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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 15th Jan 2017, 08:38
  #9421 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,204
My new horoscope column



Do you think it will catch on?

PDR
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 09:52
  #9422 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
Schools in UK had a weather forecasting competition between themselves and the UK Met office. The winning school, non-experts, with 50% accuracy was "tomorrow will be the same as today."

Last edited by RAT 5; 15th Jan 2017 at 16:53.
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 10:31
  #9423 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 322
Actually, to give the Met office their due their predictions for the next day or two are now generally pretty accurate.
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 11:35
  #9424 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: East Angular - apparently!
Posts: 624
Re overheard in Waitrose: (this is true)

Having spent some time wandering around the fresh meat section, I went to the customer service desk at my local Waitrose last week and asked where I would find the Chateaubriand.

"Have you tried the wine section?" was the reply.
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 16:08
  #9425 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,204
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog & Schrödinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was in or not.

PDR
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 18:12
  #9426 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022
Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are driving down the road.
An officer pulls Heisenberg over and asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I'm going." The officer says, "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg says "Great, now I'm lost..." Then the officer, thinking this is suspicious, asks him to pop the trunk. The officer says "Hey, do y'all know there's a dead cat in here?" Shrödinger says, "We do now, asshole!" The officer says "I give up. I'm arresting you." Ohm resists.
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 18:26
  #9427 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Dorset
Age: 66
Posts: 18
OK here goes.

Two salmon were swimming up the river to the spawning ground.

About a third of the way up they looked at each other, and one said "You look as exhausted as I feel. Let's just stop here and have a wank".
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 21:02
  #9428 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: North Queensland, Australia
Posts: 2,865
Ohm resists.
As he hadn't done anything wrong, Pauli asked to be excluded.
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 21:42
  #9429 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
Age: 81
Posts: 44
True story for BL:-
Wishing to restore my decrepit pergola, I went to a garden centre and asked if they had any bits for repairing one.
"Oh yes, replied the sales assistant, that's a Spanish lawnmower, isn't it?"
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 23:05
  #9430 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
Posts: 1,243
Ohm resists.
Ampere just went with the current. Volta thought that situation had great potential.
radeng is offline  
Old 15th Jan 2017, 23:23
  #9431 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
Age: 75
Posts: 1,859
And there were several people whose ideas amounted to reluctance.
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Old 15th Jan 2017, 23:54
  #9432 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 322
And what induced you into this field?
Sallyann1234 is offline  
Old 16th Jan 2017, 03:29
  #9433 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,806
I just can't wait to hear more of these electrifying jokes.
onetrack is offline  
Old 16th Jan 2017, 06:50
  #9434 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
Let's decide this story has become terminal and disconnected; or we can short it out to stop further sparks of hair raising anecdotes.
RAT 5 is offline  
Old 16th Jan 2017, 06:54
  #9435 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 472
I think I've exceeded my capacitance.
Hydromet is offline  
Old 16th Jan 2017, 06:54
  #9436 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
I am shocked at the potential difference in this conversation....
Walking Ballast is offline  
Old 16th Jan 2017, 07:12
  #9437 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
Age: 85
Posts: 15
I've just blown my fuse.
ExSp33db1rd is offline  
Old 16th Jan 2017, 08:09
  #9438 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,204
Resistance is futile, but reluctance can be alluring when it leads to ultimate susceptance.

It's the way I tell 'em

PDR
PDR1 is offline  
Old 16th Jan 2017, 09:14
  #9439 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
Posts: 61
You lot orta be charged.
Takan Inchovit is offline  
Old 16th Jan 2017, 09:17
  #9440 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Simply Towers.
Posts: 1
And placed in a dry cell.
Simplythebeast is offline  

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