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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

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Old 26th Jan 2018, 15:26
  #11341 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
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Old 26th Jan 2018, 15:44
  #11342 (permalink)  
 
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Morning

As I walked through the churchyard today I saw someone crouched by a grave.

"Morning" I said.

"No" he replied. "I'm having a dump"
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Old 26th Jan 2018, 16:55
  #11343 (permalink)  
 
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The father of the bride to be was discussing requirements with the photographer.
'' Would you like one of the couple mounted?'' the photographer enquired
'' No, just holding hands will be fine'' the father hastily replied.
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Old 26th Jan 2018, 17:09
  #11344 (permalink)  
 
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There is a new golf term in Scotland - a "Nicola Sturgeon" - it's a nasty wee five footer.
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Old 26th Jan 2018, 21:55
  #11345 (permalink)  
 
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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got caught in a blizzard. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her father's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plough to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plough went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plough she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plough stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window.
The snow plough driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her father's advice to follow a snow plough when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Tesco car park and was going over to B & Q
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Old 27th Jan 2018, 08:56
  #11346 (permalink)  
 
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There is a new golf term in Scotland - a "Nicola Sturgeon" - it's a nasty wee five footer.

With a left to right borrow, tightening at the hole.
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Old 27th Jan 2018, 09:22
  #11347 (permalink)  
 
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What do you get if you serve black pudding to your British guests?
(Answer needs highlighting below)
A full English Brexit
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Old 27th Jan 2018, 09:50
  #11348 (permalink)  
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An American, a Brit, and a German were talking about driving.

"What happens if you are caughgt driving without a licence in US?"

"Oh, maybe pulled over and lectured, may be a fine, how about you?"

"In England you would get a fine and points on your licence and even a ban."

They turned to the German and asked him.

"In Germany you cannot drive without a licence."

"But if you do?"

"No, no, in Germany you cannot drive wuthout a licence."
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Old 27th Jan 2018, 13:15
  #11349 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by Gargleblaster View Post
Since there aleady is some repetitiveness here, here is what find one of the best jokes ever due to it's brevity and surprise:

I spent some time at my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pond.
Today I'm going on a pleasure trip.

I'm taking my mother-in-law to the airport!

[ Credit: Rodney Dangerfield ]
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Old 28th Jan 2018, 14:16
  #11350 (permalink)  
 
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A little more research & testing needed?



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Old 28th Jan 2018, 14:23
  #11351 (permalink)  
 
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Old 28th Jan 2018, 15:43
  #11352 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by ElectroVlasic View Post
Today I'm going on a pleasure trip.

I'm taking my mother-in-law to the airport!
Not a joke, but that reminds me of the recent news item where a woman took her elderly mother out from her nursing home, telling the staff that she was taking mum on holiday.

What she didn't tell the nursing home staff was that their destination was the Dignitas euthanasia clinic in Switzerland!
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Old 29th Jan 2018, 01:29
  #11353 (permalink)  
 
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Talking mars bar

A couple's only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8 -year old son in the flat, was to send him out on the
balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the
street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put
their plan into operation;

‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.


‘An ambulance just drove past’


‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.


‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’


‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’


‘Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,


‘The Coopers are having a shag!

Startled, his Mum and Dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.’
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Old 29th Jan 2018, 07:15
  #11354 (permalink)  
 
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Too soon ?
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Old 29th Jan 2018, 10:09
  #11355 (permalink)  
 
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A couple to add to westofEMA

Add these ones for a full list:

A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another (a contemporary Adolf Hitler)
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out
An 'Elephant Ass' - it's high and it stinks
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a bit too far right
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - way too far left
A 'Barbra Streisand' - ugly, but still working
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees
A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank.
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole
A Michael J Fox – A little shaky but still in the game
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Old 30th Jan 2018, 10:00
  #11356 (permalink)  
 
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Dyslexic Cinderella.
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters they lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors ,and emptying poss pits and shivelling shot, at the end of the day she was nucking fackered, the sugly isters were right bugly astards. one was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swollocks.they were really forrible huckers ,, they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies,,the sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts would not let Rinderella go to the ball, suddenly there was a bucking big fang and her gairy fodmother appeared,,her name was shairy hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian,, she turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkies with buge hollocks and dig bicks. the gairy fodmother told rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falaminity.at the ball rinderella was dancing with the prandsome hince when the suddenly the clock struck twelve, miste all chrucking fighty said rinderella and ran out, tripping up going tarse over its, she lost one of her glass slippers,,the very next day the pransome hince knocked on the door of rinderellas home,the sugly sisters let him in, suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. whos fust jarted ? said the pransome hince, blame that fugly hucker over there said Mairy Hinge, when the stinking brown cloud had lifted he tried the slipper on both sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk, Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the hince a nick in the kackers this was not difficult as he had a bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on, he tried the slipper on rinderella and it fitted pucking perfectly,, the hince and rinderella were married he lived the his life in lucking fuxury and rinderella lived hers with a follen swanny,and they all lived happily ever after,,,,,,,,, right theres your bed time story now off you go to bed,,,
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Old 30th Jan 2018, 10:30
  #11357 (permalink)  
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Nice one Linedog, the late, great Ronnie Barker at his absolute best.
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Old 30th Jan 2018, 16:26
  #11358 (permalink)  
 
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Just found a penguin skeleton at the side of the road. Poor little fella.

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Old 30th Jan 2018, 16:49
  #11359 (permalink)  
 
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Old 30th Jan 2018, 18:35
  #11360 (permalink)  
 
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"Necessity is the mother of Invention".

Those chavs give themselves stupid names!
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