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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 12th May 2012, 05:55
  #1061 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
more creative writing (forwarded by a friend, not my own 'editing'):

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it!.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature, Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowlingball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, on having left Cleveland at6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at aspeed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love; when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV guide! crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paperfax machine that needed a band tightening.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Last edited by probes; 12th May 2012 at 06:02.
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Old 12th May 2012, 07:58
  #1062 (permalink)  
 
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Great stuff, probes!

Sounds like fun to have a go at, that:

His piercing gaze went right through her, like the sound of a dentist's drill.

"This ought to be a piece of cake," said Maverick, but it was actually Goose's underwear.

A shiver of excitement went through him, as if he was in the early stages of Parkinson's.
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Old 12th May 2012, 08:59
  #1063 (permalink)  

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Slasher as a young boy?

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Old 12th May 2012, 09:25
  #1064 (permalink)  
 
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The latest from the world of hairdressing. Vidal Sassoon's funeral will not be televised live. Just the highlights apparently.
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Old 12th May 2012, 11:21
  #1065 (permalink)  
 
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Just the highlights
From the Edinburgh Fringe, maybe?
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Old 12th May 2012, 11:31
  #1066 (permalink)  
 
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From the Edinburgh Fringe, maybe?
Groan.....

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Old 12th May 2012, 13:12
  #1067 (permalink)  

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apparentl a very small coffin as he only had a short back and sides.
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Old 12th May 2012, 13:16
  #1068 (permalink)  
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Hair today, gone tomorrow.
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Old 12th May 2012, 22:42
  #1069 (permalink)  

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a sad parting
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Old 12th May 2012, 23:39
  #1070 (permalink)  
 
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I heard it was an open coffin mass but you could just see his head and shoulders!
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Old 14th May 2012, 06:56
  #1071 (permalink)  
 
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The Grim Reaper was heard to say "who'd have thought I'd get V D So-soon?"........








...I'll get my coat.......
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Old 14th May 2012, 09:57
  #1072 (permalink)  
 
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In other news

Twelve members of the British Paralympic team have been suspended after they tested positive for WD-40..

Last edited by IainB; 14th May 2012 at 09:58.
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Old 14th May 2012, 11:47
  #1073 (permalink)  
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As I knocked back drink after drink the concerned barmaid asked, "Are you okay, sir?"
"My son would have been two today..." I sobbed.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she replied. "Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"He was born a day late," I replied. "Now I've got to go to his stinking birthday party tomorrow instead of playing golf with the lads."
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Old 14th May 2012, 22:08
  #1074 (permalink)  
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Old 15th May 2012, 10:58
  #1075 (permalink)  
 
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Thanks Buster Hyman, this image from an piece in the Telegraph on obesity.

Methinks someone at the Telegraph has a sense of humor...


Last edited by OPENDOOR; 15th May 2012 at 11:02.
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Old 15th May 2012, 12:41
  #1076 (permalink)  
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Does the caption (upper left) apply to her ?
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Old 15th May 2012, 13:11
  #1077 (permalink)  
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Analysis of the above picture can tell us a lot about how different people think.

- For young men, it’s a picture of a lady with a nice bottom but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.

- The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.

- For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman – with a nice bottom – on her way to work.

- The perverts among them will imagine her naked.

- Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it with humanity.

- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

- The other half will think she is rather ‘tartish’ but wonder where she bought that blouse.

- Older women will imagine the misery that the woman’s bottom will cause by the time she reaches 50.

- But only children, the extremely intelligent and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.




Sorry about that, I always got the large picture

Last edited by ArthurR; 15th May 2012 at 14:59.
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Old 15th May 2012, 14:20
  #1078 (permalink)  
 
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Location: uk
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how different people think

Some of us will be thinking 'I wish that picture was a bit bigger'.
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Old 15th May 2012, 15:01
  #1079 (permalink)  
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Is that better, Vulcanised, I only saw a large picture.
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Old 15th May 2012, 21:11
  #1080 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
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And then some of us may analyize that she is walking against a don't walk light and that there is a bus just off to her right bearing down on her at speed.
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