mercedes and the guy tells him how much he admires his car.

The boss says, "Work hard, show up on time, and cut corners and costs everywhere you can, and soon enough, I'll be able to buy an even bigger and better Merc, my boy!"
My boss was very proud of his new car. A couple of weeks after be bought it there was a company piss-up meeting at a venue in the countryside. So I and a bunch of mates chartered a helicopter and somewhat upstaged the boss' new car by flying into the event, landing in front of the whole company, in the car park, with his car (amongst others) banished to a field round the back to make room for the chopper
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Old 22nd Jun 2018, 20:46
  #11897 (permalink)  
 
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Old 23rd Jun 2018, 08:46
  #11898 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
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Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
While sitting in my dentist's waiting room this morning I picked up a copy of What Car magazine and was shocked to read that Ford was phasing out the Cortina and replacing it with the Sierra.
Reminiscent of the one about the passenger on a Virgin train who bought a pork pie. It had a price label on the wrapper. As there seemed to be another label underneath, he peeled the top one off and the one underneath was printed "1/11" .
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Old 23rd Jun 2018, 09:45
  #11899 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
Another Oldie

A man buys a Ferrari and takes it out for a drive. Of course, he speeds like crazy.
Suddenly he notices blue flashing lights behind him and panicking he floors it. 100... 120... 140 mph.
Then sanity hits and he pulls over.
The cop says, "Sir, you were speeding but it's the end of my shift and I'm tired. Give me an excuse I haven't heard before and I'll let you go."
"Well, a few years ago my wife left me for a police officer. I thought you were him bringing her back."
"Have a nice night, sir."
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Old 23rd Jun 2018, 13:12
  #11900 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: West Wiltshire, UK
Age: 66
Posts: 369
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........."













"I found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
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