Go Back  PPRuNe Forums > PPRuNe Social > Jet Blast
Reload this Page >

Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 28th Nov 2017, 22:38
  #11101 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 64
Posts: 620
Reminds me of the old joke.
Overlooked the fine print on the jar of Viagra.

WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS PRODUCT IF YOU ARE TAKING AN IRON SUPPLEMENT.

SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE POINTING NORTH FOR UP TO FOUR HOURS.
11Fan is offline  
Old 28th Nov 2017, 23:29
  #11102 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 414
While going through an airport during one of his trips, Ex-President George W. Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead. Again the President said, "Are you Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent agreed. "Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he just keeps staring straight ahead and refuses to speak. "Watch!" Again the President yelled, "Are you Moses!" and again the man stared ahead and didn't answer.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you really Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back ... "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."
Dark Knight is offline  
Old 29th Nov 2017, 00:03
  #11103 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 414
During the royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."


Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?”


A long time ago,Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him.


Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked,
"Why do you British officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"


In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show,


…and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that’s why, from that day forward, all French Army officers have worn brown pants.
Dark Knight is offline  
Old 29th Nov 2017, 09:02
  #11104 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
I hear that Prince Harry spoke to his father about the engagement and then he spoke to Charles and Camila afterwards
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 29th Nov 2017, 09:12
  #11105 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
Today in the anniversary of the death of the actor Leslie Nielson, who died in a hospital in Florida








It's a big building with doctors and patients, but that's not important right now......
Ogre is offline  
Old 29th Nov 2017, 13:51
  #11106 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,000
A man walks into a bar & sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a
cigarette?"
The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is
over there."
So he walks over to the machine & as he is about to order a
cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you're an idiot." The man
says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice."
He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette & asks the bartender for some peanuts.
The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts & the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair."
The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me & this peanut is coming on to me?"
The bartender replies:, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order & the peanuts are complementary."
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 29th Nov 2017, 16:39
  #11107 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,000
Another Oldie

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, So for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to This club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all Over him and says... "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, Grabs her purse and Storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in Beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper Must have mistaken him for someone else, But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 29th Nov 2017, 17:47
  #11108 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Southwater
Age: 69
Posts: 522
Originally Posted by Nigerian Expat Outlaw View Post
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN".

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker, the postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: "RETURNED UNOPENED."


"Returned unopened".
Edith Sitwell's biographer described her thus.
RedhillPhil is offline  
Old 29th Nov 2017, 21:15
  #11109 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
ricardian is offline  
Old 1st Dec 2017, 16:36
  #11110 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
A Christmas gift for the friend who has everything

ricardian is offline  
Old 1st Dec 2017, 17:02
  #11111 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 335
I can see that product has a great alternative use.
Sallyann1234 is online now  
Old 1st Dec 2017, 19:26
  #11112 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by Sallyann1234 View Post
I can see that product has a great alternative use.
Erm, like brushing your front teeth?
Takan Inchovit is offline  
Old 1st Dec 2017, 20:06
  #11113 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,219
but which way does it turn?

Does it account for the coriolis effect?
lomapaseo is offline  
Old 1st Dec 2017, 21:30
  #11114 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: at my computer
Posts: 208
It shows the direction of rotation on the packaging.
Doesn't seem the right way to me: It looks likely to snach and jam male dangly bits if not careful.
Terry Dactil is online now  
Old 1st Dec 2017, 22:41
  #11115 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,448
It is likely to leave a racing stripe behind the opening, depending upon the contents being displaced by the rotating brush.
Lonewolf_50 is offline  
Old 1st Dec 2017, 22:49
  #11116 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,646
It also seems to be a space gyro
Pontius Navigator is offline  
Old 1st Dec 2017, 23:56
  #11117 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 56
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Terry Dactil View Post
It shows the direction of rotation on the packaging.
Doesn't seem the right way to me: It looks likely to snach and jam male dangly bits if not careful.
I'm concerned for myself now; I've just spent several minutes considering the physics involved. More wine required to ease the mind I think...
TLDNMCL is offline  
Old 2nd Dec 2017, 10:13
  #11118 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
Seeing as we are approaching the festive season, did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?







He sold his soul to Santa
Ogre is offline  
Old 2nd Dec 2017, 10:32
  #11119 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Western Spiral Arm, Milky Way (sorry I cannot be more specific!)
Age: 63
Posts: 36

Looks complicated!
Zeus is offline  
Old 2nd Dec 2017, 11:13
  #11120 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 669
The brush comes in soft, medium and hard.


Actually, just buy a Washlet. The Japanese have got this market sewn up. The lights come on when you open the door, and the top lid lifts automatically. All is warm, including the seat, and the jets and sprays, and the hot air drier afterwards.


Paper seems positively Barbarian once you are truly hooked, and an ordinary flushing mechanism seems quite Victorian.
jolihokistix is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.