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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 8th Apr 2018, 13:57
  #11641 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: australia
Posts: 21
Two retired gents at the bar, discussing nothing in particular. One says to the other, " I was watching telly the other day, did you know that lions have sex three times a day!"
All of a sudden his pal starts crying into his beer.
"What on earth is the matter?"
".....oh it's nothing, it's just the other day I joined rotary.."
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Old 8th Apr 2018, 14:15
  #11642 (permalink)  
 
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At last, a recipe that I can follow!

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef

1 large roast of beef
1 small roast of beef

Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.
When the little one burns, the big one is done.
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Old 8th Apr 2018, 17:02
  #11643 (permalink)  
 
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Old 8th Apr 2018, 17:34
  #11644 (permalink)  
 
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I was going to tell a joke about the number 288, but I can't.

It's too gross.
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Old 9th Apr 2018, 15:01
  #11645 (permalink)  
 
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Old 9th Apr 2018, 18:19
  #11646 (permalink)  
 
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Old 9th Apr 2018, 21:27
  #11647 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
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Ricardian

Why are that man's feet facing the wrong way?
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Old 10th Apr 2018, 00:20
  #11648 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 10th Apr 2018, 00:21
  #11649 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by Airclues View Post
Ricardian
Why are that man's feet facing the wrong way?
He probably got out of bed on the wrong side
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Old 10th Apr 2018, 07:36
  #11650 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
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Two cannibals are at an athletics event and after watching a few races one says to the other, "Fancy something to eat?"

"I'm not too hungry"
replies the other, "I'll just have the starter".
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Old 10th Apr 2018, 09:54
  #11651 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
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Update of an old one...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a university in Moscow to have a chat with the students.
He talks to them about how powerful a nation Russia is and how he wants the best for all the people.At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.

Sasha puts her hand up and says:"I have two questions.

Why did the Russians take Crimea ? and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?”

Putin says:"Good question".But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the students go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says:

"I have four questions”"My Questions are –

Why did the Russians invade Crimea ? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early?---------------------------------------And where is Sasha?".
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Old 11th Apr 2018, 08:11
  #11652 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
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When they said he had Piles, I thought they meant Dollars....

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Old 11th Apr 2018, 08:53
  #11653 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: South Gloucestershire
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Originally Posted by Airclues View Post
Ricardian

Why are that man's feet facing the wrong way?
I think he's like the rest of us blokes when we're out shopping with the "better half"; doesn't know if he's coming or going.
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Old 11th Apr 2018, 12:27
  #11654 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
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Yulia Skripal was discharged from hospital the other day so I invited her out for a drink to help her take her mind off her ordeal, but unfortunately she stormed out after five minutes.
Maybe "whats your poison" wasn't the best opening line!
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Old 12th Apr 2018, 04:11
  #11655 (permalink)  
 
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Old 12th Apr 2018, 13:52
  #11656 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
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I've just tried some of the Elvis Costello's new mediterranean sausages.
They were wonderful.
I think olive salami is here to stay.
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Old 12th Apr 2018, 14:10
  #11657 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hundred Acre Wood
Posts: 250
That's the wurst sausage joke Ive ever heard.

Last edited by Doug E Style; 13th Apr 2018 at 06:35.
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Old 12th Apr 2018, 14:28
  #11658 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 55
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Don't knock it you brat!
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Old 12th Apr 2018, 18:01
  #11659 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: uk
Posts: 737
Oooo, give over, you saucy son of a soberer sad ass.
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Old 12th Apr 2018, 18:03
  #11660 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
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Originally Posted by Doug E Style View Post
That's the wurst sausage joke Ive ever heard.
Stop telling porkies.
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