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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 17th Dec 2016, 16:01
  #9141 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
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Old 17th Dec 2016, 16:34
  #9142 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 349
With so much spare space, it seems a very convenient place to store the bags.
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Old 17th Dec 2016, 16:36
  #9143 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Kelowna Wine Country
Posts: 429
Just how much Gin are you planning on drinking?
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Old 17th Dec 2016, 19:21
  #9144 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,298
looks like somebody needs an invite to Christmas dinner where they have food
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Old 18th Dec 2016, 02:01
  #9145 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
A seasonal offering

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Old 18th Dec 2016, 07:22
  #9146 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Only occasionally above FL50
Age: 67
Posts: 127
Some say putting helium in animals is wrong.

I say "Whatever floats your goat.".
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Old 18th Dec 2016, 18:32
  #9147 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: In the workshop, Prune-whispering.
Age: 67
Posts: 740
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

Merry Christmas!
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Old 18th Dec 2016, 18:52
  #9148 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Wherever someone will pay me to do fun stuff
Posts: 1,186
Not a lot of people know this.
Oh, I think they may....
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Old 18th Dec 2016, 18:57
  #9149 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 18th Dec 2016, 18:57
  #9150 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 61
Posts: 5,568
Originally Posted by LookingForAJob View Post
Oh, I think they may....
Rumor has it that the angel "receiving the tree" story was started by a sales manager working for Tucks
Tucks2697-Image-Update-1.png
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Old 18th Dec 2016, 20:09
  #9151 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 532
Thanks for the up date, Lonewolf.
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Old 19th Dec 2016, 00:11
  #9152 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: All Over
Posts: 15
An oldie:
An old lady goes into a record shop (remember those?). She says to the young man behind the counter, 'Do you have Jingle Bells on a 7inch?'
The young man replies, 'No but I have dangling balls on a 10inch'
'Is that a record, young man?', the old lady wonders
'I don't know, but its not bad for a boy my age'.
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Old 19th Dec 2016, 00:55
  #9153 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 19th Dec 2016, 01:18
  #9154 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
Mountainous regions aren't just funny... They're hill areas.
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Old 19th Dec 2016, 01:19
  #9155 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge says, "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
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Old 19th Dec 2016, 01:33
  #9156 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 19th Dec 2016, 04:03
  #9157 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
A meek locksmith was caught in a raid on a gambling den. When he came before the magistrate, he was asked what he was doing there. "Believe it or not, you honour, I was making a bolt for the door".
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Old 19th Dec 2016, 22:00
  #9158 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Here
Age: 43
Posts: 13
As it's almost Christmas

The Three Wise Men arrived to visit the Child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph. "It's better than Derek."
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Old 20th Dec 2016, 09:03
  #9159 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
Here's one for the groaning jokers...
Stole this Christmas cracker!! Well it made me chuckle!!
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.Then, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he didn't win. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered
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Old 20th Dec 2016, 10:25
  #9160 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: No idea - what does the GPS say?
Age: 61
Posts: 62
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Saskatchewan asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the Ca.National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shedload of firewood.
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