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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 3rd May 2012, 20:34
  #1001 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Midlands
Posts: 329
Australian Drover

"Give me three packets of condoms, please."

"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

"Nah.... She ain't that ugly."
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Old 3rd May 2012, 21:27
  #1002 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: England
Posts: 98
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog.
She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady,
"That smells like sh-t."
The little old lady said,
"It is.
I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
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Old 3rd May 2012, 21:48
  #1003 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Earth
Posts: 3,672
I checked on 'Snopes' but there was nothing there yet. Even for California, I cannot believe someone would actually sue BMW for what an after-market accessory has supposedly done.
Go to the website for the Superior Court of California (here), click on "Online Services" and "Case Number Query".

Enter 520316 .... et voila .... happy bedtime reading chuks.
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Old 4th May 2012, 02:28
  #1004 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Germany
Age: 72
Posts: 1,561
Unbelievable!

This should be a good one!

I assume that the lawyers for BMW and Corbin will want the evidence properly tagged and impounded... all the evidence! 'You can have it back after the case has been decided, Mr Wolf. Until then you will just have to sit down to pee.'

California is the state where a psychic won a big jury award for losing her powers due to a CAT scan, I think.

When I get home, if I find a nice, new Corbin seat on my BMW, shall I take that for some sort of consumer complaint from Her Indoors?
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Old 4th May 2012, 03:04
  #1005 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: CYZV
Age: 73
Posts: 1,259
The plaintiff is from the 'Bay area' if I'm not mistaken. That explains a lot right there.
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Old 4th May 2012, 19:55
  #1006 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Lincolnshire
Posts: 2,165
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.



'I was behind you in McDonald's.'
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Old 4th May 2012, 21:22
  #1007 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: England
Posts: 98
I was on a plane the other day and you would NOT believe it.
There were two guys in the row in front of me bitching about the pilot being a woman.
"Jeez, I thought, you sexist, misoginist pigs - it's not like she'll have to reverse the thing is it!"

A man is sitting at the dining room table waiting for his wife to cook his breakfast.
All of a sudden he hears a loud thud and on going in to the kitchen to investigate he finds that his wife has dropped dead in the kitchen.
He goes into a complete panic not knowing what to do - then suddenly remembers that Weatherspoons do an all-day breakfast for £3.95.

Paddy says to Mick: "I found this pen. Is it your's?"
Mick says: "Don't know, give it here." He tries it and says "Yes, it's mine!"
"How did you know", asks Paddy.
"That's my handwriting, says Mick.

My wife and I walked past a swanky restaurant the other night.
"Did you smell that food?", asked my wife, "It was incredible!"
Being the nice guy that I am I thought, "What the hell, I'll treat her."
So we walked past the restaurant again!

Angela Merkel lands at Athens airport and gets stopped by customs on the way through.
Name? ........ Angela Merkel
Nationality? ..... German
Occupation? ......... "No, just visiting"

Lid

Last edited by flying lid; 4th May 2012 at 21:33.
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Old 5th May 2012, 12:01
  #1008 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 71
Posts: 1,768
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground !"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."


Mum fainted.
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Old 5th May 2012, 14:17
  #1009 (permalink)  
Just another erk
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Germany
Age: 73
Posts: 280
1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a s*x object.Every time you ask for s*x, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.

6. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

7. Virginity can be cured.

8. Virginity is not dignity,it’s lack of opportunity.

9. Having s*x is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10. I tried phone s*x once,but the holes in the dial were too small.

11. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

12. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: Life sucks, jobsucks and the wife doesn’t.

13. Despite the old saying,‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!
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Old 5th May 2012, 23:31
  #1010 (permalink)  
bnt
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland. (No, I just live here.)
Posts: 721
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a goose.
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Old 5th May 2012, 23:37
  #1011 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 65
Posts: 619
I got me a dog today. I'm going to name him Holmes.

That way when he gets on the couch I' can yell "Get Down Holmes"
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Old 6th May 2012, 08:35
  #1012 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Age: 71
Posts: 1,768
I' can yell "Get Down Holmes"
Does he fetch a goose then?
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Old 6th May 2012, 18:26
  #1013 (permalink)  
quidquid excusatio prandium pro
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: New York
Posts: 351
Q: How do you know when you've passed an elephant?
A: You can't close the toilet seat.
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Old 6th May 2012, 21:33
  #1014 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: North Queensland, Australia
Posts: 2,869
What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Apologise and wipe it off.
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Old 6th May 2012, 21:37
  #1015 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Swindon, Wilts,UK
Posts: 563
Why Do ducks have flat feet?
For stamping out forest fires!

Why do Elephants have large flat feet?
For stamping out burning ducks!

What's red and found between the toes of elephants?
Crushed asians!

Twenty years of therapy and I still can't forget the 101 elephant jokes.
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Old 6th May 2012, 22:42
  #1016 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 535
What's Grey and comes by the gallon?
Elephants.
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Old 6th May 2012, 22:47
  #1017 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 238
What's the biggest drawback in the African jungle?

The elephant's foreskin!
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Old 6th May 2012, 23:01
  #1018 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Chez Sprog
Posts: 493
How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?




Footprints in the butter.
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Old 6th May 2012, 23:22
  #1019 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Global Vagabond
Posts: 628
Two elephants fell off a cliff... Boom Boom!

royalties to a certain Mr T Cooper...
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Old 7th May 2012, 00:10
  #1020 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 65
Posts: 619
An Elephant, a Priest and a Rabbi go into a bar.

The Bartender goes "What is this, some kind of joke?"
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