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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 14th Jun 2018, 13:25
  #11861 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: apogee
Age: 65
Posts: 59
What has less fizz than a Singapore Summit?

(a rhetorical joke)
meadowrun is online now  
Old 14th Jun 2018, 13:50
  #11862 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 623
A Kuala Lumpur Airport 'VX Face-slapper'?
jolihokistix is offline  
Old 14th Jun 2018, 19:57
  #11863 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
A man brought the vet a dog which the man said was possessed. When the vet asked him to explain, he threw a ball and called out "fetch!"
The dog responded by wailing, "Oy, mine bowels is killing me! And can you believe those kids of mine? They never, ever call!"
The vet said to the man "Oh my, your dog is deaf."
The man said "How do you know that, you haven't even examined him."
"It's easy, " replied the vet "Your dog thinks that you're telling him to kvetch."
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Old 15th Jun 2018, 11:58
  #11864 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 59
Posts: 328
Can't believe they've banned us from wearing England shirts at work for the duration of the World Cup.
It's political correctness gone mad.
Makes me want to quit the funeral business once and for all.
tezzer is offline  
Old 15th Jun 2018, 16:18
  #11865 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
World cup score.

Russia 5 Saudi Arabia 0

Looks like Saudi Arabia will beheading home soon.
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 15th Jun 2018, 16:58
  #11866 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,133
It's been snowing all night. So ....




8:00 I made a snowman.


8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.


8:15 So, I made a snow woman


8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere


8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead


8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts


8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,

as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.


8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple are white..


8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman to wear a burqa


8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended


8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role

8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction


8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up. I am asked if I know the

difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am

called a sexist.


9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices... my children are taken by social services


9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the Street demanding for me to be beheaded


Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live

today!
LGS6753 is online now  
Old 15th Jun 2018, 20:51
  #11867 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,606
And another strike against global warming.
Pontius Navigator is offline  
Old 15th Jun 2018, 22:54
  #11868 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Gods Country
Age: 49
Posts: 180
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Old 16th Jun 2018, 02:41
  #11869 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Canberra
Posts: 0
Angry

Originally Posted by LGS6753 View Post
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the Street demanding for me to be beheaded
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live
today!
This explains why everyone has mental health issues these days, and the government now needs to spend billions of dollars treating it, and telling everyone there is nothing wrong with them.
Dee Vee is offline  
Old 16th Jun 2018, 17:16
  #11870 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 993
A Golden Oldie........

Malcolm Turnbull called Bill Shorten into his office recently and said,

‘Bill, I have a great idea. We are going to go all out and talk to country voters.’

‘Good idea Malcolm, how will we go about it?’ said Bill.

‘Well,’ said Malcolm, ’We’ll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a typical old outback country pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.’

‘Right.’ said Bill.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

’G’day mate,’ said Malcolm to the bartender, ‘two middies of your best beer.’

‘Good afternoon Malcolm,’ said the bartender, ‘two middies of our best coming up.’

Turnbull and Shorten stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink.

The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip.

He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Turnbull and Shorten could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

‘Tell me,’ said Shorten, ‘why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog’s tail like that ? Is it an old outback custom ?’
‘Strewth no,’ said the barman. ‘Someone told ’em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes.’
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 16th Jun 2018, 17:28
  #11871 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
ricardian is offline  
Old 16th Jun 2018, 22:47
  #11872 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
1st guy: Have you seen the serial numbers they stamp on condoms?
2nd guy: No.
1st guy: Oh...I guess you don't have to roll yours out that far.
Lon More is offline  
Old 16th Jun 2018, 22:57
  #11873 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Hanging off the end of a thread
Posts: 16,083
Wife says to Husband,
I want a boob job, I have always wanted larger breasts,

Husband tells her
to wipe toilet paper across them twice a day

Wife says to husband
how will that help

Huband replies
Well its worked on your ass.
NutLoose is online now  
Old 16th Jun 2018, 23:24
  #11874 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 35
except that Liquid Zoo is a bar!
underfire is offline  
Old 17th Jun 2018, 19:27
  #11875 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 17th Jun 2018, 20:15
  #11876 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,606
Careful Sitigelfel, such non-PC posts could get you banned.

Mrs PN grinned
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Old 17th Jun 2018, 21:29
  #11877 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face.
Then he replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
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Old 18th Jun 2018, 10:06
  #11878 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southampton
Posts: 668
A friend had a racing snail and he though it might go faster if he took the shell off.

Unfortunately, it just became a little sluggish...
Saintsman is online now  
Old 18th Jun 2018, 17:34
  #11879 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Germany
Age: 71
Posts: 1,560
A snail won the lottery and decided he'd had enough of the slow pace of snail life, so that he decided to buy a Ferrari.

The salesman was happy to set him up with the full spec on a new 812 Superfast, carbon fiber this and that, and in bright red of course. He asked the snail if there was anything else, when the snail said that, yes, he wanted a big white "S" painted down each side of his new car.

Of course the salesman agreed to this, but he had to ask the snail why.

"When I drive past in my new Ferrari I want people to say "Ooh! Look at that S car go!"
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Old 18th Jun 2018, 18:23
  #11880 (permalink)  
Drain Bamaged
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: Earth
Age: 52
Posts: 415
How do snails make important calls?
On shell phones.
ehwatezedoing is online now  

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