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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 10th Feb 2017, 13:07
  #9561 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
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Old 10th Feb 2017, 13:26
  #9562 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
From the annals of Viz (Apologies for aviation content)

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Old 10th Feb 2017, 13:59
  #9563 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
Harry got a job as a bus driver and on his first morning he just sat
at the depot waiting. The bus inspector came over to see what the
problem was.
Harry said; " l'm waiting for the conductor."
The inspector informed him that all the buses were now one man buses. So Harry drives off in the double decker bus. Twenty minutes later there is a call to the depot, one of the buses has been involved in a road traffic accident. The inspector goes down to the crash and there is Harry and his wrecked bus. "Harry!" cried the inspector. "How did this happen!"
Harry shrugged his shoulders, "To be honest, l really don't know. l was upstairs collecting fares at the time."
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Old 11th Feb 2017, 09:11
  #9564 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,166
Limerick

There was a young man from Gwent
Whose c0ck was incredibly bent.
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
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Old 11th Feb 2017, 09:56
  #9565 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
I wonder what the Advertising Standards people would have made of this?

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Old 11th Feb 2017, 10:00
  #9566 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 74
Posts: 236
Here's something that's absolutely vital in this modern world:-

Mens Foreplay Timer

Not sure how they came up with the odd price - conversion of 69 Yen, perhaps?
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Old 11th Feb 2017, 10:58
  #9567 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by UniFoxOs View Post
Here's something that's absolutely vital in this modern world:-

Mens Foreplay Timer

Not sure how they came up with the odd price - conversion of 69 Yen, perhaps?
There must be mobile app for this!
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Old 11th Feb 2017, 12:08
  #9568 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
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Old 11th Feb 2017, 19:46
  #9569 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
A racist joke:

A racist walks into a crowded bar. He looks around and sees a black man sitting in a corner. The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, “I’m going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!”
Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the last pint, the black man turns around, puts his thumb up and says, “Thanks mate!”
The racist is slightly puzzled by his reaction but doesn’t pay too much attention to it.
The next night, the racist goes into the same bar and again, there is the same black guy sitting in the corner, so the racist again goes to the bar, turns around and says, “I’m going to buy everyone here a free drink, except for that black guy over there!” The patrons are all ecstatic and are hugging and cheering the racist for his generosity.
When he buys the last pint, the black guy turns around, puts his thumb up and says, “Thanks mate!”
The racist scratches his head and asks the barman, “Why is that black guy thanking me when he’s the only person I’m not buying drinks for?”
“Didn't you know?” the barman responds, “He owns this place.”
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Old 11th Feb 2017, 20:14
  #9570 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,622
Aircrew Attitude

After his aircraft was hit and he was forced to eject, the RAF navigator finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain, in Intensive Care with tubes/IV drips in both arms, an oxygen mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was an RAF warrior, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he bravely managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your tits, then?"


………………….and that, my friends is the true positive Aircrew Attitude.
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Old 11th Feb 2017, 21:30
  #9571 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
My missus has asked me to get her something silky for Valentine's day,
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong feckin colour!!
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Old 11th Feb 2017, 21:43
  #9572 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
One year my wife whispered that she wanted an animal skin coat for Valentines day, then she got upset when I got her a donkey jacket.

The next year she wanted something that went from 0 to 100 in a few seconds, obviously a set of bathroom scales was not what she had in mind.
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Old 11th Feb 2017, 23:05
  #9573 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 483
My wife asked me "Why won't you buy me a fur coat? I'm so cold."

I said "If you knew the answer, why'd you ask the question?"
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Old 12th Feb 2017, 00:03
  #9574 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
Cheer up! Spring is just around the corner

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Old 12th Feb 2017, 14:32
  #9575 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
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Old 14th Feb 2017, 14:03
  #9576 (permalink)  

Gentleman Aviator
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Teetering Towers - somewhere in the Shires
Age: 70
Posts: 3,392
Booked a table for two for a romantic evening out tonight with Milady Teeters.........



........... turns out she can't play snooker!
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Old 15th Feb 2017, 10:19
  #9577 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf. The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favourites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
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Old 16th Feb 2017, 09:08
  #9578 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Slovakia
Age: 54
Posts: 142
What does that button...

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Old 16th Feb 2017, 09:31
  #9579 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Budapest
Posts: 0
Seen on Twitter -

"Really disappointed today, been to see La La Land - I thought it was about a Controller with a stutter- gutted"
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Old 16th Feb 2017, 10:55
  #9580 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 74
Posts: 236
No, that's THIS one.
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