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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 7th Jan 2017, 20:55
  #9361 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 21:53
  #9362 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
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For anyone looking for an alternative for Friday Jokes on JB.

I have 'friended' Trump on F*c*b**k and you have to believe it's a laugh a minute. Not just his accusations of others and comments but the replies posted by his fellow Americans.

Wow, this man will rule the world

FF
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 22:27
  #9363 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
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Wow, this man will rule the world
Alone? I hope he will share it with his friend
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Old 8th Jan 2017, 02:54
  #9364 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
Posts: 35
why does this remind me of the Presidential Election?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3y1tSHOcSQ
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Old 8th Jan 2017, 08:21
  #9365 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
Age: 85
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I always enjoy the 'can you lend me tuppence to call a friend?'
When I first joined the airline world - circa 1950's - there was a story going around about a Pakistani who had gone into the Regent Street ticket office with a large jam jar full of coins that he had collected on some pub's bar counter. I'm sure many will remember such jars, for various "good causes" ?

He asked for a ticket to Karachi, and poured all the coins on the counter, which were duly counted, but he was sixpence short, so he went outside and stopped the first man who passed by and begged sixpence to buy a ticket back to Pakistan.

The man gave him half-a-crown and said - "Welcome, keep the change and take 4 of your friends with you. ! "
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Old 8th Jan 2017, 15:46
  #9366 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 31
Going to bed the other night, I noticed some people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area to help. The policeman said they would send some-one over as soon as possible.
I hung up.
A minute later I rang again.

'Hello', I said, 'I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them.'



Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: 'I thought you said you'd shot them.'

To which I replied: 'I thought you said there was no one available.'
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Old 8th Jan 2017, 16:56
  #9367 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022
When your mother sent you to clean the carpet...

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Old 8th Jan 2017, 17:02
  #9368 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
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It's just as well that was only a joke, or you would have been charged with wasting police time.
Werll, of course, when I really do shoot a burglar I won't be calling plod. I know a very deep water-filled hole locally....
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Old 8th Jan 2017, 18:12
  #9369 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Norfolk
Age: 63
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Pig farm is better, almost no remains and it mucks up the DNA.
G0ULI is offline  
Old 8th Jan 2017, 18:46
  #9370 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 7
no one has mentioned tripe for a long time
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Old 8th Jan 2017, 19:08
  #9371 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
Age: 72
Posts: 721
Good point re the pig farm.
I believe the tool of choice among the gangland fraternity is a wood chipper.
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Old 8th Jan 2017, 19:33
  #9372 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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Age: 73
Posts: 236
Pig farm is better, almost no remains and it mucks up the DNA.
Didn't work for Tony Martin (tho' he didn't handle it right) but was a bit more effective in the case of Mrs McKay.
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Old 8th Jan 2017, 22:04
  #9373 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Perth Australia
Age: 75
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To use a chipper it is best to deep freeze them first, makes the chipper smell better afterwards?????

from my tree surgeon

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Old 8th Jan 2017, 22:28
  #9374 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: QLD - where drivers are yet to realise that the left lane goes to their destination too.
Posts: 2,155
I reckon the carpet won on a points decision.
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Old 9th Jan 2017, 00:01
  #9375 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,806
"What have you done to yourself?"

"I've been fighting this carpet all morning, it just won't give up".
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Old 9th Jan 2017, 04:11
  #9376 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: PUDBY
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I believe the tool of choice among the gangland fraternity is a wood chipper.
It certainly worked well for the guy in Fargo...
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Old 9th Jan 2017, 17:49
  #9377 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 7
Time to add more waffle then.

How about we go back to tripe!
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Old 9th Jan 2017, 17:56
  #9378 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
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Tripe?

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Old 9th Jan 2017, 18:56
  #9379 (permalink)  
 
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Old 9th Jan 2017, 22:13
  #9380 (permalink)  
 
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