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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 30th May 2018, 20:56
  #11821 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southampton
Posts: 662
Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
Liverpool goalkeeper Loris Karius is to quit football to work in a leper colony.

He's not worried as it has been proved he can't catch anything.
He was so distraught after the game, that he sat down in the changing room and threw his head into his hands in despair...

And missed.
Saintsman is offline  
Old 31st May 2018, 21:33
  #11822 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
Worst foursome in golf history

Stormy Daniels
O. J. Simpson
Ted Kennedy
Bill Clinton

because.......

Stormy is a hooker.
O. J. Is a slicer.
Ted can't drive over water.
Bill can't remember which hole he played last.
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Old 1st Jun 2018, 17:03
  #11823 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
Pfizer and Jack Daniels have got together to produce a whiskey with Viagra in it.

That way, after a tough day, you can sit down and pour yourself a stiff one.
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 2nd Jun 2018, 06:51
  #11824 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 165
Seventy plus woman to her also aging but able husband, "Don't touch me. I'm dead."
He to her, "How do you know?"
Her reply, "I must be dead because nothing hurts this morning."
Nervous SLF is offline  
Old 2nd Jun 2018, 08:13
  #11825 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
A woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's and asks "Can I have a perm please?"

"Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."

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Old 2nd Jun 2018, 13:47
  #11826 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 58
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by Nigerian Expat Outlaw View Post
My wife caught me shouting into an envelope today and asked me what was I doing.

I explained that I was sending a voicemail.
I received a letter in the post the other day with MDMA enclosed, apparently it was an e-mail.
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Old 2nd Jun 2018, 16:07
  #11827 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: California
Posts: 344
Local V,
A Geordy pote....!!! hilarious.
f
fleigle is offline  
Old 2nd Jun 2018, 21:31
  #11828 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
I got attacked by three blokes last night.

Managed to knock one out.

Probably wasn't the best time for a w**k but it could have been my last.
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Old 2nd Jun 2018, 21:50
  #11829 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
Bumped into my mate Dave, he's only got one arm.

I asked him, "Where you off to Dave ?".

He said "I'm going to change a light bulb".

I laughed my head off and said "That's going to be a bit awkward isn't it ?"

"Not really" he said, "I've still got the receipt you horrible tw*t".
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Old 5th Jun 2018, 11:35
  #11830 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
I was in the pub when I heard two men saying that they wouldn't feel
safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman after they noticed a female pilot sitting at the next table.

I couldn't believe what I heard and immediately went over to defend the woman.

I pointed out that women are as intelligent as men and that being a commercial pilot involves technical ability and not physical strength. I told them that their ignorance proved them to be sexist.

The female pilot thanked me as I was leaving.

I replied "You're welcome, after all its not as though you have to reverse to park".
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Old 5th Jun 2018, 23:34
  #11831 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 806
ricardian is offline  
Old 6th Jun 2018, 00:00
  #11832 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 806
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Old 6th Jun 2018, 11:58
  #11833 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 7th Jun 2018, 09:28
  #11834 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 806
Observation on a man's life.

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either s*x, cars or sport. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2018, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest,... like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men...
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Old 7th Jun 2018, 14:58
  #11835 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: avro country
Age: 68
Posts: 174
Best bit of roping and sheeting I've seen in ages.........
Linedog is offline  
Old 7th Jun 2018, 18:38
  #11836 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,099
There's no safety on that darn thing.

any passing gob could acidentally pull the end of just one string and his load would be jettisoned.
lomapaseo is offline  
Old 7th Jun 2018, 19:33
  #11837 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: cheshire
Posts: 38
SAVINGS AND BEER

Male logic ... Flawless
this is a conversation between a man and his wife

please note that she asks seven questions, which he answers quite simply.

But then she is speechless after answering only one question from him.

I bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: do you drink beer?

man: yes

woman: how many beers a day?

man: usually about three

woman: how much do you pay per beer?

man: $5 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

woman: and how long have you been drinking?

man: about 20 years, i suppose.

woman: so a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450.
in one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

man: correct



woman: if in one year you spend $5400, not counting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending on beer at $108,000 correct?

man: correct



woman: do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?



man: do you drink beer?

woman: no.



man: where is your airplane?
spargazer is offline  
Old 8th Jun 2018, 03:36
  #11838 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Germany
Age: 71
Posts: 1,560
Where is the joke?

"Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?"

That's exactly the sort of conversation I have been having for over 30 years with my wife. No, wrong ... that is the sort of thing I have been saying to my wife for over 30 years now.

The other, matching, part is her telasking me "You aren't going to be wearing that, are you?" when "that" might be a perfectly good shirt with a little crocodile on it that she pushed me into buying just 5 years ago. Okay, now it's a bit faded and frayed, but it cost 80 euros 5 years ago, and it took me a year or two just to get used to wearing it, so give me a break!

I had learned to check the rag bag out in the shed when a favorite vintage shirt would go missing, but now she cuts them up first.

My wife was chatting with another bint just the other evening. They were moaning about how it's mostly women at the dancing lessons they like to take (tango). I explained that most of the men who seriously like to dance the tango, like to dance it with other men. Hilarity did not ensue.
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Old 8th Jun 2018, 18:07
  #11839 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
Posts: 94
What stands in a field and goes "Ooooo"?

A cow with no lips
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Old 8th Jun 2018, 19:07
  #11840 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 79
Posts: 1,145
Happens All The Time

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