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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 10th May 2018, 17:06
  #11761 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 913
Wayne Rooney has been to visit Sir Alex Ferguson in hospital.

"His speech is improving and he can now just about string a sentence together".

Said Sir Alex.
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Old 10th May 2018, 20:42
  #11762 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 61
Posts: 5,562
Originally Posted by UniFoxOs View Post
Rape is impossible - woman with skirt up can run faster than man with trousers down.
I think that joke will work better if you replace "is" with "should be" or you'll incur the wrath of the #metoo brigade. (You also fail to address the matter of wearing shorts, coulottes, jeans, etc.)
Back to jokes, of the fake Confucius says variety:

He who keeps nose to grindstone is a bloody fool.
He who spurs the wanton wench is a poofter.
He who hesitates is constipated.
Confucius say... too much.
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Old 10th May 2018, 20:58
  #11763 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Southport
Posts: 1,102
More not Confuscius:

Man who squeeze sideways through Singapore Airlines turnstile going to Bangkok.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
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Old 10th May 2018, 21:21
  #11764 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 531
More Confucius: Lady who fly plane upside down bound to have crack-up.

Another Scottish nickname: Draino: clean round the bend.
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Old 11th May 2018, 03:52
  #11765 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 417
Cake or bed .........
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "fix the lights now?
Does it look like i have ‘ge' written on my forehead?
I don't think so."
“Fine," then the wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
to which he replies, "fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have ‘westinghouse' written on my forehead?
I don't think so."
“fine," she says, "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door?
They are about to break."

"i'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps."
he says, "does it look like i have 'home hardware' written on my forehead?
I don't think so - i've had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!!"

so he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours........................ .....

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks up to the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

“honey," he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?”

She says, "well, when you left i sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him."

"he offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either
go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

he says, "so what kind of cake did you bake?"

she replies, "hellooooo... Do you see 'betty crocker' written on my forehead?

I don't think so.”
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Old 11th May 2018, 08:26
  #11766 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 11th May 2018, 08:57
  #11767 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Mainland
Posts: 27
"My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer."
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Old 11th May 2018, 21:45
  #11768 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 34
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Old 12th May 2018, 19:58
  #11769 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: VHHH Ocean 2D
Posts: 726
Fat wife walks into the living room angry at her husband who is non the wiser. Her hair dishevelled, little bit of blood coming from an elbow.

"I just fell down the stairs!!", she complains to the husband. " Didn't you hear me??".

"Oh. Though it was just the start of EastEnders.

​​​​​
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Old 12th May 2018, 21:11
  #11770 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
Posts: 61
My wife asked me to pass the lip balm, by mistake I gave her the super glue and now she wont talk to me.
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Old 14th May 2018, 14:28
  #11771 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
Oh dear!
It's always sad to see a former film star who is down on his luck

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Old 14th May 2018, 15:00
  #11772 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,001
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

It is rumoured to be a real bitch to start in the morning.

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace when it becomes troublesome.
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Old 14th May 2018, 19:00
  #11773 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 14th May 2018, 21:40
  #11774 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 15th May 2018, 17:54
  #11775 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,001
Abdul went to the UK for the first time. He opened a furniture shop and lingerie shop. In 6 months he did good business.

He sent an email to his wife in Wurizistan saying:

Please pack up & come to UK.

I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 pairs of knickers.

I made £5000.

She replied:

It is better that you close your shop and come back fast.

With 1 mattress & with no knickers, I made £10,000.
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Old 15th May 2018, 17:57
  #11776 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,001
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he got a call on his mobile phone.

He ordered drinks for everybody in the bar and announced his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugged, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperary baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

"Had him circumcised."
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Old 15th May 2018, 20:15
  #11777 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 16th May 2018, 07:04
  #11778 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 913
I have created a new fragrance based on holy water.

I'm calling it, "Eau my God"!
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Old 16th May 2018, 08:07
  #11779 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 56
I mixed Magnesium with Oxygen and thought OMg.
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Old 16th May 2018, 09:15
  #11780 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
Subject: wife

Text to neighbor:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard

Neighbour’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

Regards, Richard
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