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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 2nd Jan 2017, 03:33
  #9301 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
My New Year resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent
7. Learn to count
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Old 2nd Jan 2017, 10:46
  #9302 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Forced retirement
Posts: 1,157
Kulver, am I right in thinking that the troops are Ukrainians carrying guns that are only issued to Russian Forces and that any suggestion that they are in fact troops from 45th Guards Separate Reconnaissance Regiment of VDV" based in Kubinka, Moscow, is just a rumour?


In answer to the question of the presence of Russian troops in Crimea, Russian Minister of Defence Sergey Shoygu said, "Regarding the statements about use of Russian special forces in Ukrainian events, I can only say one thing – it's hard to search for a black cat in a dark room, especially if it's not there," and added cryptically that searching for the cat would be "stupid" if the cat is "intelligent, brave, and polite",[24][25] from whence the expression "polite men" originated.

Last edited by blue up; 2nd Jan 2017 at 11:12.
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Old 3rd Jan 2017, 07:23
  #9303 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
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Old 3rd Jan 2017, 11:52
  #9304 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 1,522
I was after a job on a local farm and I thought if I took his disabled daughter out on a date, I'd stand a better chance of getting the job. I asked the farmer if that would be OK and he said as long as she was up for it, which she was, then it was fine with him. As she was in a wheel-chair, I borrowed my dad's estate car and off we went. We had a great night out and although she was very good looking, I didn't think that it would go any further because of her disability. We left the club and as I settled into my seat after putting her wheelchair in the back, she leaned over and kissed me grabbing my crotch at the same time. "Do you fancy a ****?" She asked. As I said, she was very attractive and I would have been mad to say no but I was unsure how this would work out. I told he that I didn't know how we could do it but she told me to drive to a field by her house and park up in the gate way. This I did then she told me to carry her into the field where I would find a tree with a "Y" in the lower branches and I could place her there and have my way with her from behind. This I did and spent the next hour shagging the arse off her. Afterwards, I lifted her down, put her back in the car and drove her home. I pulled up at the front door and the farmer came rushing out and, grabbing me by the shoulders, gave me a big hug and thanked me for bringing her home safe. I explained that I was a gentleman and what else could I have done? To which he informed me that "Everyone else, always leaves her in the tree!"
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Old 3rd Jan 2017, 16:22
  #9305 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 652
Noticed they are showing Scorsese's new film at the local complex.

There was a lot of fanfare about the release of this film, but since then,
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Old 3rd Jan 2017, 16:59
  #9306 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Glens o' Angus by way of LA
Age: 56
Posts: 1,974
Sound familiar ?


IMG_0098.jpg
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Old 4th Jan 2017, 12:52
  #9307 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022
I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".
I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
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Old 4th Jan 2017, 13:02
  #9308 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,031
Had trouble with HR Dept in new job in sewage farm.

Filling in the form and when got to
"Person to contact in event of Accident"..........................
They deemed
"Closest person to me to drag me out of the sh1t" as insufficient.

Making the point that, person I replaced had drowned after falling in, HR took ages to call up this guys mother while he sinking in sh1t, HR just said "Its company policy".
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Old 4th Jan 2017, 14:17
  #9309 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 652
Worker in a Scottish distillery actually fell into a vat of whisky and drowned. They say he kept climbing out for a piss though before he finally died.
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Old 4th Jan 2017, 14:20
  #9310 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,031
Worker died in a Nescafe Coffee factory couple of weeks ago........ Company said he didn't suffer as it was Instant.
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Old 4th Jan 2017, 14:40
  #9311 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wild West Yorkshire
Age: 57
Posts: 3
Worker in a Scottish distillery actually fell into a vat of whisky and drowned. They say he kept climbing out for a piss though before he finally died.
The cremation took 6 hours to put out, and they had to beat his liver to death with a stick.
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Old 4th Jan 2017, 14:52
  #9312 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: surrey, in the Hills
Posts: 1
There was this couple that was married for 10 years, and had a fine love life, with one exception - every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights all the way.

Well, at first it wasn't so annoying, but after 20 years of marriage the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. frustrated woman

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a specially made pleasure device. She got very angry. "You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him, "How could you have been lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly,

I'll explain the toy if you can explain the kids
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Old 4th Jan 2017, 16:44
  #9313 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
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Old 4th Jan 2017, 16:56
  #9314 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Budapest
Posts: 0
Originally Posted by racedo View Post
Worker died in a Nescafe Coffee factory couple of weeks ago........ Company said he didn't suffer as it was Instant.
Full roast or decoffinated?
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Old 4th Jan 2017, 17:39
  #9315 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
Today marks a full year without drinking a drop of alcohol or any kind of wine! Six months of eating seven fruits and veggies a day, drinking 10 glasses of water, no carbs, and no red meat. Lots of 8 hour sleeps. The change in my body has been fantastic! I feel great, I lost weight, and my way of thinking is very positive! I'm looking to keep this up, and go for more, because I choose to! No alcohol, eating healthy, lots of sleep and above all, an hour of exercise every day!


I have no idea whose status this is but I was SO happy for them that I copied and pasted it!
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Old 4th Jan 2017, 20:34
  #9316 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
I have no idea whose status this is but I was SO happy for them that I copied and pasted it!


There have been so many people we hear about who led the ultra healthy sporting life who fell over <60. There have been the opposite (Winston C himself) who led some of the most stressful active lives ever and lived beyond 4 score. Who's to know the truth.
As Frank S once said, "I pity those who don't drink because when they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Cheers.
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Old 4th Jan 2017, 20:36
  #9317 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
From #9321:

"No, Ma'am, that's "khat""

"Oh I'm so glad; I just heard they are going to keep 4 paws/fingers in Kitty Kat. Wonderful, don't you know."
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Old 5th Jan 2017, 12:27
  #9318 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022


I wonder what play is it from.
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Old 5th Jan 2017, 12:31
  #9319 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,206
A comedy of errors?

PDR
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Old 5th Jan 2017, 12:33
  #9320 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wild West Yorkshire
Age: 57
Posts: 3
(Apple) Macbeth?
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