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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 30th Dec 2016, 10:38
  #9261 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know
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Old 30th Dec 2016, 18:05
  #9262 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022
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Old 30th Dec 2016, 18:52
  #9263 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
Correction of the year?

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Old 30th Dec 2016, 19:10
  #9264 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 1999
Location: steemrok.com
Age: 72
Posts: 539
A friend of ours from NZ was recently telling us some news about the Sh!tlands. We soon realised she was referring to a group of Scottish islands.
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Old 30th Dec 2016, 21:20
  #9265 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: One Three Seven, Disco Heaven.
Age: 60
Posts: 1,327
What do you call a bear with no Paw?
Rupert the Bastard.
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Old 30th Dec 2016, 21:58
  #9266 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 53
What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.
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Old 30th Dec 2016, 23:00
  #9267 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,432
What do you call a deaf dog?

Anything you like, he still won't come.
Ascend Charlie is online now  
Old 31st Dec 2016, 00:02
  #9268 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Here
Age: 42
Posts: 13
"Always leave them wanting more," my grandad used to say.
That's why he was struck off from the Royal College of Anaesthetists.
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Old 31st Dec 2016, 05:27
  #9269 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 79
Posts: 109
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Old 31st Dec 2016, 09:23
  #9270 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: The first town on the Thames
Posts: 157
53,000 Scousers (Liverpudlians, for the non-Brits) meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.

Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'

After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, 'Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Twelve?'

Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream . . . . . . .




'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
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Old 31st Dec 2016, 10:55
  #9271 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022
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Old 31st Dec 2016, 11:08
  #9272 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
ricardian is offline  
Old 31st Dec 2016, 11:54
  #9273 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: west aust'
Age: 56
Posts: 29
I was buying a xmas tree and the checkout chick was chatty .
"are you going to put it up yourself " she asked .
still giggling .
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Old 31st Dec 2016, 12:47
  #9274 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,803
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Old 31st Dec 2016, 17:13
  #9275 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
It looks like an RTO after engine failure on a quad pot.
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Old 1st Jan 2017, 00:43
  #9276 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Southwater
Age: 69
Posts: 516
Originally Posted by Kulverstukas View Post
OK, I give in. What am I missing here?
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Old 1st Jan 2017, 00:54
  #9277 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
My thoughts exactly

I had some vague ideas about the cat being referred to as a pussy but, nope, nothing comes to mind
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Old 1st Jan 2017, 00:58
  #9278 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
Posts: 61
Perhaps he is asking HM to throw it up in the air so he can shoot the bloody thing?
Takan Inchovit is offline  
Old 1st Jan 2017, 04:44
  #9279 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Lost, but often Indonesia
Posts: 594
Nothing to do with humour, but why is exposed ammunition visible in the soldier's weapon? Is it belt fed?
Octane is offline  
Old 1st Jan 2017, 05:18
  #9280 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 7
2017 and i still dont like tripe.
Axerock is offline  

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