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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 15th Apr 2018, 20:10
  #11681 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 75
Posts: 803
The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”...
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can s...ee that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: “Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: “Can you see his feet?”
Me: “Yes, I can!”
Her: “Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”
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Old 16th Apr 2018, 04:10
  #11682 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 75
Posts: 803
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Old 16th Apr 2018, 13:09
  #11683 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 884
The Pope has announced that he will not pass judgement on priests who come out as gay.

In response, gay priests have said that they will not criticise the Pope for wearing mismatched robes and shoes.
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Old 17th Apr 2018, 07:00
  #11684 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 884
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Old 17th Apr 2018, 17:18
  #11685 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 989
Golf Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
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Old 20th Apr 2018, 03:47
  #11686 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Oz
Age: 56
Posts: 3
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Old 20th Apr 2018, 11:00
  #11687 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 884
When Bagpuss goes to sleep, all his friends go to sleep too.

It was a grim day at the veterinary surgery!
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Old 22nd Apr 2018, 20:03
  #11688 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 75
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Old 22nd Apr 2018, 22:53
  #11689 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 75
Posts: 803
Long after the Ark had landed and Noah had told all the animals to go forth and multiply, he decided to venture out into the world and see how all of the animals were doing. He saw all of the animals were thriving...except one pair of snakes, who had not yet reproduced. Noah asked them what was wrong, and the snakes asked Noah to cut down a tree and chop it into sections. Confused, Noah did so, and went away.
He returned several weeks later to find the snakes with several little snakelets. Still confused, Noah asked the snakes, "Why did you need me to cut down a tree for you to reproduce?" The snakes replied, "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."
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Old 23rd Apr 2018, 08:50
  #11690 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 75
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Old 23rd Apr 2018, 14:51
  #11691 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 884
Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice
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Old 23rd Apr 2018, 17:04
  #11692 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,770
😓 A Sad Obituary in Scotland 😓

A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once , so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Gazette and says , 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband ..'

The man at the desk says , 'OK, how much money dae ye have ...?'

The old woman replies , '£5' to which the man says , 'Ye won't get many words for that Mrs , but write something and we'll see if it's ok ..'

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter ..

The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Peterheid is deid ..'

He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things , saying, 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer yer money ..'

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again ..

The man then reads - 'Peter Reid, fae Peterheid is deid .. Ford Escort for sale ....'
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 06:05
  #11693 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 75
Posts: 803
At a country dance, a young couple were pressed together, dancing cheek to cheek. She whispered in his ear, "Let's go outside, to your car".
He declined, saying the tune being played was one of his favourite songs. However, she persisted and pleaded with him to go outside to his car.
He finally agreed. Once they got outside it was pitch black so he produced a torch from his pocket to light the way.
She said, with disappointment in her voice, "Have you had that torch in your pocket all night?"
"Yes", he said.
"Well, let's go back inside, then"
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 10:07
  #11694 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 55
Posts: 5,297
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 13:07
  #11695 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 59
Posts: 327
Someone had to suggest it.......
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 14:10
  #11696 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 59
Posts: 5,292
Tezzer, where's the joke? This might fit better in the UK politics hamsterwheel?
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 15:33
  #11697 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,003
Tezzer, where's the joke? This might fit better in the UK politics hamsterwheel?
I thought it was funny as hell, with the look on the face of the dad
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 16:36
  #11698 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Green and pleasant land
Posts: 656
Originally Posted by tezzer View Post
Someone had to suggest it.......
PMSL .. Look closer at the pic some of you ..
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 16:44
  #11699 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 312
That is really, really nasty - loved it!
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 16:47
  #11700 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South of Old Warden
Age: 82
Posts: 1,380
Cheap jibe!
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