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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 2nd May 2017, 23:05
  #10061 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
A modest Irish young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes Madame," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"
"Braille," she replied, innocently lowering her lashes.
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Old 3rd May 2017, 09:26
  #10062 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
Don't believe evolutionists when they tell you wildebeests evolved into horses. It's fake gnus.
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Old 3rd May 2017, 10:37
  #10063 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 3rd May 2017, 17:05
  #10064 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 80
Posts: 122
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Old 3rd May 2017, 17:20
  #10065 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 3rd May 2017, 21:30
  #10066 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 698
funfly; If you are indeed 78, how old is your Wife?
I am indeed the age you see, if you think that everything stops by the time you reach my age then you think wrong my friend.

FF
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Old 4th May 2017, 00:25
  #10067 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Wherever Crewing send me
Posts: 74
Funfly...

^^^^^ I sometimes wish there was a "like" button on PPRuNe.
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Old 4th May 2017, 01:51
  #10068 (permalink)  
Man Bilong Balus long PNG
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Now stewing on the fact that due to this Gottverdammt Covid-19 curse I am not returning to Japan this year, or going anywhere for that matter! So just continuing the search for that bad bottle of Red!
Age: 65
Posts: 2,582
funfly; My post was made tongue in cheek! No offence meant.

I sometimes wish there was a "like" button on PPRuNe.
Well, there is..sort of. It's
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Old 4th May 2017, 06:00
  #10069 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811


Of course they do - their little feet can hardly reach the pedals
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Old 4th May 2017, 10:48
  #10070 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 698
funfly; My post was made tongue in cheek! No offence meant.
I didn't take any offence and I'm glad to make the point. In fact I was talking to a 24 year old chap just a few days ago and he showed me a picture of his 94 year old dad.

Back to the jokes......
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Old 4th May 2017, 13:48
  #10071 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
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Old 4th May 2017, 14:42
  #10072 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 77
Posts: 16,689
Funfly, just a question of time management, ensure the prelude is short enough so you are still awake until the finale.
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Old 4th May 2017, 16:30
  #10073 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
A Welshmman persuades his English girlfriend to spice things up in the bedroom with some bondage. He says "If it hurts too much, just yell the safe word twice and I'll stop"
"OK," She says "What's the safe word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogog och"
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Old 4th May 2017, 17:09
  #10074 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: A little south of the "Black Sheep" brewery
Posts: 405
An English girl is sitting on a hillside in the Highlands together with a Heelan' laddie who is wearing a kilt. Curiosity eventually gets the better of her and she asks,
"What do you Scotsmen have under your kilts?"
He replies,
"Put yer haind up under it an' find oot".
She does so, then suddenly pulls it out with a shriek,
"Ooh! It's gruesome!"
He answers,
"Aye, do that agin an' it'll groo some more!"
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Old 5th May 2017, 07:03
  #10075 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 34
A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the Octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A bloke walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another bloke walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. The man pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye canie plae it,can ye?"
The octopus looks up at him and says ........"Play it?.... I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off.
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Old 5th May 2017, 09:00
  #10076 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
Bored, high & horny!

Meth-fuelled masturbating frenzy in West Auckland 'caused by boredom'
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Old 5th May 2017, 12:10
  #10077 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 913
I put my smartphone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone, and a euro coin was in its place.

Bloody Bluetooth fairy!
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Old 5th May 2017, 12:19
  #10078 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 334
Q. What is the first thing Adam said to Eve?
A. "You'd better stand back - I don't know how big this thing gets!"

Places call to Uber
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Old 5th May 2017, 12:58
  #10079 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 71
Posts: 1,809
A Maharajah of an old Indian Princely State became a total animal lover, and issued a decree that no native animals were to be killed.

Within a few years, his State became overrun with tigers, and they started to decimate the population.

The people of the State rose up against the Maharajah in anger and revolt about the decree against killing wildlife, and the Maharajah had to flee for his life, abandoning his Empire and throne.

This is believed to be the first time in recorded history where the reign was cancelled because of the game.
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Old 5th May 2017, 19:44
  #10080 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: VHHH Ocean 2D
Posts: 726
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.
... ...
Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse"

Hahaha. This is so funny. Love this joke
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