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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 12th Mar 2017, 03:33
  #9721 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
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Age: 79
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Old 12th Mar 2017, 11:13
  #9722 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 12th Mar 2017, 15:31
  #9723 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
George Bush goes to hell.

Satan is already there waiting for him and says 'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take. 'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Bush.

Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while. 'Oh, no,' says Bush. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.'

Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer. 'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.'

So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Bush stares at the scene with a wide smile and says: 'Ah, that I could endure!' 'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'
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Old 13th Mar 2017, 01:18
  #9724 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 158
In the year 2017, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will again start the rain unending for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark! "Noah!" He roared, "I've just started the rain but where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for an on-board sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my backyard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Council Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem as there's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Mopoke. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the the Mopokes - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued that the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang."

"The Immigration Department is checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Australian Taxation Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not now going to destroy everything?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Australian Government beat me to it."
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Old 13th Mar 2017, 05:11
  #9725 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 13th Mar 2017, 06:16
  #9726 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,569
As that "other" cartoon used to show,

"Beep beep NOW, you [email protected]@rd!"
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Old 13th Mar 2017, 06:33
  #9727 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
Age: 48
Posts: 904
Originally Posted by BlankBox View Post
Very good.
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Old 13th Mar 2017, 07:32
  #9728 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
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Old 13th Mar 2017, 09:04
  #9729 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
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Old 13th Mar 2017, 11:40
  #9730 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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Old 13th Mar 2017, 18:50
  #9731 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
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Old 14th Mar 2017, 01:34
  #9732 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
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Old 14th Mar 2017, 05:32
  #9733 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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Little-known fact #10839

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Old 14th Mar 2017, 05:52
  #9734 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: A place so nice, they named it twice
Posts: 98
She was only the Mayor's daughter
But she let the borough surveyor
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Old 14th Mar 2017, 05:53
  #9735 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: A place so nice, they named it twice
Posts: 98
She was only a woodcutter's daughter
You could hear her ring-barking for miles
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Old 14th Mar 2017, 06:42
  #9736 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
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Old 14th Mar 2017, 09:51
  #9737 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 260
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn’t take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light. [courtesy of L Dawson]
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Old 14th Mar 2017, 10:48
  #9738 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: England
Posts: 172
She was only a Florist’s daughter, but she had the best tulips in town
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Old 14th Mar 2017, 12:37
  #9739 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: N. Spain
Age: 75
Posts: 1,310
A woman walked into the village pharmacy and said:
"I´d like to buy some arsenic"
"I can´t sell you arsenic" answered the pharmacist, "what do you want it for" he asked.
"To kill my husband" she replied.
"That´s awful" he said, "No way can I sell it to you"
The women opened her purse and took out a photograph of her husband in bed with the wife of the pharmacist.
.
.
"Ah, you didn´t say you had a prescription"
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Old 14th Mar 2017, 15:40
  #9740 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
(Be careful what you ask for!)
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!"
"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, 'You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 10 stone body and said, 'I want a body like Charles Atlas.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I burst out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, 'What will be your second wish?'"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?' I looked at her and replied, 'How about a little head?'"
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