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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 28th Dec 2016, 04:21
  #9241 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
Sky News: A wealthy Nigerian Prince has died and left all his millions to a cat.

He said he tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his e-mails.
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Old 28th Dec 2016, 13:26
  #9242 (permalink)  
 
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A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother "Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
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Old 28th Dec 2016, 20:38
  #9243 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Do you know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
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Old 28th Dec 2016, 20:38
  #9244 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
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Old 28th Dec 2016, 21:09
  #9245 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Bedford, UK
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What's white with checked trousers?

Rupert The Fridge.

Don't ask.
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Old 28th Dec 2016, 21:28
  #9246 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 484
Q: What's a dog doing when he sniffs a tree?
A: Checking his p-mail.

Q: What's a dog doing when he sniffs a power pole?
A: Checking his post.

Blame my granddaughter for those.
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Old 28th Dec 2016, 21:36
  #9247 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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Originally Posted by Hydromet View Post
Q: What's a dog doing when he sniffs a tree?
A: Checking his p-mail.
I like the one about p-mail.
I frequently suggest to dog owners that their hound is 'reading the messages' when it hangs about and refuses to move on when tugged by the leader.

Credit to grand-daughter.

Last edited by G-CPTN; 28th Dec 2016 at 21:51.
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Old 29th Dec 2016, 02:01
  #9248 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 71
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A touring golf professional was having a drink at the golf club bar, when he was approached by a bloke with a white cane and dark glasses, who introduced himself as a golf champion.

"I'm Champion of the Blind Golfers Association, and as one Champion to another, I'd like to challenge you to a match which could be a fundraiser for the blind", he said.

The blind gent said he didn't want any favours or special treatment and told the pro, he'd be happy to play for $50 a hole.

The embarrassed pro tried to avoid the challenge, but the blind gent was very insistent and finally, the pro agreed.

"O.K.", said the pro, "When would you like to play?"

"Oh, you can pick the night - any night at all, will do".
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Old 29th Dec 2016, 02:12
  #9249 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Two dog owners were in the waiting room at the vet's with their animals.

One was explaining that he had brought in his poodle to have a slight ailment treated.

'What about yours?' the poodle owner asked, looking at the other bloke's big black dog.

'Oh, I'm having him put down,' replied the other dog owner.

'Why, is he mad?' asked the first bloke.

'Well, he's not too happy about it,' replied the other.
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Old 29th Dec 2016, 04:17
  #9250 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: A place so nice, they named it twice
Posts: 98
welcome back RJM
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Old 29th Dec 2016, 05:12
  #9251 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Thanks gupta. I thought I'd start with a brand new joke. ; )
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Old 29th Dec 2016, 05:23
  #9252 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Two Indian tribes each conducted rain dances.

One tribe's rain dances always brought rain, but the other tribe had no luck with them at all.

One day, the two chiefs were talking.

The chief of the rainless tribe was complaining that his tribe's dances never worked.

'How do you do it?' he asked the other chief. 'Your dances always seem to work. What's the secret?'

'We just keep dancing until it rains,' replied the other chief.
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Old 29th Dec 2016, 07:56
  #9253 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 71
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A traveller broke down in a remote rural area, and in some despair, he got out and opened the hood, trying to figure out what the problem might be.

Whilst peering under the hood, he noticed a white horse leaning over the fence to the adjoining field, looking at him, and his vehicle, intently.

Suddenly, to the man's amazement, the horse spoke clearly. "It's a blocked fuel filter. Unscrew the fuel line on the input side of the filter and drain it, then reconnect the line and you'll be right to go."

Absolutely flabbergasted, somewhat frightened, and watching this weird horse carefully, the man grabbed a wrench and did as the horse instructed.

He got back into his vehicle, hit the starter and the engine burst into life. He floored it away from the horse, fearful of a bout of madness.

When he reached the next town, he pulled into the first gas station he saw, jumped out, and said to the station owner - "You won't believe this!! My car stopped about 10 miles out of town on Route 41 - and when I got out, a talking horse leaning over the fence gave me instructions on how to fix the problem!!"

"Was it a white horse?" inquired the gas station owner.

"As a matter of fact, it was!! Why??"

"Well, I'd say it's your lucky day. There's a black horse in that field, as well - and he doesn't know the first thing about fuel systems on motors!!"
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Old 29th Dec 2016, 17:03
  #9254 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 259
Anyone seen this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9858ev8E94
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Old 29th Dec 2016, 17:38
  #9255 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 7
No. I havent
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Old 29th Dec 2016, 19:14
  #9256 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,207
they sure do talk funny ... we prefer to put the coating on ours before it becomes hard to the touch
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Old 29th Dec 2016, 19:52
  #9257 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wilts
Posts: 127
Yes and 349000 others have as well.
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Old 30th Dec 2016, 02:02
  #9258 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 30th Dec 2016, 07:09
  #9259 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $4,500 each and didn't realize last year when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place...

It's at St Peter's Church, in Spring Branch at 3pm. Her name is Sally, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook... She will be the one in the white dress.
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Old 30th Dec 2016, 10:12
  #9260 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
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Posts: 2,846
That's funny, I thought he was going to the Abu Dhabi Grande Prix, or was it the World Cup, or perhaps the Eidgenössische! ...
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