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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 7th May 2012, 00:26
  #1021 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Sydney
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Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
Cause 4 inches would just look silly.

You have to tell this one, as a 5 parter but it works:

How many elephants can you fit in a Mini?
4, 2 in the front, 2 in the back.

How do you know if there is an elephant hiding in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 2 elephants hiding in your fridge?
2 sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 3 elephants hiding in your fridge?
3 sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 4 elephants hiding in your fridge?
4 sets of footprints in the butter? No dummy, there's a red Mini parked outside.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in apple trees.

How did Tarzan die?
Picking apples.
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Old 7th May 2012, 01:18
  #1022 (permalink)  
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Old 7th May 2012, 02:42
  #1023 (permalink)  
 
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Enough with the elephant jokes already! Let's have a bear joke.

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Old 7th May 2012, 03:01
  #1024 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
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The Ohio State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while hiking.

They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray
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Old 7th May 2012, 04:05
  #1025 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
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[IMG][/IMG]
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Old 7th May 2012, 06:36
  #1026 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
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AEROPLANES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN BECAUSE....................

Aeroplanes can kill you quickly - women take their time.
Aeroplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Aeroplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
Aeroplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Aeroplanes have a strict weight and balance.
Aeroplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Aeroplanes don't care how many aircraft you have flown before.
Aeroplanes don't mind if you look at other aeroplanes.
Aeroplanes don't mind if you buy aeroplane magazines.
Aeroplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Aeroplanes don't whine unless something is seriously wrong.

However, when aeroplanes go quiet, just like women, its a bad sign.
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Old 7th May 2012, 06:39
  #1027 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
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On the other hand, when an aeroplane goes down unexpectedly, you know you're in trouble.
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Old 7th May 2012, 07:14
  #1028 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
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Although, if there's something on an aeroplane you shouldn't push, it has a sign to say so.
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Old 7th May 2012, 08:52
  #1029 (permalink)  
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If it is a lady pilot is it no longer a 'cockpit'?

Oh dear, now I have probably started something
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Old 7th May 2012, 08:56
  #1030 (permalink)  

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at the risk of deletion, no, it becomes the box offfice



a very old joke so accompanied by an equaly old photo
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Old 7th May 2012, 09:46
  #1031 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
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and an equally old photoshop.
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Old 7th May 2012, 10:15
  #1032 (permalink)  
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So that's how the scratches get on the dashboard of my car !
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Old 7th May 2012, 10:22
  #1033 (permalink)  

(a bear of little brain)
 
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Above is a bit like the joke from many many years ago where a woman driver was getting very bad MPG figures. Local garage checked car out and couldn't find anything wrong so asked her to take the mechanic for a test drive. When she got in the car the first thing she did was pull out the choke (remember them?) and hang her handbag from it. Problem solved.
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Old 7th May 2012, 18:59
  #1034 (permalink)  
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The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night.

To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
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Old 7th May 2012, 23:49
  #1035 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
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The Secretary...

GEORGE: Your secretary is very sexy...

BILL: Thanks! It's a robot actually, named Monica.
If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters. I'll lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions.

Next day, George called Bill from the hospital & shouted:



You bastard! You didn't tell me that the HOLE between Monica's legs is a pencil sharpener...!
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Old 8th May 2012, 00:31
  #1036 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
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Elephant 101

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a pink elephant?
With a pink elephant gun.
No, twist it's trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

What is yellow, hangs from the trees and tastes of bananas?
Monkey sick.
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Old 8th May 2012, 09:16
  #1037 (permalink)  
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My new next door neighbour is already getting on my t*ts. He's been in the country for a week now and still can't speak a word of English.

The sooner he fcuks off back to America, the better.



I'll act my age when I'm 69.
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Old 9th May 2012, 06:23
  #1038 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Old 9th May 2012, 07:36
  #1039 (permalink)  
 
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Thanks for that, Lon More. Thanks a whole lot.
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Old 9th May 2012, 09:22
  #1040 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
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I don't think this has been posted here, but well worth a look. User reviews of "Veet for Men" on Amazon:

Br - sorry the link resolves to Amazon main page? Search for "Veet for Men Hair Removal Creme" and then read Customer Reviews...

Allow at least 30 minutes.....
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