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Friday Jokes

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Old 29th Jan 2018, 10:09
  #11341 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 2
A couple to add to westofEMA

Add these ones for a full list:

A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another (a contemporary Adolf Hitler)
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out
An 'Elephant Ass' - it's high and it stinks
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a bit too far right
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - way too far left
A 'Barbra Streisand' - ugly, but still working
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees
A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank.
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole
A Michael J Fox A little shaky but still in the game
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Old 30th Jan 2018, 10:00
  #11342 (permalink)  
 
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Dyslexic Cinderella.
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters they lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors ,and emptying poss pits and shivelling shot, at the end of the day she was nucking fackered, the sugly isters were right bugly astards. one was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swollocks.they were really forrible huckers ,, they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies,,the sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts would not let Rinderella go to the ball, suddenly there was a bucking big fang and her gairy fodmother appeared,,her name was shairy hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian,, she turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkies with buge hollocks and dig bicks. the gairy fodmother told rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falaminity.at the ball rinderella was dancing with the prandsome hince when the suddenly the clock struck twelve, miste all chrucking fighty said rinderella and ran out, tripping up going tarse over its, she lost one of her glass slippers,,the very next day the pransome hince knocked on the door of rinderellas home,the sugly sisters let him in, suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. whos fust jarted ? said the pransome hince, blame that fugly hucker over there said Mairy Hinge, when the stinking brown cloud had lifted he tried the slipper on both sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk, Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the hince a nick in the kackers this was not difficult as he had a bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on, he tried the slipper on rinderella and it fitted pucking perfectly,, the hince and rinderella were married he lived the his life in lucking fuxury and rinderella lived hers with a follen swanny,and they all lived happily ever after,,,,,,,,, right theres your bed time story now off you go to bed,,,
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Old 30th Jan 2018, 10:30
  #11343 (permalink)  
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Nice one Linedog, the late, great Ronnie Barker at his absolute best.
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Old 30th Jan 2018, 16:26
  #11344 (permalink)  
 
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Just found a penguin skeleton at the side of the road. Poor little fella.

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Old 30th Jan 2018, 16:49
  #11345 (permalink)  
 
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Old 30th Jan 2018, 18:35
  #11346 (permalink)  
 
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"Necessity is the mother of Invention".

Those chavs give themselves stupid names!
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Old 30th Jan 2018, 18:36
  #11347 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
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I see the founder of IKEA has died.


Flat pack coffin
Screws
Allen key


This joke takes a little assembling.
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Old 30th Jan 2018, 20:27
  #11348 (permalink)  
 
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Old 30th Jan 2018, 20:42
  #11349 (permalink)  
 
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Simon Evans is brilliantly funny!

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Old 31st Jan 2018, 01:43
  #11350 (permalink)  
 
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I can't help thinking wouldn't it be easier for all concerned , not to mention the likely chance of their imprisonment or death , if hijackers booked their flights to the correct destination in the first place ?
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Old 31st Jan 2018, 09:48
  #11351 (permalink)  
 
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Old 1st Feb 2018, 09:23
  #11352 (permalink)  

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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a homeless man who asked him for 10 for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten Pounds and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"No way !" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years !"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower, change of clothes & a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that ?"

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what could happen to a man after he has given up drinking & golf."
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Old 1st Feb 2018, 19:32
  #11353 (permalink)  
 
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Old 1st Feb 2018, 20:49
  #11354 (permalink)  
 
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Old 2nd Feb 2018, 07:39
  #11355 (permalink)  
 
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Awesome. Does it have the national flag imprinted on the lighter? Can you actually buy a German one?
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Old 2nd Feb 2018, 07:55
  #11356 (permalink)  
 
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But of course, my friend. It is very popular in Argentina and Paraguay.......
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Old 2nd Feb 2018, 08:47
  #11357 (permalink)  
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Presumably used by Uber (alles) drivers
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Old 2nd Feb 2018, 11:11
  #11358 (permalink)  
 
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Old 2nd Feb 2018, 11:38
  #11359 (permalink)  
 
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That German one is a little over the top.
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Old 2nd Feb 2018, 11:51
  #11360 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by ExXB View Post
That German one is a little over the top.
I agree with you.
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