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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 6th Jan 2017, 22:24
  #9341 (permalink)  
 
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Originally appeared sometime in about the 1920s with George Bernard Shaw - he who described dancing as 'vertical expression of horizontal desire'.
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Old 6th Jan 2017, 22:36
  #9342 (permalink)  
 
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There is a proof that Putin hacked US election:

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Old 7th Jan 2017, 02:41
  #9343 (permalink)  
 
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The wife said she was feeling light-headed because of a low iron level.
So to help her I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.
Sometimes I get no thanks in this house
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 02:53
  #9344 (permalink)  
 
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I have something in common with Mariah Carey...

I don't know the words to her songs either.
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 08:45
  #9345 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by RAT 5 View Post
Winston Churchill was in USA to receive his honorary citizenship. He was at a cocktail party and was cornered by Gloria Venderbelt. She suggested to Winston, "what a shame you were not born in the USA, we'd met, married and had such wonderful children with your brains & my beauty."
"Oh my dear, but what if they'd had your brains & my beauty? Better I was born in UK."
I have to point out that that is a recycled version of an exchange between the actress Mrs Patrick Campbell and (George) Bernard Shaw (allegedly)
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 08:56
  #9346 (permalink)  
 
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And don't let's get into Bessie Braddock/Churchill and the ugly/drunk exchange!
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 09:00
  #9347 (permalink)  
 
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And don't let's get into Bessie Braddock/Churchill and the ugly/drunk exchange!

I can't because I've forgotten it. Drinking too much.
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 10:19
  #9348 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by RAT 5 View Post
And don't let's get into Bessie Braddock/Churchill and the ugly/drunk exchange!

I can't because I've forgotten it. Drinking too much.
I inherited all of the books Churchill ever wrote, as my father was an enormous fan of the man. Reading them, including his autobiography, I can well believe that he was a phenomenal source of quips and anecdotes. The fact so many of them have passed into popular mythology is, perhaps, a testament to that.
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 11:11
  #9349 (permalink)  
 
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I always enjoy the 'can you lend me tuppence to call a friend?'
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 11:39
  #9350 (permalink)  
 
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Kids: you've got to love their logic & innocence.

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is that possible?
Kid: He became my father when I was born and I’m 6.

You’ve got to love the logic.

Teacher: Maria, go to the wall map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is, ma’am.
Teacher: Correct, well done. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria----chorus.

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile’?
Glenn: K R O K O D I A L.
Teacher: That’s not correct Glenn.
Glenn: May be it’s not correct, but you asked how ‘I’ spell it.

Wonderful!

Teacher: Donald; what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: HIJKLMNO.
Teacher: What on earth do you mean?
Donald: Well yesterday you told us it was H to O.

Teacher: Clyde: your essay on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his work?
Clyde: No sir, it’s the same dog.

Such clear thinking.

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps talking when no-one is interested any longer?
Harold: A teacher, miss.

And he was last seen disappearing over the horizon at speed.


We can add to this the classic Eric Morecambe Grieg's piano concerto with Andre Previn.

Andre: Eric: what are you playing?
Eric: Grieg's Piano Concerto.
Andre: But you're playing all the wrong notes.
Eric: Look sunshine; I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily all in the right order.

Sunshine as always.

Last edited by RAT 5; 7th Jan 2017 at 13:00.
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 12:49
  #9351 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by RAT 5 View Post
We can add to this the classic Eric Morecambe Grieg's piano concerto with Andre Previn.
Andrew Preview
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 13:24
  #9352 (permalink)  
 
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That's MISTER Preview to you, sunshine...

PDR
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 13:28
  #9353 (permalink)  
 
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From my (then 11 year old) daughter on the third morning of heavy snow after the school had been closed for the first two:

[Me] "Come on, up you get; their website says the school is open today!"

[Her] "But Dad - you're always telling us not to believe what we read on the internet..."

PDR
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 13:56
  #9354 (permalink)  
 
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But Dad - you're always telling us not to believe what we read on the internet...
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 14:02
  #9355 (permalink)  
 
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"Never believe what you read on the internet"

- Abraham Lincoln
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 16:16
  #9356 (permalink)  
 
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https://www.facebook.com/CollegeHumo...4300448557807/
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 17:01
  #9357 (permalink)  
 
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Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 18:09
  #9358 (permalink)  
 
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When he saw the crowd, Jesus went to the mountain. And when he was seated disciples came to him. He looked up at them and said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Blessed are those who suffer because they will be comforted. Blessed are the sweet, for they shall possess the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are those who have a pure heart because they will contemplate God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for having chosen the just cause, for the kingdom of God belongs to them. "

Then Simon Peter said, "Shall we learn all that stuff?"
And Andrew said, "Should we write it down?"
And Philip says, "I have no paper."
And John said, "The other disciples did not have to learn it!"
And Bartholomew said, "Will we have it as homework?"
And James said, "Tomorrow will be test on it?"
And Mark said, "Will it be scored?"
And Mathieu left the mountain without waiting and said: "Can I go to the toilet?"
And Simon the Zealot said: "When we will have lunch?"
And Judas finally said: "you said what after poor?"


Then a high priest of the temple approached Jesus and said, "What was your problem? What were your objectives and the know-how implemented? Why did not you put the disciples into group activity? Why this frontal pedagogy? "
Then Jesus sat and wept.
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 19:40
  #9359 (permalink)  
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Then Jesus sat and wept.
and said "Blessed are they who expect nothing, for thay shall not be disappointed".
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Old 7th Jan 2017, 19:48
  #9360 (permalink)  
 
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