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Friday Jokes

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Old 18th Jun 2018, 17:23
  #11881 (permalink)  
Drain Bamaged
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: Canada
Age: 50
Posts: 358
How do snails make important calls?
On shell phones.
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Old 18th Jun 2018, 17:58
  #11882 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 50
Posts: 1,692
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they detest fast food.

Why does a Frenchman limit his breakfast to one egg?
Because in France, one egg is an oeuf.
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Old 18th Jun 2018, 21:42
  #11883 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 79
Posts: 669
Man annoyed with wife said he would put on her gravestone "Always been Cold".
She replied that she would put on his "Stiff at Last"
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Old 19th Jun 2018, 05:52
  #11884 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 66
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by chuks View Post
"When I drive past in my new Ferrari I want people to say "Ooh! Look at that S car go!"
Nissan S-Cargo (1988) - Car Design News
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Old 19th Jun 2018, 06:17
  #11885 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 467
Yes, I remember Nissan producing that car, well after the original joke.
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Old 19th Jun 2018, 08:20
  #11886 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 3,933
One will knock you back £4/5000.

https://www.carandclassic.co.uk/list/84/figaro/
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Old 19th Jun 2018, 09:25
  #11887 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 63
Posts: 14
Went to a fancy dress party with my my girlfriend on my back. Someone asked me what I came as. I said, "A snail and this is Michelle."
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Old 19th Jun 2018, 12:51
  #11888 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 59
Posts: 972
Three friends met at the cabin for the annual deer hunt. No one wanted to room with Ron because he snored so loud. After putting it to a vote it was decided that they would each take a turn staying with him.

The first man came down for breakfast the next morning, his hair was a mess and his eyes were all bloodshot. Everyone at the table looked at him and said, “Man, what happened you?” He said, “Ron snored so loud, I couldn’t sleep I sat up all night and watched him.”

The next night another one of the men took a turn, when he came down for breakfast the men all said, “Man what happened to you? You look awful!” The same thing again, his hair was standing up and his eyes were bloodshot. He said, “Man, Ron snores so loud, the roof rattles! I just watched him all night.”

On the third night it was Fred’s turn. Fred was an old cowboy –a real man’s man. The next morning he came down for breakfast all bright eyed and bushy tailed and said, “Good morning!”

The men at the breakfast table couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?”
Fred replied, “Well we were getting ready for bed and I tucked Ron in, patted him on the behind and kissed him good night. Ron stayed up all night and watched me.”
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Old 20th Jun 2018, 09:27
  #11889 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Age: 69
Posts: 156

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Old 20th Jun 2018, 09:43
  #11890 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 66
Posts: 853
Security escorted me out of the Job Centre this morning after I called them all lazy, uncaring and useless bastards.

To be honest, I hated that job anyway.
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