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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 9th Mar 2018, 15:15
  #11521 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 55
Posts: 19
Dave stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Dave replies: "In the car."

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.
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Old 9th Mar 2018, 17:47
  #11522 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts.. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that
he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.

Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."

"I know." the man said.. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer .....She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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Old 9th Mar 2018, 20:25
  #11523 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets 3" taller.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Three. The rest are true stories.
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Old 9th Mar 2018, 21:00
  #11524 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 806
The dreaded typo!

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Old 10th Mar 2018, 15:34
  #11525 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 895
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Old 10th Mar 2018, 22:07
  #11526 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 806
Teacher asks the class to explain how technology has changed over the past 20 years.
Claire says "My mum has a phone that can take and send pictures".
Brian says "My brother has a doorbell that shows him who is at his door and he can see it on his phone".
Then Little Johnny says "My dad has a bracelet that tells the police if he leaves the house."
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Old 10th Mar 2018, 23:11
  #11527 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: North by Northwest
Posts: 345
Meat & Potatoes
kc.jpg

sign14.jpg
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Old 11th Mar 2018, 03:32
  #11528 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
Age: 85
Posts: 12
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
Q. What have you got if you have 40 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean ?

A. A good start.
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Old 11th Mar 2018, 05:23
  #11529 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 603
Long joke about the Pope and his legal secretary who are killed in the Pontiff's Vatican train crash.


At the Pearly Gates, they are welcomed into heaven. Taken to a huge glistening palace, the Pope is shown into a tiny whitewashed room. The lawyer on the other hand is ushered into a massive furnished suite halfway down a magnificent carpeted corridor. "How come?" asks the lawyer, somewhat bewildered. "Oh" says St Peter, "Heaven is stuffed with Popes and we are running out of rooms, but you are the first lawyer we've ever had up here."
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Old 11th Mar 2018, 12:22
  #11530 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
Originally Posted by ExSp33db1rd View Post
Q. What have you got if you have 40 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean ?

A. A good start.
A lady gets married and goes in for her first gynecological exam.

The doctor asks, "So what kind of birth control are you using?"

The lady says, "Oh, I don't need to worry about that; we just have anal sex."

The doctor says, "Whoa, you can't have that attitude. You still need birth control with anal sex."

The lady says, "Look, I know I'm not a doctor, but I know enough about human anatomy and reproduction to know I don't need birth control for THAT!"

So the doctor says, "Sure you do; where do you think all the lawyers come from?"
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Old 11th Mar 2018, 15:46
  #11531 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: North by Northwest
Posts: 345
Should be standard hotel room.
bar.jpeg
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Old 11th Mar 2018, 15:48
  #11532 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: North by Northwest
Posts: 345
Getting old
incontinence.JPG
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Old 11th Mar 2018, 20:46
  #11533 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 55
Posts: 19
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
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Old 11th Mar 2018, 22:07
  #11534 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
The wife is threatening to throw me out due to my obsession with Only Fools and Horses.

Guess I better get the suitcase from the van.
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Old 12th Mar 2018, 09:43
  #11535 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
I see that after 40 years Ken Dodd married his sweetheart last Friday and he was dead by Sunday.

I knew marriage was bad for you
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Old 13th Mar 2018, 09:00
  #11536 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
Couldn't sleep last night because my neighbour kept singing 'Stand and Deliver' then 'Prince Charming', over and over again.
No matter how many times I begged him to stop, he continued.

I guess he was AdamAnt.
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Old 13th Mar 2018, 09:06
  #11537 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
I have kleptomania.

When it gets really bad I have to take something for it.
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Old 13th Mar 2018, 10:44
  #11538 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 806
ricardian is offline  
Old 13th Mar 2018, 21:41
  #11539 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 315
A friend of mine used to have nightmares about being run over by a train.

But when it happened for real he was chuffed to bits.
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Old 14th Mar 2018, 07:47
  #11540 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 59
Posts: 328
Has anyone tried switching Steven Hawking off and switching him back on again ?
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