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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 17th Jan 2017, 12:31
  #9461 (permalink)  

Ich bin ein Prooner.
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Home of the Full Monty.
Posts: 503
A youth was driving his car along a road in a perfectly safe manner, moving along at 29.5 miles an hour, obeying all the road signs, etc., being very courteous to other road users and pedestrians.
A police car, following behind, observed all of this, and being of a suspicious nature, the officers in the car decided that something was amiss with the driver of the car, and it was time to pull him over, and find out why he was driving the way he was, trying not to raise their curiosity.
They examined all the lads documents, all of which were in order. He had a clean, valid licence. The car was comprehensively insured, and had a new MOT.
In fact, the officers couldn't find anything at all, so they charged him with wasting police time.
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Old 17th Jan 2017, 12:49
  #9462 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
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A message just popped up on my monitor telling me that I need to replace the cyan cartridge in my printer.

It was completely out of the blue.
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Old 17th Jan 2017, 15:55
  #9463 (permalink)  
 
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The old ones are the best ones ....

Don Rickles, the "insult comedian, Mr. Warmth," told that one about Frank Sinatra.

Rickles approached Sinatra in a restaurant, telling him that it would be great if Sinatra could stop by Rickles' table on his way out to say hello, since Rickles would be dining with a girl he wanted to impress.

When Sinatra did so Rickles said "Frank! Can't you see that I am eating?"
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Old 17th Jan 2017, 16:45
  #9464 (permalink)  
 
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As Frank said, "I pity the guys who don't drink; when they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Just one more for my baby, and one for the road.
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Old 17th Jan 2017, 16:57
  #9465 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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A politician, a reporter and a soldier were captured by Daesh and told they were to be beheaded. All 3 were offered a last request before the deed was done.
The politician asked that he could hear "the international" one last time. A recording of the communist anthem was duly found and played out to the teary-eyed leftie.
The reporter requested that he be allowed to address the camera used to record the executions so that he got his face on TV even after he died. The terrorists agreed to this.
The soldier simply asked that each of the terrorists present gave him a kick up the arse before he was beheaded. Bemused, they did as he asked. As the last extremist boot went in, the soldier pitched forward, rolled, whipped out the browning 9mm he had concealed in his trousers and started shooting till he ran out of ammo. Grabbing an AK-47 from the dead terrorist, he calmly finished off his would-be executioners before pulling out a Cuban cigar and lighting it from his hot gun barrel.
The amazed reporter and politician thanked the soldier profusely but were puzzled as to why he had asked for the arse-kicking before he performed his heroics.
"Well", said the soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I can't have you two stringing me up for an unprovoked attack."
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Old 17th Jan 2017, 17:37
  #9466 (permalink)  
Just another erk
 
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ricardian: like that one funny but true.
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Old 17th Jan 2017, 20:01
  #9467 (permalink)  
 
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Old 17th Jan 2017, 22:14
  #9468 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
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Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.


"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.


I can't recall if this has been on here or not. If so, sorry for the dupe.
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Old 18th Jan 2017, 03:06
  #9469 (permalink)  
 
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Remember "Wimpy"? No chips but fried potatoes.

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Old 18th Jan 2017, 03:26
  #9470 (permalink)  
 
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Was Wimpy the friend of Popeye, or Joe Palooka?
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Old 18th Jan 2017, 04:32
  #9471 (permalink)  
 
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A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant:
“What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price".
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Old 18th Jan 2017, 06:01
  #9472 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: California
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Was Wimpy the friend of Popeye, or Joe Palooka?
Popeye. He was famous for two quotes: "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today" and "I'd like to invite you over to my house for a duck dinner. You bring the ducks!"
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Old 18th Jan 2017, 09:49
  #9473 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Hertfordshire
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Originally Posted by Ascend Charlie View Post
Was Wimpy the friend of Popeye, or Joe Palooka?
Aeronautical sidetrack warning!
The character J Wellington Wimpy, as in Popeye, is the reason a certain Vickers bomber was known as the Wimpy - well-known to those of us of a certain age of course.
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Old 18th Jan 2017, 10:49
  #9474 (permalink)  
 
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OK, so who was Joe Palooka's sidekick, who rode a bicycle with a house on the back of it?

(Too lazy to Gurgle it...)
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Old 18th Jan 2017, 12:03
  #9475 (permalink)  
 
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Location: surrey, in the Hills
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A routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," declared the man with pride. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
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Old 18th Jan 2017, 13:26
  #9476 (permalink)  
 
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Old 18th Jan 2017, 16:43
  #9477 (permalink)  
 
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who rode a bicycle with a house on the back of it?

M'shell Wiggins.
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Old 19th Jan 2017, 10:33
  #9478 (permalink)  
 
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Age: 76
Posts: 807
Killer escaped prison after being issued picture of master key to all locks
A former prison officer said the design of the master key - which could open every lock in Berrimah jail in Darwin - was printed on the front of the prisoners' information handbook.
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Old 19th Jan 2017, 10:42
  #9479 (permalink)  
RJM
 
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Location: Orstralia
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It's old, but funny:

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior"widows, are talking.

Dorothy:
"That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.I know you went out with him last week, and
I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna:
"Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my house punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a
fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers ! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there ;
a limousine,uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner,
lobster,champagne,dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure ! So then we are coming
back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.Completely crazy, he tears off my
expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy:
"Goodness gracious ! So you are telling me I shouldn't go ?"

Edna:
"No, no, no, I'm just saying wear an old dress."
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Old 20th Jan 2017, 17:05
  #9480 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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It's no more than would be expected:

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