Friday Jokes
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hotel Sheets, Downtown Plunketville
Age: 72
Posts: 0
History may not remember him, but his sacrifice lives in us all. We are forever indebted to him, for without his sacrifice we would not have learned it takes two dips of a tea bag to make a decent cuppa. Milk first and sugar last.
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Doubledecker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole', she said.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts', he replied.
He touched her creme eggs and put his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her flapjacks and she rubbed his tic tacs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre.
But 3 days later his Sherbert Dibdab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got ****in Allsorts.
He asked her name 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole', she said.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts', he replied.
He touched her creme eggs and put his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her flapjacks and she rubbed his tic tacs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre.
But 3 days later his Sherbert Dibdab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got ****in Allsorts.
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,204
I went to my weekly premature ejaculation support group - turns out it's tomorrow...
As a family we couldn't decide whether to have granny buried or cremated, so in the end we let her live.
Last week I accidentally filled the escort with diesel. She died.
I thought PPI was a condition you got if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.
PDR
As a family we couldn't decide whether to have granny buried or cremated, so in the end we let her live.
Last week I accidentally filled the escort with diesel. She died.
I thought PPI was a condition you got if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.
PDR
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: All over the Planet
Posts: 761
This is very Australian!
A young bloke out on the Darling Downs was taking his fiancee on a drive along the Warrego Highway in the direction of Miles. When he picked her he noticed that she was wearing a very short skirt. Just before Miles he rested his hand on her knee. Looking at him with a very knowing smile, she coeed 'You can go further if you like.' So he did, and drove on to Longreach.
A young bloke out on the Darling Downs was taking his fiancee on a drive along the Warrego Highway in the direction of Miles. When he picked her he noticed that she was wearing a very short skirt. Just before Miles he rested his hand on her knee. Looking at him with a very knowing smile, she coeed 'You can go further if you like.' So he did, and drove on to Longreach.
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
Charlton Heston and his wife were guests on the Johnny Carson show talking about their longstanding marriage, which, at the time was 50 years, uncharacteristically long for Hollywood. Not unlike most couples, they got through some difficult times. Johnny asked Charlton's wife, Lydia, if she ever considered divorcing him?
She replied, "Divorce? Never. Murder? Maybe!"
She replied, "Divorce? Never. Murder? Maybe!"
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 898
A teacher was trying to wean her pupils off baby speak and to use adult words instead.
She asked little Johnny what he had done at the weekend.
“I went to visit Nana” said Johnny.
“No” said the teacher, “you went to see your Grandmother”.
She then asked Linda what she had done.
“We went for a ride on a Choo-choo” said Linda.
“Wrong” said the teacher, “you went for a ride on a Train”.
It was Davids turn and teacher asked him the same question.
“I read a book” said David.
“And what book was that?” said the teacher.
Thinking for a moment, David puffed out his chest and proudly said, “Winnie the Shit”.
She asked little Johnny what he had done at the weekend.
“I went to visit Nana” said Johnny.
“No” said the teacher, “you went to see your Grandmother”.
She then asked Linda what she had done.
“We went for a ride on a Choo-choo” said Linda.
“Wrong” said the teacher, “you went for a ride on a Train”.
It was Davids turn and teacher asked him the same question.
“I read a book” said David.
“And what book was that?” said the teacher.
Thinking for a moment, David puffed out his chest and proudly said, “Winnie the Shit”.
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
Horse is in the pub having a few, spots a donkey in the corner. So he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living?"
Horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter".
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach. Did you win anything?"
Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy, he's done everything". So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
Horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here, who's that in the picture on the wall?"
Donkey replies "Oh, that's me when I played for Newcastle United."
Horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter".
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach. Did you win anything?"
Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy, he's done everything". So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
Horse arrives and says "Lovely place you have here, who's that in the picture on the wall?"
Donkey replies "Oh, that's me when I played for Newcastle United."
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
When the recently married girl phoned her parents and said that her husband had the 'flu her father said "Have you tried euthanasia?"
In the background her mother yelled "For the last time Harry, it's echinacea!"
In the background her mother yelled "For the last time Harry, it's echinacea!"
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
Farmer John is sawing some wood in his barn when a neighbor stops by with some soup and flowers.
"This is from the missus for your Margie"
"Aya"
"She still ailing pretty poorly then?"
"Aya"
"Is that her coughin'?"
"Nope. Buildin' a henhouse"
"This is from the missus for your Margie"
"Aya"
"She still ailing pretty poorly then?"
"Aya"
"Is that her coughin'?"
"Nope. Buildin' a henhouse"
