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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 19th Dec 2017, 04:48
  #11181 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
ricardian is offline  
Old 19th Dec 2017, 08:40
  #11182 (permalink)  
Man Bilong Balus long PNG
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Now stewing on the fact that due to this Gottverdammt Covid-19 curse I am not returning to Japan this year, or going anywhere for that matter! So just continuing the search for that bad bottle of Red!
Age: 66
Posts: 2,588
The local Medical Centre recently advertised a short, public seminar on schizophrenia.

I've half a mind to attend.
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Old 19th Dec 2017, 15:04
  #11183 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: N Yorkshire, UK
Age: 72
Posts: 481

The Internet has become too politically correct. What's all this nonsense about disabled cookies?

In my day, they were called broken biscuits.

PZU - Out of Africa (Retired)
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Old 19th Dec 2017, 20:48
  #11184 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 80
Posts: 1,158
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Old 20th Dec 2017, 05:13
  #11185 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Gods Country
Age: 50
Posts: 181
I desperately want to convey seasonal greetings to everyone and without offending any human under Section 18c of the Racial Discrimination Act.
So ... Please accept, without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated, recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018; but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

NOTE: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at
the sole discretion of the wisher.
Name withheld (Privacy Act).
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Old 20th Dec 2017, 11:17
  #11186 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,294
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome... So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who on earth did your hair?"
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Old 21st Dec 2017, 01:58
  #11187 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
ricardian is offline  
Old 21st Dec 2017, 02:56
  #11188 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Pattaya, Thailand
Age: 60
Posts: 216
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Old 21st Dec 2017, 10:12
  #11189 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 744
LGS6753, as we were sitting peeling garlic, I told that one to my daughter. She loved it.
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Old 22nd Dec 2017, 07:34
  #11190 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Flanders
Posts: 28
Top Tips.....
Attached Images
File Type: jpg
sheep paintball.jpg (104.6 KB, 309 views)
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Old 22nd Dec 2017, 09:10
  #11191 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,947
I feel sorry for the ugly bint on the right.
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Old 22nd Dec 2017, 09:50
  #11192 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,004
Hope this isn't a repeat.....

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program ?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad', the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 22nd Dec 2017, 14:04
  #11193 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
ricardian is offline  
Old 26th Dec 2017, 19:59
  #11194 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 34
underfire is offline  
Old 26th Dec 2017, 21:54
  #11195 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 408
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Old 27th Dec 2017, 08:56
  #11196 (permalink)  
Just another erk
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Germany
Age: 73
Posts: 280
Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage. They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
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Old 27th Dec 2017, 10:17
  #11197 (permalink)  

Only half a speed-brake
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Commuting home
Age: 42
Posts: 3,007

(mandatory 10 characters)

FlightDetent is online now  
Old 27th Dec 2017, 14:41
  #11198 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,004
If These Appear Before I Apologise.

Eileen and her husband Jack went for
counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went
into a passionate, painful tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the 25 years they
had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured over the course of their

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a
sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,
walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to
stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra,
put his hands on her breasts and massaged them
thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her
husband Jack watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and
quietly sat down while basking in the glow of
being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Jack
and said, "This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week. Can you do this?"

Jack thought for a moment and replied, "Well,
I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I always play golf."
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 27th Dec 2017, 14:42
  #11199 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,004
When You're A Marine

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"...
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches . . . but when you’re a Marine--- who cares?
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah -- She's pretty good lookin' . . . . . . "
When you’re a Marine -- who cares?
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but when you’re a Marine -- who cares?
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then . . . try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but when you’re a Marine -- who cares?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re a Marine -- who cares?
I went to our NAAFI disco last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but when you’re a Marine-- who cares?
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Old 28th Dec 2017, 14:59
  #11200 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 915
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