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Friday Jokes

Old 9th Aug 2017, 10:56
  #10661 (permalink)  
I16
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 60
Peking duck tonight!


At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl
behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour
and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her
to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!”

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the
shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429.
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Old 9th Aug 2017, 12:59
  #10662 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Back too the hot bits again
Posts: 78
Hollywood are making an action movie about the great classical composers.
Bruce Willis says he wants to play Beethoven.
Sylvester Stallone says he want to play Mozart

And Arnold Schwarzenegger says "in that case I'll be Bach "
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Old 9th Aug 2017, 13:06
  #10663 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: elstree
Posts: 13
Browsing through ebay and saw someone had listed a bottle of Chinese Tippex.

The seller reckons its a corrector's item.
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Old 9th Aug 2017, 14:18
  #10664 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,149
I've counted those ducklings a number of times and every time I get a different result.
Are there 12 ?
count the toes and divide by 6.

if you get an odd number you miscounted
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Old 9th Aug 2017, 21:04
  #10665 (permalink)  
Stargazing
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: West
Posts: 427
Or you're in Norfolk.
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Old 9th Aug 2017, 21:55
  #10666 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 35
count the toes and divide by 6.
ducks have toes?????
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Old 9th Aug 2017, 23:55
  #10667 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 310
Tippex gag

Originally Posted by Flyingbadge View Post
Browsing through ebay and saw someone had listed a bottle of Chinese Tippex.

The seller reckons its a corrector's item.
Reminded me of the time I dropped a litre bottle of Tippex.

Big mistake.
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Old 10th Aug 2017, 07:38
  #10668 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
After the outbreak of Norovirus at the World Athletics Championships, the baton in the 4x100 metres relay is to be replaced with a toilet roll.
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Old 10th Aug 2017, 08:31
  #10669 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
And the Labrador puppy wins.
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Old 10th Aug 2017, 17:07
  #10670 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
After the outbreak of Norovirus at the World Athletics Championships, the baton in the 4x100 metres relay is to be replaced with a toilet roll.
Added incentive for the 100m - 8 runners, 7 toilet stalls positioned at the finish line.
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Old 10th Aug 2017, 18:11
  #10671 (permalink)  
Stargazing
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: West
Posts: 427
Old Mrs Cohen was walking home through the park after a hard day's work sewing in her son's tailoring emporium. Suddenly, a flasher stepped out in front of her and opened his coat. Mrs C looked at him scornfully and said,

"You call that a lining?"
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Old 10th Aug 2017, 19:53
  #10672 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by llondel View Post
Added incentive for the 100m - 8 runners, 7 toilet stalls positioned at the finish line.
Why 7 when 1 would do?
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Old 10th Aug 2017, 20:37
  #10673 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
Originally Posted by hiflymk3 View Post
Why 7 when 1 would do?
Less work for the stadium cleaning staff?
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Old 10th Aug 2017, 21:50
  #10674 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: N. Spain
Age: 75
Posts: 1,310
After the outbreak of Norovirus at the World Athletics Championships, the baton in the 4x100 metres relay is to be replaced with a toilet roll.

I guess you saw Matt´s cartoon in yesterdays Daily Telegraph.
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Old 10th Aug 2017, 21:50
  #10675 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
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Old 10th Aug 2017, 23:37
  #10676 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
Less work for the stadium cleaning staff?
That was my thought, too.
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Old 11th Aug 2017, 16:26
  #10677 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
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Old 11th Aug 2017, 22:56
  #10678 (permalink)  
 
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Old 12th Aug 2017, 09:12
  #10679 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
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After the outbreak of Norovirus at the World Athletics Championships,
When you gotta run, you gotts run.
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Old 12th Aug 2017, 10:35
  #10680 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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