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Friday Jokes

Old 21st Jan 2017, 15:31
  #9481 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: surrey, in the Hills
Posts: 1
A tad late perhaps but more than an element of truth methinks

How do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close
to call? With an fishing contest in northern Wisconsin in January, of
course!

After the final votes were counted, Hillary and Donald were
deadlocked. Instead of going through a recount, they agreed to a
week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught
the most fish at the end of the week would be the President.

They decided that a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be
the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both would
need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5 pm.

At the end of Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary
came back with nothing.

Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once
again came back with nothing.

That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of
being a “low-life, cheating son-of-a-gun.” Instead of fishing on Day
3, they were going to follow and spy on him and figure out how he was
cheating.

Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total!
That night, Hillary and her democratic cohorts got together for the
full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her
report and said, “You are not going to believe this! He’s cutting
holes in the ice!”

This story tells you all you need to know about the difference between
a successful businessman and a career government politician
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Old 21st Jan 2017, 22:38
  #9482 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: surrey, in the Hills
Posts: 1
Barry who?
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Old 22nd Jan 2017, 08:47
  #9483 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
Age: 81
Posts: 45
True story (hope I haven't posted this one before!):-
Gave my grand-daughter an aquarium for her 15th birthday, plus cash to buy some fish. But the shop told her they were not "allowed" to sell live fish to under 18s.
Her response, "You mean I can have a baby next year, but have to wait a further two years before I can have a goldfish?"
This grandfather was vv surprised to learn that raising goldfish is so much more complicated and onerous than raising children.
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Old 22nd Jan 2017, 09:30
  #9484 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,206
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Old 22nd Jan 2017, 11:22
  #9485 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: QLD - where drivers are yet to realise that the left lane goes to their destination too.
Posts: 2,163
Answer: Whatever I want.
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Old 22nd Jan 2017, 16:34
  #9486 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,846
The head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

The brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

The brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

The brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"A Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"

"Well, since no one else was having beer I didn't want to be the only one," he replied.
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Old 22nd Jan 2017, 16:35
  #9487 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
Basil: Damn! I was going to bid for the film rights to the whole true story and sell it to Robert Redford. Now it's more like Chevy Chase.

Last edited by RAT 5; 23rd Jan 2017 at 14:29.
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Old 22nd Jan 2017, 20:15
  #9488 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
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Old 22nd Jan 2017, 22:16
  #9489 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."
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Old 23rd Jan 2017, 14:31
  #9490 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
Political mémoires. "How to get a head and succeed in Washington." by Monica .....who? Check the spelling.
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Old 23rd Jan 2017, 20:27
  #9491 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Little Johnny, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned."
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Old 23rd Jan 2017, 20:42
  #9492 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
A duck walks into a pub and asks for a pint and a packet of crisps.

The barman is gobsmacked! "You can talk"

"Of course I can"

"What are you doing around here?" says the publican.

"I'm working at the new building site up the road and have about 5 months work here"

The man is astonished and asks "What do you do?"

"I'm a plasterer" says the duck.

"I've never met a duck that could talk, never mind working as a plasterer" he replies.

Anyway, the duck comes in every day for a pint and the weeks soon fly by.

One day the circus comes to town and the Ringmaster goes into the pub.
The publican can't wait to tell him about the talking duck.

Later that day the duck appears and orders his pint and the barman, smiling from ear to ear says, "I've just had the Ringmaster from the circus in here, and he said he would employ you immediately and give you top wages"

The duck says, "The Ringmaster....Does he not run a circus?"

"That's correct" says the man.

"The circus! Isn't that where they have that big tent they put up and down all the time?"

"Yes" says the man.

"So what the hell do they want with a plasterer?"
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Old 24th Jan 2017, 18:31
  #9493 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
An honest motto for a Search & Rescue team

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Old 25th Jan 2017, 11:05
  #9494 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
Posts: 61
The one time my mother called me a son of a bitch, I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, then I hit myself because no one hits my mother, she then hit me because no one hits her son and then hit herself because no one hits me, so I hit her because no one hits my mother ....
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Old 25th Jan 2017, 11:33
  #9495 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen, is it yours?"

Mick replies,"don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "yes it is."

Paddy asks, "how do you know?" Mick replies,"that's my handwriting."
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Old 25th Jan 2017, 14:26
  #9496 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
Takan: was this incestuous boxing match won on points or seniority.
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Old 25th Jan 2017, 20:11
  #9497 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
Posts: 61
Let you know when it's over.
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Old 26th Jan 2017, 15:29
  #9498 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.1415926 meters long?
A πthon
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Old 27th Jan 2017, 16:18
  #9499 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
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Old 27th Jan 2017, 21:47
  #9500 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,206
How many grammar nazis does it take to change a light bulb?

- Who care's?
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