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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 19th Apr 2017, 15:59
  #9981 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 65
Posts: 619
...........visited the flight deck at night and asked the Captain how he know which way to go in the dark ?

He asked her to look out of the left hand window and see if she could see the little indicator that confirmed that the red light on the wing tip was illumunated ? When she agreed he asked her to look out of the right hand window and confirm the green light ?

When she again agreed he said " Well madam, I just keep flying between them"
To which she replied "Really, well, you left the turn signal on the whole flight dipshit."
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Old 19th Apr 2017, 19:59
  #9982 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
It may have e been the same 'little old lady' who was being shown round the flight deck and asked the Captain how long it took him to learn to fly the aircraft '' all day ma'am' he replied.

"But in case we forget' he said getting out all copies of the FCOM, " we have the instructions book with us." 'Really' she said, in astonishment!
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Old 21st Apr 2017, 10:06
  #9983 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: West Wiltshire, UK
Age: 67
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by funfly View Post
Are you sure about that?

I flew his floatplane just after he converted it must have been 2004-5
For sure! I got a terrific buzz from legally flying very low a lot of the time. Even the error I made during the floatplane GFT, where I managed to run aground on a sand bank having performed a simulated emergency landing in the river, turned out to be fun. I had to get out, take my shoes off and wade in the river to turn the A/C around, then flew the rest of the test in bare feet. "Check List Gerry" didn't even pick me up on not having loudly voiced all the checks as I taxied back up river to take off again - I thought that cardinal sin would have been a failure for sure!
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Old 21st Apr 2017, 18:33
  #9984 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 915
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Old 21st Apr 2017, 23:15
  #9985 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 419
Originally Posted by VP959 View Post
I thought that cardinal sin would have been a failure for sure!
Wasn't he Bishop of Manila? Not that much of a failure
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Old 21st Apr 2017, 23:46
  #9986 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Hillsgrove
Posts: 21
For U.S. spotters of a certain age, this was really the only point of ambiguity:

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Old 22nd Apr 2017, 11:49
  #9987 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Barnes, London
Posts: 70
One early morning in Berlin I was busying myself with the pre flight checks in a Viscount , not noted for its large flight deck, when I had my encounter with the ' little old lady'!

Not being so 'little' ,she burst into the cockpit and bellowed-

"Excuse me Sonny, Is this the First Class Compartment"?

On recall, the mirth tears still flow all these years later!!
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Old 22nd Apr 2017, 23:53
  #9988 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Bedford, UK
Age: 66
Posts: 1,259
A man walked into a bar with his crocodile. He said I can't afford a drink but barman here is a bet, if the crocodile opens his jaws and I put my todger in and leave it there and hit it on its head, will you stand me a drink? Barman says ok. Bloke does as he says and hits crocodile, no effect so he gets his drink. Bar erupts in cheers.

Ok, anyone else like to try this he asks, or should I have another drink?

Little old lady at the back of the bar puts her hand up.
Lady you don't understand, you have no todger.
Oh, that's alright but please don't hit my head too hard.
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Old 23rd Apr 2017, 02:50
  #9989 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 7
I wish people would read the 502 pages before they post a joke.

This was last told on 14th March 2014. Can we please have new jokes (or at least an interesting discussion, ramble, criticism to fill in some more pages).
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Old 23rd Apr 2017, 08:56
  #9990 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 353
Originally Posted by Axerock View Post
I wish people would read the 502 pages before they post a joke.
Now you really are joking
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Old 23rd Apr 2017, 11:48
  #9991 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 71
Posts: 1,801
"Have you got anything to say for yourself?", the judge said sternly, after hearing the case.

"Stuff all", muttered the defendant.

"What did he say?", asked the judge, leaning towards the clerk of the court.

The clerk stood up, turned to the judge and whispered quietly to him, "He said 'stuff all', Your Worship!"

"That's strange," said the judge. "I'm sure I saw his lips move!"
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Old 23rd Apr 2017, 18:41
  #9992 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
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Old 24th Apr 2017, 08:13
  #9993 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 743
They're Spanish, it's not Friday, and I am just fetching my hat and coat.


Spain mocks Britain over Gibraltar claim | Daily Mail Online
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Old 24th Apr 2017, 08:26
  #9994 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 353
How much did the Mail earn from that click-bait?
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Old 24th Apr 2017, 09:59
  #9995 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 743
"Is Kim Jong Un totally sane?"
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Old 24th Apr 2017, 10:47
  #9996 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
Age: 48
Posts: 904
Originally Posted by Islandlad View Post
You need to upgrade your sex
and you need to try giving something 26-28 inches...
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Old 24th Apr 2017, 12:46
  #9997 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
A young man asked an rich, old American man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars."
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Old 24th Apr 2017, 13:45
  #9998 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: west aust'
Age: 57
Posts: 33
"my fish tastes funny - you try some"

yeah good .
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Old 24th Apr 2017, 14:02
  #9999 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 264
A man goes to a Psychologist and says "Doc, I got a real problem, I just can`t stop thinking about sex".
"Well lets see what we can find out" says the Doc, as he pulls out his box of ink blots, "What does this picture tell you" asks the Doc. The man examines the picture, turns it upside down and sideways, and finally says "Thats a man and woman on a bed having sex". "Interesting "says the Doc, "and what do you make of this second picture". Again the man examines the blot very carefully, and states once again "its a picture of a man and woman on a bed making love". The Psychologist turns to the man and says "Well it does appear that you are obsessed with sex". "Me" replied the man, "You`re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures".
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Old 24th Apr 2017, 17:46
  #10000 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 65
Posts: 2,846
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which Id accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wifes father died and left us two million dollars."
Actually he would have had $53,687,091.20 if it was a 30 day month. Significantly less for February (13,421,772.80) but much more than $1.37 or two million.

Sorry to be a pedant.
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