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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 27th Apr 2018, 09:36
  #11721 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
I have a speed bump phobia.

But I'm slowly getting over it.
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Old 27th Apr 2018, 15:13
  #11722 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 36
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Old 27th Apr 2018, 23:15
  #11723 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
Originally Posted by racedo View Post
Doubly F*****d if she calls your mate and suggests he comes around as you are not home.
I seem to recall a cartoon of a man and woman in bed, and the woman is putting the bedside phone down and saying to the man "That was my husband, apparently he is with you working late on a really tough assignment so we've got plenty of time......."
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Old 28th Apr 2018, 06:14
  #11724 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: NZ
Age: 67
Posts: 187
Fark'n'ell is online now  
Old 28th Apr 2018, 15:35
  #11725 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
Practicing for world domination!!!

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Old 29th Apr 2018, 04:51
  #11726 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 157
Talking Woman hides loaded gun in her vagina

Something definitely smells fishy about this story. There's got to be lines about firing blanks, going off half-cocked and accidental discharges here

It was during this search that a female member of staff recovered a loaded Kimber .380 caliber handgun from Witt’s vagina. Police said that it had a bullet in the chamber.

Read more: Woman forced loaded gun into her vagina to hide it from police Metro News

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MetroUK Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MetroUK/
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Old 29th Apr 2018, 08:25
  #11727 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles??
Were YOU advised to walk 500 more??

You could be entitled to compensation.
Call Pro Claimers now.
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Old 29th Apr 2018, 09:26
  #11728 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
I seem to have memories of a Peter Sellars film the fiendish plot of Dr Fu Manchu. In it he plays Fu Manchu, an elderly oriental gentleman. It's set in Victorian times, and at one point he has attracted the attention of a female member of Scotland yard. Somehow he wins her over with his charms, and she is seen to be stripping off her clothes for him. You see her down to her underwear, then the camera cuts to Fu Manchu. Suddenly a bare female hand and arm extends into shot and hands him a standard issue police truncheon. Fum Manchu takes it and states "Aaagh, its still warm......"
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Old 29th Apr 2018, 21:45
  #11729 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Yes.
Posts: 224
Sailor.

A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Thames. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry."
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Old 30th Apr 2018, 15:17
  #11730 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 79
Posts: 1,136
Squirrels In Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures; so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

Last edited by Turbine D; 30th Apr 2018 at 15:18. Reason: wording
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Old 1st May 2018, 05:24
  #11731 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
Age: 72
Posts: 672
Sad News!
Yesterday, the man who invented predictive text has pissed away.
His funfair will be next monkey.
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Old 1st May 2018, 08:15
  #11732 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
There is an African tribe called the "Wuntu Wuntu".

Most of them get jobs as rock band roadies.
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Old 2nd May 2018, 12:49
  #11733 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
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Old 2nd May 2018, 15:14
  #11734 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
How the other half live

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Old 3rd May 2018, 20:50
  #11735 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
Posts: 94
A lorry crashed into a toll booth at the Dartford Crossing. A team of workers turned up and they picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it and stuck it back together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the lorry driver to the workers. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
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Old 3rd May 2018, 22:53
  #11736 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Cambridge, England, EU
Posts: 3,405
"Can you recommend a GDPR expert?"
"Yes."

"Can I have their email address?"
"No."
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Old 4th May 2018, 13:15
  #11737 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Denmark
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
How the other half live
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Old 5th May 2018, 18:03
  #11738 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
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Old 5th May 2018, 19:42
  #11739 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Cambridge, England, EU
Posts: 3,405
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
Voice from the back of the car, as a looong journey continued into the night:

"Mummy Daddy make the all dark go away."
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Old 6th May 2018, 06:42
  #11740 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
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