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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 21st Feb 2018, 15:51
  #11461 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
The defence cuts are really starting to bite now


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Old 21st Feb 2018, 17:33
  #11462 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 35
an electric primer as well....USCG in action!
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Old 22nd Feb 2018, 09:46
  #11463 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 993
A man called his boss and told him he had a migraine and a terrible cold
as well and he would have to miss a day of work.
The boss, who was very interested in meeting his quarterly performance figures, pushed him to come in despite his condition. "Here's what I always do ", he said to his
employee. " I head home and have my wife run me a bath and make it as
hot as I can stand it, I get in and she will gently wash me with a
sponge as I sip green tea. Once she finishes, then I take her into the bedroom and we make love. After that, I feel like a million bucks!"
Keeping an open mind and willing to experiment, the employee replied, "Okay, I'll give it a try"!
A few hours later, after lunch the employee arrives back at work. The boss went over to his desk and said, "See, I told you, it really works!"
The employee replied, "You were right boss. I can hardly believe it! Oh by the way, you have a beautiful house!
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Old 22nd Feb 2018, 11:38
  #11464 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 79
Posts: 110
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Old 23rd Feb 2018, 15:10
  #11465 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by PDR1 View Post
I wonder if these two are related:

Iceland To Become First European Country To Ban Male Circumcision



Are the other supermarkets likely to follow suit? How do they propose to enforce it?

PDR
How is this going to work, given that they all advertise price cuts?
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Old 23rd Feb 2018, 15:13
  #11466 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
Something else for the Chemtrail and the Flat Earth people to worry about

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Old 24th Feb 2018, 04:11
  #11467 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726


The Cat Earth Society.
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Old 25th Feb 2018, 11:09
  #11468 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
One of our local librarians died the other day.

As a mark of respect, everyone stood among the bookshelves and held a minutes noise.
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Old 25th Feb 2018, 11:27
  #11469 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
A tourist is visiting Antarctica and asks the tour guide why some penguins are white and others are black?

"Well ma'am" he replies, "the white ones always look towards you but the black ones are shy and turn their backs".
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Old 25th Feb 2018, 12:15
  #11470 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
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Old 25th Feb 2018, 15:44
  #11471 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 993
"Dad there is something my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

FATHER'S RESPONSE
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
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Old 26th Feb 2018, 06:55
  #11472 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
Inglesh langwidge roolz.

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Old 26th Feb 2018, 15:43
  #11473 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
A picture speaks a thousand words.

IMG_0806.JPG
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Old 26th Feb 2018, 15:58
  #11474 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 318
Originally Posted by llondel View Post


The Cat Earth Society.
But it's not using a merCATor projection!
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Old 27th Feb 2018, 02:43
  #11475 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
Two men have been ice fishing all day. One has had no luck while the other has pulled out a ton of fish.
“What’s your secret?” asks the unlucky fisherman.
“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply.
“I’m sorry; what did you say?”
“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm.”
“I still didn’t understand you.”
The lucky fisherman spits something into his hand and says slowly and clearly,
“You’ve got to keep your worms warm.”
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Old 27th Feb 2018, 15:35
  #11476 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 993
A wife came home late at night and quietly opened the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she saw four legs instead of two. Feeling betrayed that her husband had cheated on her she reached for a baseball bat and started hitting the blanket as hard as she could.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she went to the kitchen to pour herself a large drink and found her husband there, reading a magazine.
He said, "Hi Darling, your parents have come to visit, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'Hello'?"
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Old 27th Feb 2018, 22:14
  #11477 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 55
Posts: 19
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
(Wait for it....)

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald duck!”
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Old 28th Feb 2018, 00:56
  #11478 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 28th Feb 2018, 09:54
  #11479 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 993
Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
“Your Queenship,” he asked her, “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” replied Her Majesty, “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Trump frowned. “But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?” he asked.

“Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied, “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here.”

The Prime Minister walked into the room. “You called for me, Your Majesty?”
“Answer me this, if you would, Theresa,” the Queen said.
“Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him. Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.

“Mike, answer this for me,” said Donald.
“Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”

“I'm not sure,” said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.”

Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.

The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.

“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me.”

“Sure, Mike,” Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”

“Thanks,” said Pence, “It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!”

Pence smiled, “Thanks!”

Pence then went back to speak with Trump.
“Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. “No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!”
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Old 28th Feb 2018, 11:20
  #11480 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 55
Posts: 19
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging. – Took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.
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