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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 7th Feb 2017, 17:26
  #9541 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 536
A Methodist Minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were walking down the beach one day when they found a wallet stuffed with cash. On discussing what they should do with it the Priest said,

"let's draw a circle in the sand, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle we keep and what falls outside the circle we give to god".

"No, no, no" said the Methodist Minister "let's draw a circle in the sand and throw the cash into the air, whatever falls outside the circle we keep, and the rest we give to god".

Finally the Rabbi spoke "let's just throw the money into the air, and whatever god wants, he can keep".
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Old 7th Feb 2017, 18:18
  #9542 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 536
A man is walking down a beach when he spies a brass lantern sticking out of the sand, fancying his luck he gives the lamp a rub and sure enough out pops a genie.

"I am the Genie of the lamp and you are now my master, I will grant you any wish you desire".

"Lovely !" says the man "there is something I have always wanted. You see me and the wife like taking our holidays in America, but we hate flying and the wife doesn't much like boats either you see. So my wish is that you build us a road across the Atlantic so that we can drive there".

"Are you mad" said the Genie, "do you realise the engineering challenges that a project like that would face? Why, just the materials requirements alone would make it completely unrealistic - you'll just have to choose something else".

"Oh, ok" said the man, "well I suppose I have always wanted to know how a woman's mind works".

"Oh for f***s sake" replied the Genie, "so this road, you want 2 lanes or 4 ?"
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Old 7th Feb 2017, 18:51
  #9543 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 58
Posts: 85
Just heard on radio 4;

"I want to die like my grandfather; peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in the car he was driving."
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Old 8th Feb 2017, 00:49
  #9544 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Oneonta, NY
Age: 64
Posts: 52
I think that was one of Bob Monkhouse's, wasn't it, and it was a bus, IIRC?
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Old 8th Feb 2017, 10:07
  #9545 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
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Originally Posted by malcolm380 View Post
I think that was one of Bob Monkhouse's, wasn't it, and it was a bus, IIRC?
I think it was 747
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Old 8th Feb 2017, 10:23
  #9546 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 318
I think it was Cicero, and a chariot.
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Old 8th Feb 2017, 17:37
  #9547 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
A lovely lady named Sally
stripped at the Working Men’s Palais,
She got lots of applause
When she took off her draws,
‘Cos the hair on her head didn’t tally!

Last edited by funfly; 8th Feb 2017 at 17:40. Reason: taken from a 1958 postcard.
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Old 8th Feb 2017, 17:43
  #9548 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 8th Feb 2017, 21:40
  #9549 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,131
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the U.N.


The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible
solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world."

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America and Russia they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
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Old 8th Feb 2017, 22:08
  #9550 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
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Old 8th Feb 2017, 23:00
  #9551 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: QLD - where drivers are yet to realise that the left lane goes to their destination too.
Posts: 2,143
Sadly, in regards to my Ford, it would be mandatory fitment.
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Old 9th Feb 2017, 08:29
  #9552 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 53
If you can't afford a car get a Ford.
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Old 9th Feb 2017, 11:38
  #9553 (permalink)  

Only half a speed-brake
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Commuting home
Age: 41
Posts: 2,585
16473891_1257818337621152_4255649412232070820_n.jpg
Please lengthen your message to at least 10 characters.
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Old 9th Feb 2017, 11:44
  #9554 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022
A Ford a car?
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Old 9th Feb 2017, 11:48
  #9555 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
Age: 75
Posts: 1,859
The Ford is my car;
I shall not want another.
It maketh me to lie down in wet places;
It soileth my soul;
It leadeth me into deep waters;
It leadeth me into paths of ridicule for its namesake;
It prepareth a breakdown for me in the presence of mine enemies.
Yea, though I run through the valleys, I am towed up the hill;
I fear great evil when it is with me.
Its rods and its engines discomfort me;
It annointeth my face with oil;
Its tank runneth over.
Surely to goodness if this thing follow me all the days of my life,
I shall dwell in the house of the insane forever.
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Old 9th Feb 2017, 15:28
  #9556 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,622
Please lengthen your message to at least 10 characters.
A time expired Mig 15 and a pirated RR Nene jet engine.
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Old 9th Feb 2017, 19:49
  #9557 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
Parking a trailer whilst being watched...
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Old 10th Feb 2017, 06:27
  #9558 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
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Old 10th Feb 2017, 08:20
  #9559 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
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Old 10th Feb 2017, 08:36
  #9560 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
I think they were laughing at Volkswagens claimed emmision figures.
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