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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 21st Jan 2018, 13:01
  #11321 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
Posts: 1,828
33. They don't sweat, they perspire
34. they don't cum, they arrive.
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Old 21st Jan 2018, 13:33
  #11322 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
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Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,622
35. Offrs don't wear the right clothes, they are properly attired.
36. Offrs don't salute senior officers, the pay compliments.
37. Offrs don't return salutes, they acknowledge compliments.
38. Offrs don't require your immediate presence, they request you come at your convenience.
39. Offrs are not asked to stand for the loyal toast, they are commanded to be upstanding.
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Old 21st Jan 2018, 19:25
  #11323 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South East of Penge
Age: 70
Posts: 1,399
27. Offrs don't get "late"; They get delayed.



Not in my day. It was :

Airmen are "late", NCO's "Delayed", Officers ........ "Pressed for time"
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Old 21st Jan 2018, 20:09
  #11324 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,670
Officers don't get drunk; they are inebriated.
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Old 21st Jan 2018, 20:44
  #11325 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 482
RSMs tell Lieutenants, counsel Captains, advise Majors and discuss the options with Colonels.
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Old 22nd Jan 2018, 08:39
  #11326 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
And, from my father (major) during early years in WW11, when faced with a platoon of troops who were waiting for your decision about something you had no experience of and no idea of the best option, was to fall back on page 1 of officer training manual, namely, "carry on Sergeant Major" and stroll confidently into the distance with head high and shoulder back.
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Old 22nd Jan 2018, 08:57
  #11327 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 996
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Old 22nd Jan 2018, 17:25
  #11328 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,206
27. Offrs don't get "late"; They get delayed.
or perhaps -

Offrs don't get "late" - they "apply for maternity leave"...

PDR
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Old 22nd Jan 2018, 22:02
  #11329 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: SAM. u.k.
Age: 76
Posts: 260
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, you remember when you said you heard someone coming?”
“Yes. I remember ?”
“Well, that was me.“
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Old 23rd Jan 2018, 00:56
  #11330 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
I vaguely remember the tale of someone so incompetent that he failed every test/exam for RN Officer except one. He was on a beach at the bottom of a cliff with a squad of ratings, a petty officer, a large gun and a bunch of miscellaneous equipment. The task was to get the gun to the top of the cliff. For this, he gave the correct answer of "Petty officer, get this gun to the top of the cliff" and left the experts to get on with the job.
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Old 23rd Jan 2018, 09:48
  #11331 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
Retired Navy man gets a job in the private sector. One day, he came into the office an hour late and the boss is waiting.

Boss: "Mr. Siebert, what did they say to you when you arrived an hour late back at your old job?"

Navy man thinks for a bit and says, "Good morning, admiral".
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Old 23rd Jan 2018, 11:05
  #11332 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
Originally Posted by Fareastdriver View Post
Officers don't get drunk; they are inebriated.
Officers become excited.
Senior ranks become confused.
Other ranks get drunk.

Officers & their ladies.
Senior ranks and their wives.
Other ranks and their women.

Ah, the Good Old Days...
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Old 23rd Jan 2018, 11:24
  #11333 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Fliegensville, Gold Coast Australia
Posts: 35
Ozzie Man Reviews ...again

Fliegs Jnr introduced me to this guy....


The guy at 01:00 & then at 01:10 I had tears in my eyes....
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Old 23rd Jan 2018, 17:39
  #11334 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 996
I have a ticket for the 2018 SUPER BOWL; its a box seat with a fantastic view and an invite to the after party.
I paid 1,500 for the ticket, but didn't realize last year when I bought it that it was going to be the same day as my wedding.

So sadly with much regret I am now looking for someone to take my place.

It's at the First Baptist Church in Boston at 3pm. Her name is Jenny. She's 5'1, about 110 lbs & a really good cook. She'll be the one in the white dress.
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Old 25th Jan 2018, 07:33
  #11335 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 652
Trump boasts of living on fast food like McD's.


He must be living on Statin Island.
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Old 26th Jan 2018, 08:32
  #11336 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 996
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynecologist !'
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Old 26th Jan 2018, 09:53
  #11337 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 56
Posts: 19
Alternative names for shots, for the Golfers among us...

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be
A Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runner
A Kate Moss - a bit thin
Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball
A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole
A Maradonna - a very nasty little five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole
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Old 26th Jan 2018, 10:19
  #11338 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 996
A man sends a text to his next-door neighbour: “Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt for some time & I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again.”

Feeling outrage & betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the man gets a second text: “Really should use spell check ! That should be ‘wifi’.
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Old 26th Jan 2018, 13:57
  #11339 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Denmark
Posts: 187
Since there aleady is some repetitiveness here, here is what find one of the best jokes ever due to it's brevity and surprise:



I spent some time at my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pond.
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Old 26th Jan 2018, 16:26
  #11340 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 996
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