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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 9th Feb 2018, 09:04
  #11401 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
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Old 9th Feb 2018, 13:24
  #11402 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
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Old 9th Feb 2018, 17:38
  #11403 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 989
A catholic boy goes to confession & admits to the Priest that he had slept with a girl. The Priest said he can’t be forgiven until he reveals the identity of the girl.

The boy say’s ‘Sorry Father but I promised not to tell’.

‘Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter’.

‘No Father & I wont tell’

‘Was it Mary Patricia, the butchers daughter’, the Priest asks.

‘No’, said the boy.

‘Was it Mary Francis, the bakers daughter’.

‘No, I can’t tell’ said the boy.

‘Well son’, says the Priest, ‘I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months’.

Outside the Church the boy’s friends ask what happened.

‘Well’, he said, ‘I got banned for six months, but we got Three good leads’.
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Old 9th Feb 2018, 19:00
  #11404 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 9th Feb 2018, 19:23
  #11405 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
Age: 80
Posts: 39
R
Think I have told this true story before, but anyway:-
Was working in the USofA one Halloween, and thought I would wind up the native engineers a bit, so I mentioned that my secretary could go out any time and get herself a new vehicle on petty cash. When I explained that a broom was well within petty cash limits, they said they sure hoped she never found out what I had said about her. Just then, an update arrived by fax, and totally unprompted she had signed it "The Witch of the North"
Told you, I said.
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Old 9th Feb 2018, 20:57
  #11406 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 10th Feb 2018, 08:32
  #11407 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Currently in Russia
Posts: 4
Old people at weddings always poke me and say ''you're the next''.
So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Old 10th Feb 2018, 09:29
  #11408 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
Following on from Ricardian:

An occasionally heard comment in some offices "If all the managers here were laid end to end they still couldn't reach a decision...."
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Old 10th Feb 2018, 10:56
  #11409 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 315
Originally Posted by Ogre View Post
Following on from Ricardian:

An occasionally heard comment in some offices "If all the managers here were laid end to end they still couldn't reach a decision...."
The version I heard was
"If all the lawyers in the world were laid end to end around the equator - wouldn't that be a jolly good thing!"
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Old 10th Feb 2018, 11:34
  #11410 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 342
Originally Posted by Ogre View Post
Following on from Ricardian:
From the archives:
If all the cars and lorries in Great Britain were put end to end, the horse and cart in front would still hug the crown of the road . . .
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Old 10th Feb 2018, 12:50
  #11411 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
Posts: 43
If all the girls in Hastings were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.
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Old 10th Feb 2018, 21:46
  #11412 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 11th Feb 2018, 17:35
  #11413 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,179
TANDORIAN RHAPSODY

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.

Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh

This doopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
...guitar solo...
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)

I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again (There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me.. poor me...poor meee!

...guitar solo...

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, But now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.

...guitar solo...slow bit...

Korma, sag or bhuna
bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
Anyway, the wind blows....shshshsh
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Old 12th Feb 2018, 23:22
  #11414 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broken."
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Old 13th Feb 2018, 09:44
  #11415 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
How do I stop my dog from digging in the garden?



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Old 13th Feb 2018, 11:42
  #11416 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
It's pancake day and as always my wife has made them too thin.

I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.
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Old 13th Feb 2018, 15:02
  #11417 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 13th Feb 2018, 17:04
  #11418 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 36
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Old 14th Feb 2018, 09:19
  #11419 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
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Old 14th Feb 2018, 10:11
  #11420 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
Someone forgot todays date....

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