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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 31st May 2017, 15:49
  #10261 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Near the watter...
Age: 74
Posts: 251
Tommy Cooper story. A friend was working as a chauffeur...one day he drove Tommy Cooper all over the place. At the end of the day, Cooper shook hands with him and pushed something into the top pocket of his jacket, saying "Nice day, son....have a drink on me!!"




It was a teabag.....
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Old 1st Jun 2017, 11:03
  #10262 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Waterfall
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by llondel View Post
Doctor: Tell me sir, when did you first realise you had diarrhoea?

Man: When I took my bike clips off.
Doctor: I'm prescribing a course of Gravox powder.

Man: Will that cure it?

Doctor: No, but it'll thicken it up.
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Old 1st Jun 2017, 11:31
  #10263 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
One day Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy'."
Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
Really confused, and now rather worried about what will happen next, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and give that kid some ice cream!"
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Old 1st Jun 2017, 13:00
  #10264 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 1st Jun 2017, 13:18
  #10265 (permalink)  

Ich bin ein Prooner.
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Home of the Full Monty.
Posts: 507
Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring ..
So, at least I got home OK.
______________________________ __________



As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral,
A voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
______________________________ __________



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
______________________________ __________


After both suffering from depression for a while,
Me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
______________________________ __________


I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
Not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
______________________________ __________


"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
______________________________ __________


Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
______________________________ __________


I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed
A burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked
Him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"
I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
______________________________ __________


A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good,
But there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
Six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"


I've learned that pleasing
Everyone is impossible,
But pissing everyone off is
A piece of cake.

A man can not learn what he thinks he already knows.
Noah Zark. is offline  
Old 1st Jun 2017, 19:42
  #10266 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
A man can not learn what he thinks he already knows.

Ah. What a relief. I thought you were just a facetious and trivial git until a gem of wisdom closes the book.
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Old 1st Jun 2017, 19:48
  #10267 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
Bread.jpg

Seen at Schiphol.
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Old 2nd Jun 2017, 06:39
  #10268 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,350
[quote]A man can not learn what he thinks he already knows. [\quote]

teach your grandmother to suck eggs
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Old 2nd Jun 2017, 12:00
  #10269 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
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Old 2nd Jun 2017, 16:28
  #10270 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Bill had a shocking industrial accident, resulting in his ears being amputated.

On Bill's return to work from hospital, the manager told Bill's workmates to be considerate and act as if nothing had happened.

'Welcome back, Bill,' said one of his mates. 'I see your eyesight's improved!'
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Old 2nd Jun 2017, 18:43
  #10271 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Midlands
Posts: 120
It didn't take long.



"John Noakes groomed me....."











....says Shep.
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Old 3rd Jun 2017, 12:17
  #10272 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: VHHH Ocean 2D
Posts: 726
What key opens any lock?
A Pi Key.
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Old 3rd Jun 2017, 12:21
  #10273 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: VHHH Ocean 2D
Posts: 726
Funniest Joke ever:

What does a Pikey spend on Holiday?

Travellers Cheques. Hahaha.
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Old 3rd Jun 2017, 12:32
  #10274 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 264
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Old 3rd Jun 2017, 20:17
  #10275 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 80
Posts: 122
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Old 4th Jun 2017, 11:35
  #10276 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wales
Posts: 20
Went to lunch at my parents. Dad said we were having the mother in law for dinner. I said I don't like the mother in law. Dad said - well just eat the chips and peas.
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Old 4th Jun 2017, 13:28
  #10277 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 4th Jun 2017, 13:33
  #10278 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,281
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Old 4th Jun 2017, 14:23
  #10279 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 264
Blank Box-Where`s the PD?
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Old 5th Jun 2017, 14:43
  #10280 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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