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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 13th Aug 2017, 13:04
  #10681 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 65
What, ricardian doesn't work weekends???
axefurabz is offline  
Old 13th Aug 2017, 22:51
  #10682 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 78
Posts: 101
BlankBox is offline  
Old 14th Aug 2017, 03:14
  #10683 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 36
Checklist training.



Did you notice the section map taped to the windscreen?

Last edited by underfire; 14th Aug 2017 at 03:28.
underfire is offline  
Old 14th Aug 2017, 04:29
  #10684 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: QLD - where drivers are yet to realise that the left lane goes to their destination too.
Posts: 2,039
There's a windscreen?
Traffic_Is_Er_Was is offline  
Old 14th Aug 2017, 05:38
  #10685 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,206
Which one is the captain, the one with 3 bars, or the one with half a bar?
Ascend Charlie is offline  
Old 14th Aug 2017, 06:08
  #10686 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 884
A father texts his son:

"My Dear Son,

Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:

"I know."
sitigeltfel is offline  
Old 14th Aug 2017, 06:09
  #10687 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: 57 North
Posts: 62
Re. post #10714
FO to Captain, who's this creepy guy with the camera at my side window?
Chuck Glider is offline  
Old 14th Aug 2017, 07:07
  #10688 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 75
Posts: 803
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The farmer thought "Great - he's 5 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well Willie, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the pie-eyed lad.
"How fast was that calf travelling when he hit the cow?"
ricardian is offline  
Old 14th Aug 2017, 08:29
  #10689 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: France
Age: 66
Posts: 40
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began

wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
expatfrance is offline  
Old 14th Aug 2017, 14:41
  #10690 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 75
Posts: 803
ricardian is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2017, 15:57
  #10691 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 75
Posts: 803
ricardian is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2017, 18:13
  #10692 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 75
Posts: 803
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialities, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist, and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.
Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!
So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved it.
ricardian is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2017, 22:42
  #10693 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 989
Bill was on his last ever milk round before retirement. As he placed a bottle on one of his regular doorsteps the door opened and a gorgeous young lady in a negligee took him by the hand, led him inside and upstairs, gave him a serious seeing to then led him back to front door and handed him a £5 note.

Bill was very pleasantly surprised; he said to the young lady, "Thank you, but why ?".
She answered, "Last night I told my husband you are retiring and asked what I should give you. He said F**k him, give him a fiver".

NEO
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 16th Aug 2017, 18:00
  #10694 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 36
Re. post #10714

Capt- DD
FO- C

Part II

underfire is offline  
Old 16th Aug 2017, 18:43
  #10695 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,004
She's not strapped in!! what happens when her airbags go off in a collision?
lomapaseo is offline  
Old 16th Aug 2017, 18:45
  #10696 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Norfolk
Posts: 188
Never mind that, check out the reflection on the navigation display......
57mm is offline  
Old 16th Aug 2017, 19:34
  #10697 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 64
Posts: 620
We're going down, we're going down.......
11Fan is offline  
Old 16th Aug 2017, 19:43
  #10698 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by 57mm View Post
Never mind that, check out the reflection on the navigation display......
Two large warm fronts on the WX.
hiflymk3 is offline  
Old 16th Aug 2017, 21:51
  #10699 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Back on the Wirral
Posts: 12
Donald Trump was asked does he know the difference between sunni and Shia he replied no but they sang I got you babe
THE AIRBOEJET is offline  
Old 16th Aug 2017, 22:43
  #10700 (permalink)  
Está servira para distraerle.
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: In a perambulator.
Posts: 7,046
Would that were one day in my cockpit.
cavortingcheetah is offline  

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