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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 21st Apr 2012, 13:28
  #941 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: southeast of the black stump
Age: 75
Posts: 56
Quite so!
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Old 21st Apr 2012, 19:04
  #942 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: 1/2 a mile to the right of 14 top end of Yeadon
Posts: 123
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home.

After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.

''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa.
''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.

You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.

''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old.

He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old.
He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

There's a dentist here -- 90 years old..
He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!

And me --

"I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F
*****g Arab".
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Old 22nd Apr 2012, 15:58
  #943 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Not far from the edge of the Milky Way Galaxy in the Orion Arm.
Posts: 510
Good Friday

Happy Easa.
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Old 22nd Apr 2012, 16:10
  #944 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Here and there...
Age: 54
Posts: 854
FlightPathOBN's post #970 is part of a far more interesting story.
That rather well endowed lass is bounced down that road and right out of her top, if you're bored you can "goo-goo image" her with the right keywords.
If you manage to find the link to the movie, please PM me, I can't find where I wrote it down....
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Old 22nd Apr 2012, 21:57
  #945 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: N Ireland
Posts: 261
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.

"When I got to the door of the plane and looked down at the ground 20,000 feet below, I froze and couldn't jump."
So the 6 ft. 7 in, black instructor unzips his fly & drops out his 12" dick & says
"if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your ring piece
Mick asks "Did you jump?".

Paddy replies "Just a little bit when it first went in..."
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Old 24th Apr 2012, 00:06
  #946 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: N Ireland
Posts: 261
Subject: Question
What would you do!

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:
You are in London .

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe
Flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing
into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar....

You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza,
the one-eyed, hook handed bastard who hates non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state!!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer
Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men!
NOW THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
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Old 24th Apr 2012, 00:50
  #947 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Germany
Age: 72
Posts: 1,561
It's all digital now anyway...

I would throw him a breeze block!
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Old 24th Apr 2012, 05:30
  #948 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Hobbit
Posts: 37
"Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?"

... maybe you could modernise that ...

"With your digital camera would you select Portrait or Sports mode?"
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Old 24th Apr 2012, 13:53
  #949 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 71
Posts: 1,768
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Old 24th Apr 2012, 20:44
  #950 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Midlands
Posts: 332
Poetry

These are allegedly entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything that you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell!'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Your turn..................
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Old 25th Apr 2012, 00:05
  #951 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,350
Kiss me

I need a laxative
lomapaseo is online now  
Old 25th Apr 2012, 07:20
  #952 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 59
Posts: 98
From today's Telegraph comments section on an article about the G spot;

"I found my wife's G spot some time ago. Who'd have thought that her sister had it all along......"
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Old 25th Apr 2012, 08:11
  #953 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
Your turn..................

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
-- Shut the fcuk up or I'll plunge this here knife.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
-- And stops me from having a nocturnal creaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
-- But you're never these things when you shag in the cot.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
-- But after we married its the swallowing I miss.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- Till I met a hot MILF...namely your mother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
-- Though roses are red and violets are blue, cease all this shit - give head and lets screw!

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
-- As I pork your sister with your tits in my face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
-- But go wash your snatch - it attracts all the flies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
-- When your girlfriend comes here and she shows me you're gay.

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
-- You fcuk even better than Eskimo Nell!

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
-- Reading Jet Blast - it corrupts over time!
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Old 25th Apr 2012, 15:10
  #954 (permalink)  
Prof. Airport Engineer
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Australia (mostly)
Posts: 726
It would be pointless to say that only married men can REALLY appreciate jethro15's post, because clearly that already applies
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Old 25th Apr 2012, 18:11
  #955 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: No longer welcome status
Posts: 0
Slasher......
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Old 25th Apr 2012, 20:29
  #956 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 170
You're my sweet, my sachertorte
but now I've met your 16-year-old daughter

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- Till I met a hot MILF...namely your mother.
Slasher I think your spoolchokker is bot working it's spelled "M I L K"
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Old 25th Apr 2012, 21:39
  #957 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 895
I've only recently discovered the meaning of MILF and I was really chuffed to hear my teenage daughter's friend say, "Your father is FILF !"

Later, I discovered they'd found my porn collection.
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Old 26th Apr 2012, 00:32
  #958 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,350
Later, I discovered they'd found my porn collection.
I think I bought it on Wee-bay
lomapaseo is online now  
Old 26th Apr 2012, 08:00
  #959 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
A young Aussie moved to London and went off to Harrods
looking for a job. The manager asked "So do you have any
sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeh - I was a salesman back in
Dubbo."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy but he got through
it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down
and asked "Ok so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales
people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the
sale for?"

"124,237.64p." he replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64!! What
the hell did you sell him?"

"Well first I sold him a small fish hook then a medium fish
hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod."

"Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so
we went down to the boat department and I sold him that
twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he did not think his
Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales
and I sold him the 4x4."

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a
guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and a 4x4?"

"No... he came in here lookin' to buy a box of tampons for
his lady friend and I said...Well, looks like your weekend's
fcuked so you might as well go fishing."
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Old 28th Apr 2012, 14:00
  #960 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Delta of Venus
Posts: 447
A young man is 2 weeks away from getting married, and one day he finds himself alone with his wife-to-be's younger, hotter, fitter sister. She starts coming on to him, and with an alluring look suggests to him that they could pop up to the bedroom for a bit of no strings sexy pre-marital fun....
The young man is amazed and considers the offer, but then turns around and walks out of the house. Standing outside is his wife-to-be and her parents, all with big smiles on their faces. "Congratulations!" says his future father in law, "you've passed our little loyalty test, we can now totally welcome you as a trusted member of our family". They all step forward and hug the young man.

So gentlemen, what is the moral of this story?

Yes, thats right. Always leave your condoms in the car.
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