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Old 12th Jan 2018, 17:40   #11321 (permalink)
Stargazing
 
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Love that Engineering Flowchart, HEMS!
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Old 12th Jan 2018, 17:52   #11322 (permalink)
 
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A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctor.
“Doctor, I don’t feel too good,” said the little paper bag.
“Hmm, you look OK to me,” said the Doctor, “But I‘ll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days.”
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
“What’s wrong with me ?” asked the little paper bag.
“I‘m afraid you are HIV positive!” said the doctor.
“No, I can’t be – I’m just a little paper bag !” Said the little paper bag.
“Have you been having unprotected sex ?”asked the doctor.
“NO - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users ?” asked the doctor.
“NO - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion ?” queried the doctor.
“NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Well”, said the doctor, “Are you in a Sexual Relationship ?”
“NO ! - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!”
“Then there can be only one explanation.” said the doctor...
This is good - wait for it .... ... .... ..... ...
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“Your mother must have been a carrier!”
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Old 14th Jan 2018, 12:27   #11323 (permalink)
 
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Old 14th Jan 2018, 20:34   #11324 (permalink)
 
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If the popular vote had been used in GWB's 1st term election would he have been 'Gored?'
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Old 15th Jan 2018, 13:11   #11325 (permalink)
 
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Two old drunks sitting at a bar one night,
First drunk- You know, when I was 30 and got a hard on, I couldn`t bend it with both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it around ten degrees if I tried really hard, and when I was 50 I could bend it around twenty degrees no problem. I`m going to be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.
Second drunk- So just what is your point?
First drunk- Well I`m just wondering how much stronger I`m going to get.
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Old 15th Jan 2018, 14:33   #11326 (permalink)

Nigerian In Law
 
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Three men are sitting stiffly, side by side, on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has levelled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, Royal Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, Fleet Air Arm, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the centre seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Petty Officer, Royal Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
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Old 15th Jan 2018, 15:23   #11327 (permalink)
 
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A friend of mine was doing switchboard duty at the South African navy HQ in the 1970s. During a busy period, someone came on to the switchboard, demanding a line and identifying himself as "The Chief". My pal assumed he meant Chief Petty Officer and said you'll have to hang on a tick Chief, there's a pig on the line. Of course, the Chief was the Chief of the Navy! (pig, incidentally, was RN slang for an officer).
There was a lot of shouting afterwards!
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Old 15th Jan 2018, 15:57   #11328 (permalink)

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Officer: "Private, do you have change for £10?"
Soldier: "Sure, mate."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!
Do you have change for £10?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
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Old 15th Jan 2018, 17:21   #11329 (permalink)

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During training exercises, a Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered a jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Certainly not," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
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Old 16th Jan 2018, 12:32   #11330 (permalink)

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A Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barber’s. They were both just getting to the end of their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a brothel !"

The Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
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Old 17th Jan 2018, 13:29   #11331 (permalink)
 
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Old 17th Jan 2018, 13:46   #11332 (permalink)
 
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Ricardian, this is meant to be a jokes thread. Why are you posting documentary clips?
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Old 17th Jan 2018, 14:53   #11333 (permalink)
 
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Jesus ricardian!

I'm sure she came here for an interview. That video brings back dreadful memories. I gave up on the interview and asked her to leave, at which point she started to claim her rights and that she had been dealt with unfairly.

A strong letter was sent to her parents and school advising them not to let her out unsupervised!

Three years later I believe she is working in a bar, but next year will be running the IMF.

SND
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Old 17th Jan 2018, 15:34   #11334 (permalink)

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Lawyers

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from
the city's most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that
even though your annual income is
over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't
you like to give something back to
your community?.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also
show you that my mother is dying
after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are
far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled
Veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died
in a dreadful car accident, leaving
her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is
disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd give any to you?
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Old 17th Jan 2018, 16:08   #11335 (permalink)
 
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Old 17th Jan 2018, 16:35   #11336 (permalink)
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Nice one Siti!

Specsavers driver crashes into Liverpool lamppost - BBC News

I wonder if they'll use that in an ad...
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Old 17th Jan 2018, 18:24   #11337 (permalink)
 
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Going Way Back In History

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE
Please do not Google or check this with Snopes. They will lie to you. Trust me!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

I would not make up this stuff.
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Old 18th Jan 2018, 03:26   #11338 (permalink)
 
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"Contains some upsetting scenes"


Very clever.
Speeding motorcyclist caught by own helmet camera - BBC News
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