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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 4th Jul 2017, 10:18
  #10441 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
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The teacher said to little Johnny "Where were you yesterday Johnny?"
Little Johnny said "My father got burnt Miss."
The teacher said "Oh dear, I hope the burns were not serious."
Little Johnny said "Well, they don't mess around at the crematorium Miss."
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Old 4th Jul 2017, 19:15
  #10442 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Age: 53
Posts: 21
With thanks to 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue'.

In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them. It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top.

A word to the wise - pile cream tastes disgusting.
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Old 4th Jul 2017, 20:12
  #10443 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,186
I don't like to boast, but my research into developing edible jewellery has been described as pioneering.
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Old 4th Jul 2017, 20:23
  #10444 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 55
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Worn by a tart?
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Old 4th Jul 2017, 23:35
  #10445 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,075
Interesting food they serve

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Old 5th Jul 2017, 08:40
  #10446 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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Old 5th Jul 2017, 12:51
  #10447 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
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Following one overdone steal too many during a state visit in Israel, Trump collapses and dies of a massive heart attack. The Israeli officials take the body and tell Mike Pence: "You have two burial options."
" The first one, you pay $10,000,000 and we can send the body back to the United States so he can be buried there. "
" Second option, you pay $500,000 and we bury him here in the sacred land of Israel."

After much debate, Pence decides to pay the larger fee and bring back the body. Surprised, the Israelis ask them why they chose this option.

" Well, we believe that at some time in the past you buried someone and he came back after three days, we're just not willing to take that chance."
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Old 5th Jul 2017, 13:28
  #10448 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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A zebra went to heaven and was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter. St. Peter asked him if he had any questions before he went in. The zebra said yes "I have always wondered whether I am black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" St. Peter then said well I really cannot answer that one for you. You'll have to ask God that. The zebra asked God the same question. "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" God replied, "You are what you are." The zebra returned to St.Peter and said he was more confused than ever. St. Peter asked him what God had said. The zebra replied, "He said you are what you are." St. Peter said, "You are white with black stripes." The zebra asked, "How can you tell?" St. Peter replied, "If you were black with white stripes he would have said, 'you is what you is'."
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Old 5th Jul 2017, 20:53
  #10449 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 6th Jul 2017, 06:15
  #10450 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
A zebra went to heaven and was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter. St. Peter asked him if he had any questions before he went in. The zebra said yes "I have always wondered whether I am black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" St. Peter then said well I really cannot answer that one for you. You'll have to ask God that. The zebra asked God the same question. "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" God replied, "You are what you are." The zebra returned to St.Peter and said he was more confused than ever. St. Peter asked him what God had said. The zebra replied, "He said you are what you are." St. Peter said, "You are white with black stripes." The zebra asked, "How can you tell?" St. Peter replied, "If you were black with white stripes he would have said, 'you is what you is'."


Cracked me up!
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Old 6th Jul 2017, 07:39
  #10451 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 59
Posts: 328
A grizzly bear walks into a bar and the barman asks 'What will you have?'
'A gin' replies the bear.
The barman walks off and comes back with a gin and puts it down in front of him.
'...and tonic.' finishes the bear.
'What's with the big pause?' asks the barman.
The bear looks down and says 'I don't know, my Dad had them too.'
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Old 6th Jul 2017, 12:30
  #10452 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 6th Jul 2017, 16:17
  #10453 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 6th Jul 2017, 19:43
  #10454 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
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Cracked me up!

Careful. Is it that it made you laugh, or you felt wasted by imbibing some white stuff? 'Ecstatic' even.
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Old 7th Jul 2017, 06:51
  #10455 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 59
Posts: 328
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size.
So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
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Old 7th Jul 2017, 17:24
  #10456 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 79
Posts: 106


...my knees go weak...
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Old 7th Jul 2017, 17:59
  #10457 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
Age: 75
Posts: 1,859
I went to a works party where 'big Jenny' made a move on me . . .
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Old 7th Jul 2017, 18:01
  #10458 (permalink)  

Gentleman Aviator
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Teetering Towers - somewhere in the Shires
Posts: 3,364
What did they use to say about vertically mismatched couples.....

"When your noses are together your toes are in.

when your toes are together your nose is in!"
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Old 7th Jul 2017, 19:00
  #10459 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 64
Posts: 620
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size.
But he's nuts over her.
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Old 7th Jul 2017, 19:20
  #10460 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South East of Penge
Age: 69
Posts: 1,377
Reminds me of Pete and Dud,when Dud was talking about dancing "cheek to cheek" with Raquel Welch.
Pete's response:

"Top right to bottom left in your case of course"
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