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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 26th Sep 2017, 06:30
  #10861 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 26th Sep 2017, 20:41
  #10862 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: near an airplane
Posts: 1,547
As a variation on RAT 5's post:
An old Pilot sat down in a cafe and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncas, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’ He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
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Old 27th Sep 2017, 09:57
  #10863 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 60
Posts: 328
It was midnight, lock up time at the old country pub. As the staff cashed up and put the money into the safe, they washed the glasses and restocked the bar, Then, they heard a terrible sound. A chilling caterwauling could be heard echoing through the bar. As the dying fire made the polished horse brasses glint, glasses were shattering in the racks above the bar. Corks popped from bottles, released champagne gushed...and then, they saw it.

A ghostly cat was stalking along the bar. It glowed white in the half light and details of the background could be made out through its insubstantial form. It continued to yowl and turned to the barman.

"I am the ghost of Tiddles, the pub cat," it said forlornly. "In 1857, my master was drunk. He became angry because I knocked a glass off the bar. He got a carving knife form the kitchen and cut off my tail." It continued, with tears in its voice. "Then, he chased me into the cellar. I ran into the old dumb waiter and he closed the shutter. Then he walled me up and left me to die. As I starved to death I was soooo thirsty...I swore to get my tail back and get my revenge on my cruel master.Having my tail will let me go back and scare him to death Please, please, can you help me...?"

The barman was moved and even he had to hold back the tears as he said...

"Sorry, we don't re-tail spirits after closing time."
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Old 27th Sep 2017, 12:09
  #10864 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,838
The dusty old cow-poke wandered up to the bar and ordered a beer. Just as he was about to pick it up, a tabby tomcat ran along the bar, stopped at his beer, and dunked his [email protected] in it.

Eeeww! said the cowpoke, and ordered another beer. But the same thing happened to the next beer!

Undeterred, he ordered a third, and as the cat skidded to a halt next to his beer, he clapped his hand over it and stopped the cat. Tomcat was not pleased, so he looked around, saw another beer sitting on top of the piano, and hopped over to it, dunked his [email protected], and moved on.

The piano player finished his tune, and reached for his beer.

The cowpoke said, "Pardon me, sir, but do you know a tabby tomcat dunked his [email protected] in your beer?"

The piano player replied:

"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll try to pick it up."

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Old 27th Sep 2017, 12:10
  #10865 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Boston
Age: 69
Posts: 441
"I am the ghost of Tiddles, the pub cat,"
Tiddles should have consulted the renown Vet Dr FrankInMug who was famouse for the first succesfull feline tail transplant.
So skilled was the great Dr. that he was even able to split a donor tail in two to provide a new tail for two cats.

As his fame spread a worldwide bestselling novel was written in his honor:

wait for it

The title of the novel was:

A tail of two kitties.

Last edited by MurphyWasRight; 27th Sep 2017 at 12:11. Reason: typo
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Old 27th Sep 2017, 15:59
  #10866 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
For those of a certain age...

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Old 27th Sep 2017, 16:08
  #10867 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Boston
Age: 69
Posts: 441

Cell Phone 1980
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Old 27th Sep 2017, 18:15
  #10868 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,001
Labours' Plan

Jeremy Corbyn called John McDonnell into his office one day, and said: "John, I have a great idea! We’re going to go all out to win back Middle England.”
“Good idea Jeremy, how will we go about it?” said McDonnell.
“Well,” said Corbyn “we’ll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper Hunter wellies, a stick and a flat cap –, oh, and a Labrador. Then, we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a nice old country pub, and we’ll show we really enjoy the countryside and Middle England.”
“Right Comrade,” said McDonnell.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off.
Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
“Good evening, Landlord. Two pints of your best ale, from the wood please,” said Corbyn.
“Good evening, Jeremy,” said the landlord. “Two pints of the best it is, coming up.”
Corbyn & McDonnell stood leaning on the bar contemplating taking over the country, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet.
Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure to the bewilderment of Corbyn and McDonnell.
People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, McDonnell called the landlord over.
“Tell me,” said McDonnell, “Why did all those people come in and look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old country custom?”
“Good Lord no,” said the landlord. “It’s just that someone told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes.”
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Old 28th Sep 2017, 08:13
  #10869 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K
Posts: 67
Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
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Old 28th Sep 2017, 09:06
  #10870 (permalink)  

Ich bin ein Prooner.
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Home of the Full Monty.
Posts: 506
Sad news at the Nestle chocolate factory today, a man was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" Everyone just cheered!!
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Old 28th Sep 2017, 13:47
  #10871 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 34
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Old 28th Sep 2017, 16:54
  #10872 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 6,613
As the Hugh Heffner thread's been locked...

treadigraph is online now  
Old 29th Sep 2017, 17:05
  #10873 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
A rare moment of self awareness from the Daily Mail...

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Old 29th Sep 2017, 17:39
  #10874 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 407

Last edited by Russell Gulch; 29th Sep 2017 at 23:29.
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Old 29th Sep 2017, 20:02
  #10875 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: avro country
Age: 69
Posts: 174
One of the girls went into his room and found him to be a little stiff.
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Old 30th Sep 2017, 23:01
  #10876 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 1st Oct 2017, 11:54
  #10877 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: On The Run
Age: 54
Posts: 9
One of the girls went into his room and found him to be a little stiff.
It's the first time he's been stiff naturally for 4 decades.
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Old 1st Oct 2017, 12:08
  #10878 (permalink)  
Está servira para distraerle.
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: In a perambulator.
Posts: 0
Furtive almond eyed individuals have been seen around the back door of the mansion. The rumour is that they are attempting to purchase pickled playboy penis which is has now superseded rhino horn as the all time great oriental aid to male sexual gratification. Microgram for microgram, the most powerful substance of its kind in the world.
Available marinated at a small extra cost.
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Old 1st Oct 2017, 14:43
  #10879 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Permanent Newbie
Posts: 50
Have had emails already from Long lost cousin of Hef asking my assistamce in releasing millions of dollars from a sluch fund he kept hidden from IRS.
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Old 1st Oct 2017, 18:45
  #10880 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 913
Jonathan Ross was arrested earlier for shoplifting kitchen utensils.

He said it was whisk worth taking.
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